Sex stats you never wanted to know about animals

       The scary part? This is after a really cold swim.

Anyone who's had the memorable experience of watching Animal Planet after dark knows that nature is fascinating—and horny. I've heard PETA's passionate pleas to treat animals equally, and thus I'd like to recognize the critters working hard to give human gyrators a run for their money (and you thought watching your cat making violent love to the dustbuster was disturbing).

Longest Bird Penis: 42.5 cm. Owned by the proud male Argentine lake duck, a freakish species whose females spend most of their days hiding in bushes. The human equivalent of such a penis would be five or six feet in length (a girl can dream).

Critters With the Most Stamina:  Timed matings of the sable, a small mammal similar to the mink, have lasted for as long as 8 hours from the moment of original insertion until the time of withdrawal. But the top prize goes to a pair of rattlesnakes who stayed locked in intercourse for almost twenty-three hours. But don’t resort to snake envy—their marathon may be explained by the male’s spiked penis—and how hard that makes it for him to get away!

Most Brutal Insect Intercourse: Several species of female insects eat their husbands during intercourse. The most notorious miniature femme fatale is the praying mantis, who doesn’t even have the courtesy to wait until sex is finished before eating her lover’s head. And perhaps a separate award should be issued to the poor male, who sucks it up and continues to administer the lovin’—even as he’s being cannibalized alive!

Biggest Opportunists: Female geese. Though most geese prefer to form lifelong partnerships with members of the opposite sex, numerous males just aren't interested in the sexual delights the female of the species has to offer. Some male geese prefer romantic alliances of the homosexual persuasion, leaving a handful of frustrated (and horny) female geese to fume. Determined to have a family, some of the jealous females have been known to jump into these homosexual sex sessions in order to be “accidentally” fertilized.

The Wham Bam Award: Don’t expect fuzzy waves of mounting pleasure if your lover is a ram, bull, or stag. In fact, don’t blink during sex or you’ll miss it. With these species the whole process lasts no more than a few seconds. Whales have mastered a horizontal mode of coitus that allows them to boast up to 30 seconds, which should make my ex-boyfriend happy.

Most Promiscuous: Bonobos, primates with hormones equivalent to a bus full of frat boys on Viagra, are swingers in more ways than one. They’ll do it in every combination possible: Mr. Bananas and Mrs. Bananas, Mr. Bananas and Mrs. Bananas plus her cousin Chuck, Mr. Bananas and, well…Chuck. And here’s a fun fact I wish I’d learned while I was doing anything other than eating: mothers aren’t opposed to getting it on with their sons.

Biggest Teases: Female gorillas know how to get attention. These hairy ladies have been known to commit bisexual acts in an attempt to stimulate alpha males into breeding. Just like my college roommate.