Ni hao ma, Walking Dead fans! It’s once again time to recap all the madness and drama of this weeks’ episode! As predicted, Carl tattled on Carol, the team investigated Patrick’s mysterious sickness, and instead of watching tomatoes grow Rick slaughter and awful lot of pigs! There’s so much to cover and so little time! Let’s get rollin’!
We open with a shadowy figure feeding fence-zombies (or Fez, as I’ll refer to them from now on) rats. Gasp! Someone from the inside! Do I sense an experiment afoot? My bet is on Herschel. Any farm guy who can perform life saving surgery on a kid with a scalpel is probably secretly a mad scientist. Or maybe it’s that guy who used to work as a medic in the National Guard. Marines? Navy? Navy Seals? Dolphins? Whatever. Some career that involved sea life and medical assistance.
Basically, we can rule out all the couples because they are too busy making out inside their jail cells.
Like T-Dogg and Sasha. (Note: These aren’t their real names. I don’t remember their names. I haven’t bonded enough with their characters to care yet.)
T-Dogg is singing, then asking for booty. Sasha is giggling, and then refusing. It’s late and she needs to go wash her makeup-less face off. Sasha struts down the hallway to the bathroom, where we last saw Patrick reanimate.
Patrick follows pretty Sasha back to her cell but instead of eating her he chomped on the guy next to her who was also coughing. Could it be the zombies are primarily drawn to those with this…influenza?
Morning comes. In creepy stalker fashion Glenn takes a photo of Maggie while she sleeps. I bet he wishes Facebook was around so he could post it as a status update and tag her. “My sleeping beauty…” it would say. Maggie would see it, do a cute little pout, and then bitch slap him because he’d refuse to untag her and then they’d have a catastrophic fight which would inevitably lead to the demise of their relationship.
“Oofta! It’s a good thing life isn’t so hard here in zombie land!” Glenn thinks as he gazes at the Polaroid. It’s true; some things in life are much better post-zombie apocalypse.
Moving on. Carl is farming with Rick. He makes an astute observation about the Fez and how the fence is basically about to topple.
“Maybe we could help the others out at the fence today,” he suggests to Rick. “You know, stab a couple of those Fez’ in the face.”
“I got another plan,” Rick grumbles. “Involving dirt and cucumbers.”
No joke. I couldn’t have written that better myself.
Turns out Rick is a member of “Fathers Against Fathers With Guns”. He is still refusing to work with weapons. Carl asks, again, if he can please go kill things and Rick says no. Again.
Then the screaming begins! Within minutes, 90% of the people in Block D are zombies or are getting eaten by them. Enter Rick, Mama Bear, and Daryl. Daryl is working his crossbow, as he always does, for the viewing pleasure of yours truly. Rick is trying to save children. Mama Bear is attempting an amputation in the midst of the chaos. She only gets as far as strapping up the wound before she realizes that her victim has a chunk of his neck taken out. It’s too late.
“Will you care for my girls like they were your own?” he asks Mama Bear.
Of course, she will. Haven’t you seen what she’s been teaching them in story hour? The girls come to say farewell and one of them tries to muster up the courage to finish off her Dad. She chickens out, drops the knife, begins hyperventilating, and is comforted by her little sister as Carol does the deed.
“Just look at the flowers with me, Lizzy,” her little sister says.
“Yes, Lizzy, just look at the flowers…” whispers Carol, hauntingly, as she jams a knife into his skull.
Outside Carl and Maggie are fending off zombies as they attack Michonne. In an attempt to save Michonne’s life, Carl grabs a shotgun and pulls the trigger. Later, when Rick comes out, Carl rushes to him.
“I used one of the guns by the gate,” Carl weeps in his father’s arms. “I swear I didn’t want to.”
Bullshit, Carl. We all saw the look in your eye when you blew that zombies’ head off. For a split second I thought I was looking at Shane. Why don’t you go into the bathroom and shave your head while you are at it?
“It’s okay, son,” Rick says. “We’re all probably infected with influenza so we’ve deduced that we should stay away from anyone who was not in Cell Block D so that we don’t spread it. And that means your baby sister. But that is okay because I am not very attached to her anyway. The wet-nurse, Beth, can take care of her.”
Speaking of wet-nurse Beth, she is taking care of Michonne’s broken/sprained foot. Michonne is kicking herself (no pun intended) for letting Maggie and Carl put their lives in danger just to help her.
“They could have gotten hurt,” she sighs, showing some uncharacteristically visible concern.
“Well, when you care about someone, hurt is part of the package,” Beth retorts.
Really, Beth? Last week you didn’t shed a tear over your dead boyfriend. I knew you had it in for Daryl. I knew it.
Cut to an awkward shot of the baby playing with beer-pong cups. Why?...
Doesn’t matter. Little Ass Kicker begins to cry.
“Does she always cry?” a distressed Michonne asks.
“I think she senses people’s moods,” Beth smugly says, walking away. Or when the devil is near, Beth, and by devil I mean you.
Uh oh! Remember Sasha from the beginning? She’s got a cough, and T-Dogg is escorting her back to his cell so “she can rest” when the group intervenes. She’s gotta be quarantine in the “Death Row” block, just like everyone else showing symptoms.
Later Daryl is digging graves with Rick and giving him a motivational speech. I had a hard time listening. I was too busy thinking about how sexy Daryl looks with everything. Crossbows. Shovels. Babies. He’s the perfect man. And that tattoo on his shoulder…what is it? I just want to peel back that vest and…
What’s that Daryl? Oh, it’s Maggie screaming. Zombies are (still) driving down the fence. We watch Rick proceed to defend the prison grounds with Maggie and Daryl. At one point he stops, longingly looks back at the farm, sighs and then says, “Get the truck, Daryl. I know what to do.”
A montage of Rick luring walkers with little piglets begins. For a man who has killed zombies and people (including his psycho best friend) sacrificing these pigs seems to really get under his skin. In psychology I believe it’s called displacement. He has displaced his feelings (good/bad/otherwise) about his dead wife, dead best friend, and the death of humanity on to these piglets and slaughtering them represents the reality that is death. Thanks, Rick. I’ll take a swig of some whiskey now and try to shake that damaging shit off. You’ve ruined my Monday with this philosophical crap.
As if the depth of this suffering couldn’t get any worse we discover that clearly, Michonne has lost a child. Forging details let’s just say it involves baby vomit, the Little Asskicker, and Michonne weeping so much the group should have put out rain barrels because they’d never have to worry about dying of thirst again.
Did she perhaps, lose mysterious baby to her zombie boyfriend and his best friend - the armless, jawless zombies she used to command from chains. She said they were monsters before turning, after all…
Carol and Carl have a quick chat about ‘story hour’. Boring. Carol gives a flower to one of her newly adopted daughters. That’s right. Giving a girl flowers makes the fact that you just rammed a knife into her dad’s skull all better.
Carl tattles on Carol. Rick caves and gives Carl a gun. Then Rick puts on his old Sheriff belt and pulls a “Carrie” by tossing his pig’s blood covered shirt into the fire.
Stephen King would be proud. Symbolic. Let’s get to something interesting.
T-Dogg is bringing flowers to Sasha (because like I said, flowers make EVERYTHING better). At her cell he finds a trail of blood out the back door and two charred bodies on the pavement. Sasha’s bracelet, still in tact, dangles from her burned hands. What the fuck just happened here? Someone wanted to make sure the influenza didn’t spread, that’s what. And T-Dogg is PISSED!
Next week: T-Dogg loses it when he discovers that his nookie just got taken away, Daryl continues to look sexy with a crossbow, and Beth begins to suffer from post-partum depression.