Death & Dying

Death...it happens. Face it. No, I'm not asking you to take your life or to risk your life. In fact, what I'm asking you to do might be something harder, accept your mortality. When you face your own death, life becomes more precious rather than less precious. We take so much for granted and the blessing we abuse most is the gift of life.

Many will think I'm morbid to write an article on death and will never read this merely because of its title. In fact, if you've read this far you might wonder why I'm writing or perhaps it's only because of your curiosity. Some may read this because they've lost a loved one and are trying to make sense out of all that is going on in their lives, minds and hearts as the grief shadows them. While working on a brochure for my students on how to deal with grief and loss, I wanted to refresh my mind on Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's stages of grief. A psychologist, Kubler-Ross developed her model of grief after a long and extensive work with the dying. At seminary, we studied the stages of grief in order to understand how to help families in grief. It had been a long time since I visit Ross's work so I wanted to refresh my memory on the stages and what they mean for the grieving person. Finding Ross's work online was as simple as a google search. Her foundation has set up a page called "Inspiring Life, Confronting Death" which includes a biography of her work but also some resources for those facing death personally or facing the death of a loved one. The second part of my research is what surprised me.

While it was easy to find Ross's work online, I also wanted to be able to broaden my understanding of the process of grief and dying through psychology's eye. Death is the one thing we can all count on in this lifetime, so I thought it would be interesting to see what psychology had to say about death and grief. I have ten psychology books in my office from different publishers with two of them being encyclopedic references to find many of the problems a human might face. In the Introduction to Psychology books, the writers take a student through an overview of the phases of a human's life and discuss the process of a human being and of course, how a human's mind and/or emotions affect the living person. In most of those books, death was barely addressed. One book had a paragraph that death happens and the other spent several paragraphs talking about how death is a part of the human experience. One of the intro books did not address death at all. The longest offering of course was in one of the encyclopedic reference books and while giving a page and a half to the topic, that only amounted to a few paragraphs about a part of human existence that changes us all in so many ways. In fact, while facing death, the loss of a loved one or grieving a death, the effect of grief on the human being can cause many psychological problems.

My curiosity was piqued so I talked to the psychology professor nearby to see why she thought this was not addressed in psychology texts. I was especially curious because many of our nursing students are required to take psychology in order to better prepare them for work in hospitals. The instructor looked confused by my question. She is a spiritual person who could also see the practical side of dealing with grief issues as psychological phenomena. She said that perhaps the books weren't covering the phases of life, but I had already checked not only the indexes but also the table of contents of all the books. The books addressed childhood, adulthood, the physiology of the brain, emotions and other stages of the human experience. The books covered most everything but death and grieving. The little that was written would not help an aspiring psychologist, psychiatrist, counselor, social worker, priest or nurse be prepared when people are faced with death. The instructor and I talked about the importance of understanding death as a part of life, but she had no answers as to why a psychology text would omit the topic. Of course, neither did I, but I do have a theory. Our fear of death has caused us to push the topic of death farther into the shadows. We don't want to talk about it, read about it or think about it. Death is the end.

Once upon a time, and not that long ago really, we all were more comfortable with death. As I wrote that sentence, I realize that a better way to state that is to say that we were more respectful of death when we had to prepare our own meats and prepare the bodies of our loved ones for burial. Death is not a topic to be feared, not only because of how it touches our lives, but also because of all that it can teach us about living. In a world where we do not kill our own food or prepare our own dead, we take our pets for someone else to bury or cremate, our world is becoming more sterile and more often than not, we are insulated against the reality of death. Remaining insulated and disconnected from life processes (and death is a part of the life cycle) keeps us from facing the fragility of life and as a result, does not prepare us for the messiness of death. Death is not necessarily violent and bloody even though it does happen in the worst of instances and in war. Most of us face the death of loved ones after a long battle with illness or if we're lucky, a loved one dies after living a long and beautiful life. The messy part happens when we have to deal with our feelings, thoughts, regrets and other such life altering issues that surface after the loss of a loved one. Suddenly our world is falling apart and we don't understand why.

