The last article presented the topic of Childhood Sexual Abuse. An Elephant most wish was not in the room to begin with, let alone having to confront his stench. Before you walk out of the room, please dare to insert some nose plugs as the following may shed a ray of hope for those of you that have to deal with this issue:
The healing process takes two: a caring and loving adult and the survivor. The adult’s role is a hard one. As the adult, you must listen. Do not offer solutions, listen. Do not change the subject, listen. Do not pry deeper, listen. Whatever you do, do not tell your teen that he or she has already told you this part of the story. Just listen.
Your teen must test the waters- this is the only way he or she can find out on their own if they can trust you. Your teen will occasionally drop a bombshell on you and then clam up… this “quiet time” is not the time for you to fill in the blank, this is the time your teen is watching the expression on your face and body language. He or she is gauging your reaction, trying to determine if you find the information disturbing, or the teen as a person disturbing.
Don’t torment yourself about understanding; hopefully you are one of the lucky few who never will. Instead, substitute understanding with an admiration of your teen’s strength to survive. Remember, empathy is not the same thing as sympathy.
You will, at times, find yourself in the role of a verbal punching bag for your teen. He will lash out at you for not protecting him. She will counter-act your consequences with the famous trump of “you don’t know what I’ve been through!” Don’t be surprised if their experiences become excuses for bad behavior. Don’t buckle under the pressure! What your teen may not know is that they need you to stay strong. They need you to hold them accountable for their actions and choices. Stand tall and teach them that from this day forward they are in the driver’s seat of their choices- regardless of what has happened. This is called empowerment. Remember, your child was stripped of this when he or she was abused. Most of their rebellious acts are their attempt to regain it. It is your responsibility to teach them healthier ways to do this.
If your teen is promiscuous, do not shame her for it. Instead, lead by example. She won’t tell you, but she is watching your every move and listening to your every word. Share with her your experiences in the dating world… the happy results that came from being discreet. She will watch how you own your body, and she will look to herself and begin to wonder if it is possible to reclaim her own.
For your “Rebel without a Cause”, the first step in cracking into his thoughts is to realize that he does have a cause. Do not criticize him for it. Instead, reach out and find out the joys in his life… the few things that actually do make him happy (and yes, they exist). Once you find these things out, explore them with him. Find interesting ways to spend time doing the things he is interested in. Make the “good” things in his life feel better than the rebellions. Give him the ability to recognize that he can be in control of his choices.
And by all means, communicate with the other adults involved in your teen’s life. Do not disclose your teen’s issue with these adults, but Listen to what they have to say.
To be continued...
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I'm a survivor also. The effect it had on me was that I used comedy in a sense that I would do and say things to get the focus off of me as I tried to figure out what this person wanted from me. I am an adult and I still don't trust other adults because of the abuse I suffered as a child. I did tell and was believed, but in turn I was the one that was told to leave the home. I decided that i can let it control my life or use it to push me to succeed. I chose that latter and share my testimony of survival with those that think they can't make it. It's only the grace of God that helped me get thru it. Thank you Jennifer for shining the light on the "Elephant in the room". To survive you have to make the choice of not letting the abuser continue to abuse you by not living the best life you possibly can.
my son who nine his father who a city ploice man and wear blue . gets a way of sexabuse his son. why is that ? cause he a cop. its real sad
Some one: If you suspect child abuse do not hesitate to contact Child Protective Services at 713-940-3501.
Deidre,
How brave you are to have gone through the horrible experience of being turned out. Sometimes I wonder which is worse, the abuse or the rejection and abandonment of the caregiver when the incident is disclosed. There is a workbook that has helped many survivors who have had to deal with their crisis on their own: The Courage to Heal Workbook- by Laura Davis.
The Let Go...Let Peace Come In Foundation is a newly formed nonprofit with a mission to help heal and support adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse worldwide. We are actively seeking adult survivors who would be willing to post a childhood photo and caption, their story, or their creative expressions to our website www.letgoletpeacecomein.org. We need to "show" the world that we will no longer be silenced and that there are enough of us to make a difference. By uniting survivors from across the globe we can help provide a stronger and more powerful voice to those survivors who have not yet found the courage to speak out. Together we can; together we should; together we NEED to stand up and be counted. Please visit our site for more details on how you can send us your submissions.
Thank you for everything you do!
Gretchen Paules
Administrative Director
Let Go...Let Peace Come In Foundation
111 Presidential Blvd., Suite 212
Bala Cynwyd, PA 19004
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