Arguing in front of the kids: How to teach conflict management skills - Part 1

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I recently read an advice column in which a 10-year-old girl wrote about how her divorced parents often fight in front of her, and she feels like she is always in the middle of their disputes. This little girl also wrote that her mother makes her feel as if she needs to take sides in opposition to the remarried dad. The letter from this young child really struck a chord with me because all too often, we as parents – married, divorced, or separated – forget about the effect our own conflicts may be having on our children. The advice columnist was adamant in her response: don’t fight in front of the kids! But, I began to wonder, when, if ever, is it OK to argue in front of the kids?

Most experts agree that fighting in front of the kids is a bad idea; adult issues are not for juvenile ears and minds because it creates fear and anxiety for our children. However, if kids NEVER witness conflict between their parents, how will they ever know how to manage conflict constructively? Don’t kids need to see that adults are human, too? That we have emotions? That we get upset, or sad, or angry, or annoyed, just like they do when they are playing with their friends? Shouldn’t we try to show them good examples of how to constructively resolve a conflict? If you are a regular reader of my articles, then you can guess what I’m going to say next: It’s all about the balance. I believe you can find a “happy medium” when it comes to arguing in front of your children.

First, let me clarify by saying that putting a child IN THE MIDDLE of your conflicts and pressuring them to take sides, is NEVER a good idea. But, allowing them to hear you arguing with a spouse or former partner on the phone, or in person (refraining from using expletives and vulgarity) can be a teaching opportunity on how to effectively deal with heightened emotions and resolve conflict. For example, if your child overhears an argument between you and your (ex)significant other, when you hang up the phone, you can start by explaining your emotions in an age-appropriate manner. You might say something like, “That was your [mommy/daddy] on the phone and we were arguing. Sometimes, we disagree about things – just like you and your friends might fight over a special toy, or who gets to go first when you’re playing a game. We BOTH love YOU very much, but sometimes grown-ups get upset, or sad or angry about things, just like you do.”

Letting your children know that even as adults, its OK to express our emotions, will reassure them that dealing with feelings constructively is a good thing, and that life is not always perfect. You will also be helping them build better communication skills by giving your kids ways to resolve issues without biting, kicking, or hitting, as children sometimes do.

Adults and children face conflict every day. HOW we MANAGE that conflict is essential to our growth. If we can teach our children how to manage conflict effectively, then we are doing them a huge favor by giving them the necessary tools and skills to lead a more productive adult life. And, as I’m sure you are well aware, adult life is anything but easy or “always according to plan.” If we NEVER fight in front of our kids, how will they know this is a normal part of life? How will they become good conflict managers, and thus, become happier individuals who are less plagued or overcome by strife?

See Part 2 of this article for more tips on resolving adult conflict, as well as teaching effective conflict management skills to your children.

To learn more from family experts, check out the following websites:

The Dangers of Arguing in Front of Your Kids

When Is It Okay to Argue In Front of the Kids? The Answer May Surprise You

Is Arguing In Front of Your Children Bad For Them?