Here are my predictions for Minnesota, year 2010. Be aware, that over my 30 years in the journalism racket, my annual "predictions" column have achieved an astounding 98.7 percent accuracy rating! So you can rest assured that you are doing more than reading the bland prognostications of just another blathering news guy -- reading this will be like an electrifying glimpse into your real future, fellow Minnesotans!
Here is what is going to happen in 2010:
1. FargoHead
In a bold move to erase the crushing Minnesota budget deficit, the state Legislature will concoct a plan to sell the city of Moorhead to the state of North Dakota for cash, combining Fargo and Moorhead into a single North Dakota "megacity."
After a public contest to rename the newly combined city, the name "FargoHead" will narrowly beat out the second place selection, "MoreFargo." Moorhead State University will then be fused with North Dakota State University. The schools' sports nicknames of "Dragons" and "Bison" will be dropped in favor of the new, "The Fighting Sugar Beets." The Concordia College "Cobbers" will remain the "Cobbers." Thus, both schools will still have nicknames less dorky than "The Bemidji State Beavers."
2. Kelliher will add Polish name
Minnesota House Speaker Margaret Anderson Kelliher will add a fourth name to her public identity. To bolster her run for governor, the Speaker will announce that her new legal name to be Margaret Anderson Nagurski Kelliher. Her hope is the move will bring in votes from more Iron Range and northwestern Minnesota Polish folks. It will be a partial success, allowing her to pick up 113 votes in International Falls.
3. Sen. Al Franken will puke in public
At a public event in the far north, in Roseau, Minnesota, Senator Al Franken will attempt to prove he is a true Minnesotan at Roseau's annual "Scandinavian Fest" by eating a large, slimy gob of lutefisk. The lutefisk will cause his Jewish blood to revolt, prompting Franken to violently projectile vomit on a sweet old Norwegian lady, Olga Hammersjoldson.
Fraken's Republican political opponents will seize upon this major public faux paux and attempt to wreak untold political damage on his image, but the effort will backfire after 89 percent of the public will say in a poll that they deem it "understandable" to vomit after eating lutefisk.
4. Gov. Tim Pawlenty will return to Minnesota for 10 minutes
Under intense criticism for flitting about the nation and globe seeking to bolster his presidential aspirations, Gov. Tim Pawlenty will return to Minnesota for 10 minutes in June to announce a bold new economic initiative for the state.
It will be called the "Measure Once, Cut Once Amendment." The idea behind the plan will be to make it a law that all state carpenters must stop "measuring twice and cutting once." Rather, they will be legally obligated to measure only once, and then cut away. Pawlenty will explain the benefit of the plan this way:
"Everybody knows that if carpenters measure twice and cut once, they make fewer mistakes. Well, if they are mandated to measure just once and then cut they will make more mistakes, wasting lumber. This will in turn increase demand for more lumber, and will trickle down to Minnesota's beleaguered lumber industry. They will be forced to cut more lumber, creating more jobs for lumber jacks, more jobs for truckers that haul lumber, and more jobs for our small lumberyards, which are the small businesses heart and soul of Main Street Minnesota."
Rush Limbaugh will praise Pawlenty's "Measure Once, Cut Once Amendment" as "Conservative innovation at its best."
5. U of M Scientists will genetically engineer fruit bats
In an effort to bolster Minnesota tourism and change the state's image as "The Nation's Ice Box" University of Minnesota scientists will accept funding from the Minnesota Department of Tourism to genetically engineer fruit bats to enable them to withstand the bitter cold Minnesota winters.
The Minnesota DNR will assist by helping to introduce 10,000 newly cold-engineered fruit bats into the state's ecosystem. The Tourism Department advertise Minnesota as: "The Land of 10,000 Lakes and Fruit Bats." Fruit bat hunting will become even more popular than shooting morning doves among Minnesota sportsmen.
6. Minnesota Vikings will Move to FargoHead
Disgruntled that Minnesota voters continue to balk at the idea of building a new Vikings football stadium, a frustrated Vikings owner Zygi Wilf will make a deal with the new North Dakota megacity FargoHead to bring the Vikings to North Dakota. Brett Favre will almost derail the deal stating publicly, "I shore-as-heck ain't movin' to no stinkin' North Dakota!" but he will be won over when they offer to name the new North Dakota NFL franchise, "The North Dakota Fighting Favres."
7. Lake Superior will swallow Duluth
Global warming will continue to cause sea levels to rise, which will include Lake Superior, whose water levels will surge high enough to cause the city of Duluth to slide into the lake and vanish under the waves. Many will be relieved. Global warming deniers will contend that the real reason Duluth was inundated was not because of global warming, but because the city always tends to vote with "godless abortion-loving DFLers" in every state election and so this was "God's wrath" upon the Iron Range DFL stronghold. At any rate, both conservatives and liberals will be able to agree that the end result was "the best for all concerned."
MINNESOTA IS TOPS FOR CRMEATION RATE
Comments
I will leave it to your fellow Minesotians to decide that one. They wouldn't like to be called MINNOWS for short, would they? LOL
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