Tool Academy 2, episode 5: Growing old is heck

Through wrinkles, splotches, and paunches, the eight remaining tools confront the reality of growing up and maturity.  But first...

A farting contest!  The other six tools bet on whether Stew or John will be the first to trumpet the arrival of a new day.  Jokes about matches and chemical warfare follow before the tools are herded into the therapy room where they suddenly become much less musical. Trina announces that this week's lesson will be on maturity (Dre P was hoping for some sex ed; Dre P was sorely disappointed).

In order to lighten the mood--most of the therapy sessions thus far have been real kicks in the gut--all of the tools will be transformed into much older versions of themselves.  Without their youthful good-ish looks, the tools will hopefully realize not a one of them is Peter Pan (you know, if he was a tool), and they need to start acting like adults.  In the make-up room, several of the tools begin to fret: wow, I'm really going to look like this one day.

Back in the therapy room, the girls have assembled, and the aged tools are revealed one by one. 

Frank: Frank has major fears about aging, but Christina worries that Frank is so afraid of growing old that he's not growing up.

Stew: After jigging into the room, we're treated to the lovely visual to your right.  These two are a crazy hill-billy match.  We end up learning more about Stew and Amanda's home life.  Stew hasn't had a job for over a year; Amanda lives with her parents; Stew gradually moved into Amanda's bedroom in her parent's house; Stew has no job and therefore no money so he can't contribute to Amanda's parents household (except maybe through his wind section talents); Stew has been unemployed for a year and he hasn't really done anything about it.  Trina tries not to simultaneously choke, vomit, and beat her head against the wall.  

Tyler: Shealyn sums it up: I'm up here and Tyler's down here.  Shealyn's ready for family and future and Tyler's still trying to be a kid (although supposedly he too used to be on board with the commitment thing).  

Charm: Charm has the perfect plan to show Andrea that he's committed to her and a future together: he wants a baby with her!  Both Andrea and Trina go whoa, hold up, stop.  Andrea refuses to be a baby-mama, and then Trina dumps reality on Charm: not only are you not married, your relationship is on the verge of dissolving.  Let's slow things down a little!

Dan: Shannon still has a problem with Dan's infidelity (imagine that!), and definitely wishes Dan was mature enough to keep his pants zipped.

Dre P: Dre P is a tool on a mission to change.  Last week he promised Leah that if something ever happened to her, Leah's daughter would have someone to take care of her.  This week, Dre P realizes that he has to see Leah as a (future) wife rather than just a girlfriend, and he can't flit into Leah's daughter's life and then just abandon her without a father or a reasonable facsimile thereof.  This tool is one to watch.  Let's just hope he doesn't backslide.

Terry: Nicole can't trust Terry out and about by himself, and he flips out.  Like OMG! You're one to talk! I saw you get physical with another guy last episode!  He touched your hand and everything! Trina tries to gently remind him that playing the blame game isn't very mature.  He's unfazed.

Jon: Finally Jon totters into the room where, yet again, we have to confront his alpha male/anger issues.  Jon tries to win some sympathy votes by sharing that he doesn't like surprises very much.  (Really? No way!) Trina suggests that adults are confident in their strength and don't need to constantly flaunt it.  Maybe we've finally gotten through to Jon?

No! The next morning he wakes up to ants crawling on his bed.  He freaks out, flipping over and breaking the bed.  John tears down some drapes and storms into the bathroom.  John's anger management issues go way beyond any counseling Trina can offer in the Academy.  He needs major, long-term help.  Eventually though, the producers taser John so they can trundle him off to the challenge.

Since this week's theme is maturity, each couple will have to build their nest egg.  In other words, each pair has to get as many eggs as they can across a pit of green slime and back to their 'nest.'  It's almost like the VH1 execs were just trying to come up with a flimsy excuse to have a challenge involving green slime...  Dan ultimately reveals the importance of this challenge: you wanna be mature and you wanna build your nest for like your offspring.  Wow, somebody's been putting some extra time into the 'thinking about stuff and learning new word-sayings' department.

When the challenge starts, Terry and John swing into uber-competitor mode.  The other couples work well together.  At the end of the challenge, Shealyn collapses with chest pains, and they have to call in the medics.  Tyler is commendably concerned and supportive.  She's okay, and the two of them end up coming in second with 262 eggs.  Terry and Nicole, however, win with 264 eggs.  Finally all of Terry's dancing payed off: he was able to cross the slime pit with Jesus-like ease.

At their date before elimination Terry once again brings up Nicole's scandalous hand massage and tries to make her see just how hurt he was by it.  Nicole reiterates that Terry's body shots are a whole lot worse, and then he talks over he: yeah, but like that other guy was touching your cuticles!  Your cuticles, baby!

Ultimately, all of the tools are jacketed and in the elimination room.  Tyler is called down first and given his merit badge.  Then, Dre P, Charm, and Frank are given their badges with reservations from Trina.  Finally, John, Stew, and Terry are the last three tools.  Trina suggests Stew work on the little unemployment problem but gives him a badge.  Between Terry and John I think Terry will leave, but nope, the network can't pay for any more property damage caused by John so he's sent packing.

Outside, John promises Sarah he'll change (39th time is the magic number, right?), and they get in the limo together.  Back inside, though, Frank and Charm decide that one of them needs to be the new alpha male of the house.  They posture and chest thump and fling feces.  Perhaps in a sign of true maturity, none of the other tools step forth as challengers or even try to break the pair up: hey, it's a double elimination next week so we might as well let the two knuckle-draggers get each other kicked off.  Do we really care who wins this pissing contest?  No, but we sure will tune in to see the two cro mag-tools beat each other with mammoth bones!

Need more of your favorite tools?  Catch up on last week's episode.  

**Check back tomorrow for a slideshow.  (After a system crash and server issues, I'm done with technology for the evening.)

All images from VH1.

 Want more? Head to the top of the page and choose the subscribe option to be notified every time I add an article.

All articles by Brenna Williams copyrighted. For permission to reproduce any article in part or whole, email
dallas.sr.examiner@gmail.com.