In light of the seemingly “national tragedy” that is the John & Kate Plus 8 split making headlines from CNN to the Baltimore Sun, I got to thinking about yet another surprisingly unfortunate statistic I learned in college during one of my sociology courses. It stated that couples with children have a higher divorce rate than the national average alone, and also experience lower marital satisfaction than couples without kids. (Don’t shoot the messenger).
In a book I read recently, titled 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married, authors Linda and Charlie Bloom discuss in one of their chapters the dilemmas that challenge an otherwise healthy marriage, and that is putting your children above all else. This chapter begins with the bold statement: Your primary relationship is with your partner, not your children.
Immediately, my thoughts diverted to the most famous reality couple in America, John and Kate Gosselin, the young parents of twins and sextuplets – eight children in total – who’s infamous split sent shock waves through the family-oriented, TLC-watching community. Sure, it may have been the alleged 23-year-old mistress Jon was seeing, or maybe they did just “grow apart” as was stated in an interview; but if a couple is commonly overwhelmed with the pressure of having one child, imagine eight.
Not to mention, Kate Gosselin didn’t quite have the reputation for being the most nurturing of women toward her husband of ten years, especially toward the end of their series – and marriage – where the tensions between them were palpable even through the TV screen. She was known for frequently singing her children’s praises and announcing their place in her life as number one, which is understandable; but it left many audience members wondering just how much lovin’ was left for poor Jon.
To be honest, I hadn’t been a regular viewer of Jon & Kate until I got word of their pending split. I admit I’m guilty of being sucked in to reality TV drama, but it was more than that. My enthusiasm toward learning and observing the unique dynamic that different relationships emit, especially ones as unusual as theirs, reeled me in, and I began to catch episodes from the beginning of the brood’s televised appearance, to the most recent, being their divide. After observing the crazy eight’s entire four seasons, this is when I perceived the rift originating between them.
The book explained that there is sometimes a feeling of competition for attention between our partner and our children; but one needs to realize that the well-being of our kids is directly related to the well-being of the marriage. Relentless attention to the children can become a way to neglect issues that could be arising in your marriage, which are being ignored due to the fact that some couples “hide” behind parenthood. Over time, this disregard and avoidance can create resentment, and cause you to withhold love and affection for your spouse.
Absolutely children need to be cared for – but children grow up. Eventually, they need to learn to stand on their own, and know that mommy and daddy have a necessary right for their own life and alone time. One day, those children will leave the nest, and as parents, you need to make sure they enter the world with a healthy model of what a positive relationship is so they may perpetuate that love in their own lives.
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Comments
I'm one of the devastated watchers of J&k+8. I had full hope that they were going to make it through old age as a happy couple. I remember at one point during their show Kate said that once the kids are grown and out of the house she wouldn't mind having another little one to take care of - just to keep her busy. I guess she was born to be a "Mommy" as opposed to a wife.
I have to say though, your statement, "the well-being of our kids is directly related to the well-being of the marriage," is such a simple yet fascinating fact of life.
Good stuff! It does make sense.
I do agree that Jon and Kate were parents and forgot to be husband and wife. The closeness has to come first between a man and woman in order to have a loving family. It's still not too late if they both want to try.They really need counseling and they have to learn to talk to each other and most of all really listen to each other.I realize that Kate was often harsh to Jon, but the stress of raising 8 little kids is a daunting task.Jon is reallyacting idiotic running around with these young women.Not good step mom material Jon. Grow up and go home and be the man I thought you were. You both owe these kids.Now do the right thing.
Kate, be a little forgiving & stop bossing Jon .Jon stop acting like a boy and act like a man. Be loving to your children and maybe it will rub off on your wife. Your feelings are hurt now, but that will heal. Try
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