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Transformers Age of Extinction Review: Bloated and Migraine Inducing

Transformers: Age of Extinction

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This writer has a hangover like migraine this morning. It could be from the changing weather, is constantly changing in Ohio. It could be allergies, which living in the Miami Valley is a constant presence. After seeing Fed Up last week, it could be the clear carbonated pop produced by a certain major soda company (anyone who lives outside of the Great Lakes area, we say pop instead of soda). The only real variable is watching Transformers: Age of Extinction. This writer is grateful someone else was nice enough to pay for her ticket, though fears that some of her brain cells may have exploded in desperation to escape the utter stupidity of the movie.
When people complain about Peter Jackson’s Middle Earth movies being too long and bloated, this writer will bring up Michael Bay’s Transformer movies, While the Middle Earth movies are arguably over bloated with story and characters, the Transformer movies are over bloated with mind numbing crap. It’s over 2 ½ hours long and it feels like ten hours—or like falling asleep in Inception and being stuck in the Limbo to wake and be disoriented.
Nicole Peltz plays the toke “hot girl” in this movie. She’s benefits by being the best toke hot girl in a Transformers movie to date, but the bar was sit pretty low. One could argue that there are plenty of actresses who are both good eye candy and have talent, but they have too much self respect to do a Michael Bay movie; but Bay attracted talented men like Stanley Tucci, Kelsey Grammar, and Mark Walberg (who is good eye candy). He had all the awesomeness of Leonard Nimoy and Alan Tudyk in the last movie, and managed to suck all the acting ability out of their performances. Nicole Peltz’s ‘hot girl’ has a boyfriend (who is clearly supposed to be cool) and she has been taking care of her father since her mother died. Bay creates a scene with dialogue between Mark Walberg and Nicole Peltz that is clearly meant to give the characters some depth, but it just makes the movie even more bloated and annoying.
Sophia Myles plays a seemingly intelligent archeologist type woman and Bingbing Li plays some sort of successful business woman who can fight well enough to give other characters time to run from the bad guys, but neither woman has much impact on the ‘story.’ From now on when people say that Zoe Saldana’s Urhura was reduced to being a nagging girlfriend or or Alice Eve’s Carol Marcus was reduced to being eye candy in Star Trek Into Darkness. This writer will remind them of women in the Transformer movies.
The action in this movie is as dragged out as it is in the previous movies, it ends as abruptly and anti-climatically as it does in the previous movies. This writer will not say that only stupid people like these movies (she knows plenty of intelligent people, including the person nice enough to buy her ticket, who enjoy this stuff). The problem is that to derive any enjoyment out of these turd plop events, it is absolutely essential to ‘check one’s brains at the door.’ When people have to ‘check their brains at the door’ it means the movie is complete garbage. If this movie comes on TV, this writer will smash that TV to a million pieces before watching it (though there will be plenty of other things to do, so the TV set will be safe). Since 2007, the Transformers have been held as the standard of bad action movies. Transformers: Age of Extinction continues that proud tradition.