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Dating people with parcopresis poses a challenge unlike any other in the romantic world. What is parcopresis, you ask? Parcopresis is the phobia assigned to those who absolutely cannot do number two in a public restroom.
This phobia is also termed as “shy bowel” because the sufferer, your date, must have a certain level of privacy before their mind will let their behind “let loose”. It’s definitely mind over matter here, but can become a problem when on a date.
Most dates last anywhere from two to five hours depending on the planned activities. Say you’re having dinner out followed by a movie. The average time spent over dinner, if all goes well and the conversation is flowing, is about two hours. Your average movie time is an hour and a half. Average in drive time, walking to and from the car, and time standing in line and you could easily rack up another hour. Now you’re looking at four and half hours into the date.
A person suffering from shy bowel may be ready to blow a hole through to the next dimension before this date is done. While many people can go days without dropping bombs, most people throw rocks within an hour after one good meal (girls too)! Since you’re having dinner out, this can be quite a problem.
The end of the date might herald a quick high five before your date speeds off erratically down the road, courting danger and a traffic violation in the pursuit of a private potty instead of a long, lingering kiss goodnight at the front door. Don’t be offended.
It doesn’t mean your date isn’t in to you. It’s just that the strongest desire at that moment is to shat, loudly and privately, inside the comforting four walls of their own bathroom. Kissing, cuddling, and sex are the very last things on their mind, and rightly so. Imagine kissing your date and right in the middle, you hear a grizzly growling. It’s like “When Animals Attack”! That bear of a bundle is demanding to be freed! Honestly, it’s never a good idea to get between a “bear” and his woods. Back away quickly, and don’t make eye contact.
A good idea is to try an anti-diarrheal medication before the date (it will lock up those shy bowels for hours). Remember that although funny when discussed between friends, parcopresis is an actual condition. If you happen to fall in love with someone with a shy booty, have patience. You may have to plan frequent trips home in between errands and date activities.
More articles by M. Gwynn:
Dating tip # 3 - Granny Panties Prevent First Date Sex
Follow me on Twitter @ MicheleGSASexam
All articles by Michele Gwynn are under copyright and cannot be reposted in part or whole without written permission by the author. For permission, email megwynn@msn.com.
Comments
Hi. My name is Kate White and I have shy bowels. (What I wouldn't give to have that on business cards!) This could be the funniest thing I've read of yours and I'm now forwarding it to my mom, who will also laugh her ass off. (bad pun intended)
My godson asked why I write about nasty things such as this, so his mom and I asked him why he's afraid to poop in Walmart or at school...he said ..(Jeopardy theme..).."Oh!" To which we replied "see? it's not nasty, it's true!" Then I proceeded to tease him about when he's old enough to go on dates and how will he handle his need to "go"! He turned red. It was one of those great moments where you realize you've managed to teach a kid something...plus the proper name for the phobia!
And Kate....your card should read..."Hi, my name is Kate White and my bowel is shy, but my cat is very friendly if you scratch it between the ears!"..haha
Once again Gwynns you hit another homerun! Have to eat light on the first couple of dates. It's a necessity. People know their own bodies and they know what will cause them to drop the kids off at the pool. So eat what wont tear you up and that way your date wont have that weird, awkward look on their face's because you took an inordinate amount of time in the Loo dropping a deuce!
You know what brings to mind this situation? Ben Stiller in "Along Came Polly"! Imagine if folks would have clicked a link or an embedded video of the Indian food doing work on him and he trying to put up with it for the date in Jennifer Aniston and he having to hold the turtles from popping their heads until he gets to her apartment which unfortunately, we all know the rest!
keep up the great work!
Ha! Humorous and insightful! Enjoy your writing!
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