Women, far more than men, marry a partner "for their potential." It's almost as if women want a project. In this regard, I have to say, men are ahead of us ladies. They keep it simple: if someone doesn't meet their criteria here today, they move on.
I'm not sure if it's a socialized behavior or genetic, but it certainly seems to be a common phenomenon these days.
What's ironic is that men often feel equally duped when the women they married transform into someone they don't recognize.
Mark Twain is quoted as saying, "Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So, invariably each is disappointed"
The favorite quote among the women I work with is by Maya Angelou, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."
If the man you want to become the father of your children has not worked during the entire two years you have known him, why do you think he will magically "get his act together" when you've tied the proverbial knot? If he is doing drugs and staying out all hours during your "courtship," what indication do you have that he will stop doing this with the title of "husband?"
Even if the issue is a lesser one of being somewhat disrespected by your man, if he treats you badly at all before you marry (and you allow it), believing that he will change is like thinking Santa Claus is on his way because you've been good this year. It's called, magical thinking, and it is rampant.
I realize it's easier said than done to walk away from someone you believe you love but maybe you don't have to end the relationship. Instead, try telling your mate that his behavior is unacceptable and that you want it to stop. You may want to suggest getting some couple's counseling.
If he ignores your requests or refuses to honor them, then you have some important and telling information that he is probably not going to improve later on in your relationship.
You have one last card to play (but you have to stick firmly to your word) and that is, tell him you're through with the relationship but that when he has a job, gets sober, or takes an anger management class, he can call you and, if you're still available, you will consider getting back together with him. Until then, you want nothing more to do with him.
If you're in this type of relationship and you're at all resistant to what I'm suggesting, I want you to imagine your life five or even ten years from now; perhaps you have children and a house, as well as other adult responsibilities. How will you feel then when your husband is still acting the same way?
My guess is you'll be exhausted and angry. Pay attention to the signs he's giving you today!
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