Has the zombie apocalypse begun - in America's heartland no less? A local television station in southern Illinois reported on April 9 that a man attacked and bit four women in Franklin County in southern Illinois the evening before. The news report stated that the biting man was so out-of-control, authorities who responded at the scene of the attack attempted to subdue him with a tazer but it seemed to have no effect on him.
Southern Illinois is a beautiful area that is known for its unusual natural landscapes and scenery. Apparently, southern Illinois can now boast that zombies are part of the scenery. For those of us who have been preparing for such an event, it is surprising that it could start in our area.
As a teenager growing up in southern Illinois, I joined with many other teenagers throughout the years in saying "nothing exciting ever happens around here." Could it be possible that all of those years living on Apathy Street, near the corner of Boring Lane may be at an end?
While I am surprised at the idea of the zombie apocalypse starting in my own backyard, I must admit that it really could happen. There's no telling what is in our water.
Southern Illinois is an unusual region of the United States. Located far, far away from the land of Chicago, the southern part of the state is almost a state to itself where the natives can be identified easily by the use of the word "youins" (pronounced YOU-ins or ewe-ns - take your pick, they're both grammatically incorrect).
In truth, southern Illinois would make a perfect apocalyptic zombie ground zero location. The area is surrounded by rivers on both sides and while it is not smack dab in the center of the United States (surely that must be somewhere near Jericho, Kansas - right?) it is only a couple of hours south of St. Louis, Missouri, and less than five hours from Louisville, Memphis, Nashville and Indianapolis.
Think about it - a test site for a zombie apocalypse should be somewhere unnoticed, primarily rural, and easily contained, but still centrally located to larger cities. Southern Illinois! Woohoo - there ya go! The Man won't go after the big cities first and my neck of the woods is a great choice.
Thank you evil governments and corporations for choosing my home to unleash your flesh-eating zombie disease. I am proud to be part of the test group to see if all of our preparation, planning and strategy really works.
So, I am grabbing my shotgun and my machete, stocking up on toilet paper, bottle water and Cool Ranch Doritos and I am standing my ground. The zombies must die! If you don't hear from me again, you will know that I have fallen victim to the flesh-eating hordes but know this - I took a few with me.
In the end, though, I know who to blame for the zombie invasion in southern Illinois: Rod Blagojevich. How and why, I don't know - but I blame him for everything else that has gone wrong in Illinois for the last few years he might as well be blamed for the zombies as well.
Read about the incident here.
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