'Werewolf' (1996): A Review

It is because previous warnings have gone unheeded that, once again, I am forced to write about the dreaded Mole People and their desperate attempt to flood our cinematic markets with terrible and loathsome films out of spite for our visual capabilities. Lacking the ability to see, the blind Mole People of Earth's darkest gulfs are incapable of enjoying the cinematic classics that we hold so dear and take for granted, and so, out of revenge, they have procured a number of human directors as their servants to create films so heinous and miserable in hopes that we, the human race, turn our backs on cinema forever, thus allowing the Mole People at long last to succeed in their twisted scheme of demented revenge.

There can be no denying that Tony Zarindast, director of the cinematic atrocity 'Werewolf' (1996) is in league with the dreaded Mole People. His obviously fake name aside, the Mad Zarindast is responsible for one of the most bizarre and macabre pieces of cinematic invention, staring a cast of actors and actresses never seen again since their roles in his picture, as well as Joe Estevez, whose ties to the dreaded Mole People has been long established.

Ostensibly, the film is about an unscrupulous archeologist named Yuri (Jorge Rivero), the head of an archeological team unearths a fantastic discovery -- the skeleton of a long-deceased werewolf, complete with skeletal ears! (this complete lack of understanding of the decompositional properties of skin/cartilage being proof that a non-human wrote the script). Even more amazingly, Yuri discovers that when a person is injured in any way with the skeleton's bones, it causes its victim to transform into a werewolf (or "Wuur-wilf" to quote co-star, Adrianna Miles, playing Yuri's assistant Natalie.) When writer Paul Niles (Frederico Cavalli) arrives to assist in analyzing the remains, Yuri infects him as part of his experiments with the lycanthropic virus, and soon after Niles begins to show signs that he, like previous victims of Yuri, is slowly turning into a werewolf.

The proof that this film was created and conducted by non-human intelligence is abundant, with a number of inconsistencies and strange plot issues that only further cement the notion that the Mad Zarindast is either in league with the Mole People, or perhaps even one of their own disguising himself as a human. Aside from the aforementioned appearance of ears on what is clearly a skeleton, the director appears to have little to no understanding of lunar phases, for its established that the events of the film take place over a mere couple of weeks, and yet there is almost always a full moon every night. Every those of us with only a rudimentary understanding of the lunar phases know that a full moon does not occur more than once or twice per month, and yet this film, in the span of no more than two or three weeks, displays the full moon in almost every night scene depicted in the film!

More proof that the creator (or creators) of this film lack a basic understanding of earthly science can be seen later, when Yuri -- after infecting a security guard (played by the Mad Zarindast himself) with blood from a previous victim -- chases after the werewolf guard in a maddening car race in hopes of capturing him for further study. During the chase, however, the guard comes across a collection of oil drums (placed in the middle of the road for no explicable reason) and promptly blows up after crashing into them -- defying both science (the car would not have exploded in real life, it would simply have been wrecked since there was no presence of fire at the crash) and logic (there is no conceivable reason for the oil drums to be in the middle of the road!).

But perhaps the most bizarre and disturbing inconsistency within the film is the hairstyles of Jorge Rivero, who goes through no less than six or seven distinct hairstyles throughout the course of the film. Though some more simple-minded viewers will think that this absence of continuity is the result of laziness or incompetence on the filmmaker's part, others know the dark and twisted truth -- that the switching between hairstyles is actually a form of "coded communication" that allows the Mad Zarindast to convey furtively his successes and failures to the dreaded Mole People without arousing the suspicion of us, the human race.

Aside from the multiform and blatant continuity errors that 'Werewolf' is inundated with, there is also the choice of cast that warns one of the terrible secrets that lay within its cinematic folds. The cast seems to possess little understanding of "human accents", the most frequent and obvious offender being Adrianna Miles, whose "Russian" accent dips between "nonexistent" to "southern drawl" throughout the course of the film -- the latter of which is particularly noticeable during the bar scene wherein Natalie and Yuri are playing pool. The only real actor of note and the only one whose "successful" within the context of the film is Joe Estevez, who is undeniably creepy in 'Werewolf', though unfortunately the eldritch aura that Estevez generates is more unintentionally than it is purposefully (one shudders at the sight of Joe Estevez for reasons the mind cannot fathom!)

Though the loathsome and malign Mole People and their human puppet Tony Zarindast succeed in creating one of the most balefully perplexing films of the 1990's, this does not mean that we cannot defeat them at their own scheme. As a "horror film", 'Werewolf' is an exercise in banality and poor craftsmanship. However, as an "unintentional comedy", the film is pure gold and will generate more laughs than most intentional comedies of the same time period. Those seeking cinematic frights must look elsewhere, but for those of us who desire a great deal of laughs and wish to destroy the evil machinations of the Mole People, watch "Werewolf" and enjoy the so-awful-its-genius story that is offered to you. You won't regret it.

Find the nearest Blockbuster near your home so you can rent this film almost immediately. Or, if you prefer that movies came to you instead, set up a Netflix account and start your ordering as soon as possible.