It's been so hot this weekend that yesterday I just had to take a dip in to ol' Johnson's black reflecting pool. Today I'm still trying to clean the oil out of my beard. Anywho, let's get to my Detroit-based gossip rundown, live from Detroit:
Paris Hilton topless on an Italian yacht Hoo boy, you know it's a slow gossip day when this rail-thin trollop's pancake breasts get the front page. Why aren't any tabloids covering my fight with Jim "the Chinless Champion" Gearhart over at Beacontown's watering hole? Toughest thing 'bout fightin' a man with no chin--ain't no way to uppercut him.
Lindsay Lohan heckled and called "firecrotch" by fellow inmates Psh, is that all? Ah've called redheaded whores far worse. (link from Perez Hilton)
Amanda Bynes, one month after quitting acting, might've changed her mind Ah've seen women pull this ol' switcheroo before. My wife had set up one dandy of a threesome with Dan Henshaw, the mule-wrangler. Then she changes her mind! Claims the mules out here are too dirty, and no doubt Dan will bring horseflies and mites into our home. That dumb woman don't even know we already have mites in our bed. (Link from Popeater)
That's all for me, folks. Got any tips on how to get rid of bed-mites, send me an email at marktschultz@gmail.com.
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