For the remainder of the Reaper Bones reviews, Talien AKA Tal (the satyr paladin) and Maleficent AKA Mal (the half-fey/half-fiend sorceress) will review familiars as part of a new series, "That Familiar Show," a sort of fantasy dog show. In this installment, they review a hawk.
Tal: Well, it finally happened. This is the final episode of "That Familiar Show."
Mal: It's your fault we've been cancelled.
Tal: MY fault? How is this my fault?
Mal: Can we just talk about the familiar today?
Tal: Fine. Introducing the rare and definitely interesting HAWK. It's a HAWK. It FLIES. It's standing there on a ROCK.
Mal: The problem with small flying familiars is that they have two profiles: sideways, which means they look like oblong lumps, or full on with wings out.
Tal: This happens rarely in real life -- it's more likely the creature has its winged tucked at its sides -- but all of these options would be rather boring.
Mal: Which is why this hawk appears to be standing on a rock with his wings outspread.
Tal: I think the hawk is flashing me.
Mal: You think everything is flashing you.
Tal: I'm a satyr, give me a break.
Mal: You never let me forget. Speaking of never letting you forget, let's talk more about how this is all your fault.
Tal: You know, the hawk's posture is similar to the bat familiar we reviewed earlier.
Batman: I was just going to say that.
Tal: Oh great, he's back.
Batman: I'm Batman.
Tal: We know.
Mal: I KNOW!
Batman: This hawk reminds me of somebody I know...
Hawkman: Yeah, it reminds me of Batman.
Batman: Want to get out of here?
Tal: Oh great. Well, that leaves me and...
Hawkman: Want to get out of here?
Tal: Uh, no thanks.
Hawkman: I was talking to the hawk.
Want more? Subscribe to this column; follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Pinterest, and the web; buy my books: The Evolution of Fantasy Role-Playing Games, The Well of Stars, and Awfully Familiar. Become an Examiner and get paid to write today!