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'The Wolf of Wall Street' more cringeworthy than money-smart entertainment

Actors Leonardo DiCaprio (L) and Jonah Hill attend the 19th Annual Critics' Choice Movie Awards at Barker Hangar on January 16, 2014 in Santa Monica, Calif.
Actors Leonardo DiCaprio (L) and Jonah Hill attend the 19th Annual Critics' Choice Movie Awards at Barker Hangar on January 16, 2014 in Santa Monica, Calif.
Photo by Christopher Polk/Getty Images

"The Wolf of Wall Street" movie

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If a moviegoer walks into the theater thinking "The Wolf of Wall Street" will be about a stockbroker who let greed get the best of him by hustling the rich and poor out of penny stocks, that's a small part of the film. And by small, picture the size of an apple seed. This is not a money-smart film. This is not a business film. This is a film meant to brag about the effects of so much money that it can't even be kept in one bank account.

For the ladies who came to theaters solely to drool over Leonardo DiCaprio playing the role of Jordan Belfort, he'll do far more drooling than you. This will also include him trying to make himself regurgitate, give himself an enema and not flinch when someone spits in his face. Sexy, right?

Don't bother looking for Matthew McConaughey to be in the movie long. His role as Mark Hanna is featured in the first few minutes and then he disappears for the other 95 percent of the film. If you saw the previews for the film, that about sums up his lines.

If fans want to see "The Wolf of Wall Street" to see comedic actor Jonah Hill in a serious role as Belfort's sidekick, they will indeed see the serious side of him. They'll also see too much saliva and a grotesque choking scene that didn't add to the film at all. This particular scene was so repulsive that those with a weak stomach may literally gag and cover their faces for several minutes (read: me).

The film scored five Oscar nominations, but it's a mystery how it did so. The movie dragged on for three hours of constant reminders to moviegoers about the same plot over and over again: greedy stockbroker wants more money. Nothing too creative. Nothing educational. Nothing surprising.

An article in Forbes' magazine about Belfort lead to even more money-hungry men wanting to work for him at his '80s company Stratton Oakmont. Belfort sells cheap stock. Benefits from naive investors. Gets millions of dollars. Shows off lavish purchased items, such as a yacht with a private helicopter on top of it. The FBI is out to get him. Women flock to the investors in droves. Shaved and unshaved vaginas constantly make the film seem like soft porn. Women on top, on the side or under a man humping them profusely. Repeat cycle. The women's faces may change, but besides showing a vagina, small breasts and diamonds, they're not doing much.

For those who are interested in money topics, such as stocks, bonds and mutual funds, this film may turn them off completely from anything related to Wall Street or investing. It is possible to create a film that educates viewers about business, investments and includes some relationship twists (ex. "The Social Network"). However, for every moment that there could've been some intellectual talk, it's met with a flippant hand wave, boasting or the most arrogant office room speeches ever in the history of moviemaking.

What's worse is this film is too predictable to make the cast worth watching. So many people in the film were played like suckers and/or animals to the point of there being no good guy to root for. Even the girlfriends and wives were vindictive. The FBI agent barely had a personality. Watching this 180-minute film is like going to a sports game with two teams you both wish would lose.

It's a dark, grueling film that could easily be the 2014 public announcement for "Say no to drugs," but that's about it.

Recommended Reading:

Movie Review: '21 Jump Street' (5 out of 5 stars)

Movie review: 'Mud' (3 out of 5 stars)

Movie Review: 'Django' (1 out of 5 stars)

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