In Part 1 of this article, I wrote about how you can turn arguments in front of your children into teaching and learning opportunities for parents and children alike. Heightened emotions are a normal part of conflicts. How we express these emotions and manage the conflict in our daily lives is directly related to how happy we are as children, and ultimately as adults, navigating our way through the not-so-nice times in life.
One way to teach your children HOW to effectively express their emotions in a conflict is to give them one simple tool: The “When you…I feel…because…” statement. Several years ago, when I was working as the assistant to conflict resolution expert, Dr. Neil Katz, I learned one of the most effective and constructive communication techniques that I still use to this day (and teach other people every chance I get!). It is a great tool for children to use, too. Here’s how it works:
When you find yourself in the middle of a disagreement, resist the urge to yell at or argue with the person who is causing your distress. Instead, say to him or her, in a calm tone of voice, using neutral language, these three easy, yet powerful statements:
1. When you [insert specific action],
2. I feel [insert emotion or descriptive words]
3. Because [insert effect]
Let’s try it with a more concrete example. Perhaps your children's other parent is perpetually late dropping them off after their time together. Resist the urge to express yourself with sweeping generalizations and combative language like, “You are ALWAYS late and it’s driving me crazy! Why can’t you ever respect me and be on time for once in your life?!”
You might instead say,
1. When you are late dropping off the kids, like you were today…
2. I feel anxious and disrespected…
3. Because I wonder if something bad happened, or if I will need to adjust my plans.
Then, LISTEN to how the other person responds. At first, because this is not your usual way of expressing your emotions, he or she may be stunned by your rational demeanor. Surprisingly, his or her response will be noticeably different than if you had “attacked”. Perhaps he/she might match your tone by responding in a similar fashion, or even apologizing. Once you are communicating more peacefully, the opportunity for resolving this particular conflict increases exponentially.
An occasional disagreement in front of the kids isn’t the worst thing you can do to them. Remember, it can be a teaching and learning moment for everyone involved. It’s up to us as parents to model a good example and show our children how to handle conflict constructively. What will you do to take the first step?
For more ideas on teaching your children about constructive conflict management, check out the following websites:
Teaching Children to Resolve Conflict
Tips for Parents: Teaching Children to Resolve Conflicts
Teaching Children to Resolve Conflict Respectfully
Strategies to Reduce Conflict Between Co-parents
To learn more about Dr. Neil Katz, click here.
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