Our detachment from the cycle of life is pulling us farther and farther away from real living. Living hurts. The struggle of personal growth and aging can be daunting, but the only alternative is death and we're afraid of that too. In one of my counseling classes, I remember a professor who said that every problem a human faces could be connected to "fear of death". At the time, I could see his point though I did not necessarily believe him. That lecture was given over seventeen years ago. I've seen a lot of life and death in those seventeen years. In those seventeen years, the pharmaceutical industry has grown in levels I don’t think anyone could imagine. There is a pill for everything. The big companies are selling snake oil to convince us we won’t die. You can have copious surgeries to make you look younger and if you look younger, you must be avoiding death right? Instead of associating age with wisdom, we associate it with the loss of value or the end of life. While the aging process or illness can take us closer to the end, life does not have to be bad, wrong or fearful. We're often afraid of death, to talk of it or think upon it, because we see it as the event that separates us from that which we love. We focus on gaining power or the gain of material goods. We keep our eyes glued to the television, cell phone or computer while life goes on around us. Perhaps if we don't look it won't hurt.  These technological devices insulate us from the reality of life, the pain of it all, but they also insulate us from the joy of life. Life can hurt so much, but can also be so beautiful as to make you cry.

Relationships are beautiful gifts that we give one another. A relationship is hard work but from that work comes friendship and oftentimes love. In our love relationships, conflicts happen but when we work through the conflicts we grow in phenomenal ways. Human interaction often brings about another important facet of being human, compassion. Human interaction helps us to know we are not alone. Yet, we don’t want to face the hurt of relationships either because they feel like death when the relationship dies. A new commercial makes it seem funny when a guy gets a break up message from his girlfriend. The guy sits there looking decimated while his ex plays with her phone as if he were not human, only an extension of her phone. The commercial not only encourages insensitive behavior but also does not address that real pain will occur for both parties in a break up. A technological device cannot save us from the pain of being human just as those more advanced technological devices cannot help us to live forever. Part of the beauty of being human comes through living through our pain and struggles and moving on to a new phase of life or way of being.

Working through the losses of our lives gives us strength and wisdom. In the Christian church, there is a group of writers called The Early Church Fathers. This was a group of mystics who lived in the desert and wrote beautiful stories, essays and poems on the joy of life which were also full of wisdom. I wanted to learn to write like that so when I went to a wilderness of my own making, I thought there would be glory and beauty in the experience. There was glory and beauty...but oddly enough when seeing that glory and beauty in the middle of great pain it all seemed a mockery, as if life was laughing at me. Suffering is in no way beautiful which is why we avoid it at all costs. What we don't realize is that this adage used in athletic circles also applies in life: no pain, no gain. Those events that were so painful as to feel like death to me, have now turned my life into an experience of beauty. Because I faced the death of my illusions, dreams and my own mortality, I appreciate life in a way never imagined before.

Your loved ones are going to die and it is going to hurt. You can get through those times. Jobs will come and go and relationships end. Life hurts. However, just like trees die back in winter and then blossom again in spring, your life too will blossom again when death or loss happens. As our skin ages and wrinkles, life becomes more precious. We slow down a bit and that gives us time to savor each moment. We see death as losing it all and it is losing, but it is also gaining. When we lose an illusion we gain perspective. When we lose a relationship, we learn from our mistakes. When we face the challenges of life we are strengthened. When my last grandmother died I mourned so hard because she was gone. Yet, somehow I feel her presence with me every day in a way I did not experience when she was alive.

Caribou Coffee’s motto states “Life is short, stay awake”. I’ve loved this motto because of its connection to consciousness. Life is indeed short. Pay attention to what is happening around you. Awaken to each sense and the glories of sound, sight, taste, hearing and touch. Can you see the way the trees now have a tint of green as spring nears? Can you smell the rain or feel the softness of the earth beneath your feet? Hold the hand of your loved one and feel the softness of human skin. Nuzzle in to your loved one and smell the scent of your loved one’s life. Look in the mirror and see the miracle that is your life. Life is short and that’s not a bad thing. Each day we die a little bit more because there’s no way to get off this track no matter what the commercials say. Might as well enjoy the ride. This train is bound for glory.