Oddly, the stupid plot is not what makes Priest hard to watch. That's quite a feat too, considering how stupid the plot is.
Priest takes place in some sort of alternate timeline in which humanity has always fought vampires. You see various animated renditions of battles in which people are dressed in medieval armor, uniforms similar to those worn in World War I and more modern gear. We find all this out in an opening narration lasting several minutes that explains all this. Opening narrations are, of course, the last refuge of incompetent movie makers who never heard the "Show, do not tell" rule of story telling so it's not a good sign of things to come. We are told that the human race finally defeated the vampire menace by creating the Priests, an elite fighting force whose high level training makes them superior to the vampires. Why it never occured to anyone for centuries to form this elite fighting force until the 21st century is never explained. Also never explained is why these Priests, who make it a point not to use firearms, were better at killing vampires than entire armies who had no problem using not only guns but tanks, missiles and bombs. Moving on, the Priests managed to utterly defeat the vampires who are now kept on heavily guarded reservations. Why were they not just killed? Because if they had been, there would be no reason to make this movie.
The movie opens with the main character, known only as Priest (Paul Bettany), instead of being lionized for his role in saving humanity, is now treated as one of the lowest members of society. Why? You like to ask why a lot. Shut up, that's why. Priest now lives in a large city made dark by pollution and in the grip of an oppressive government run by the Church that used to employ him as a clerical vampire hunter. Sadly, his depressing life is made worse when a sheriff from the outer territories named Hicks (Cam Gigandet) informs him that vampires attacked his brother's family and made off with Priest's niece, Lucy (Lily Collins). Priest goes to the clerical hierarchy headed by Monsignor Orelas (the great Christopher Plummer), a man whose disbelief in any sort of modern vampire menace is so great that he all but sticks his fingers in his ears shouting, "LA LA LA," whenever he hears about it. They refuse to let him leave the city but he does anyway so they send a team of Priests led by his former lover (Maggie Q) to bring him back.
Still yes, they have a stupid plot but that's nothing a movie can't overcome. If stupid plots kept people out of the theaters, there would be maybe three movies a year that made any money. Fast Five had a stupid plot yet that turned into a very entertaining film. What makes Priest unwatchable is its utter lack of joy. Pretty much every single character in Priest is clinically depressed. The titular character never smiles despite the fact that he's an amazing human being who can do all sorts of cool things like toss little pointy things at vampires with pinpoint accuracy and scale barren cliff faces by tossing rocks in the air and jumping off them before they fall back to the ground. If you're thinking that people would probably be depressed if they really were living through some sort of vampire apocaplypse, the repsponse to that is that the filmmakers picked a lousy time to suddenly embrace the concept of realism. The only two characters who ever appear to be happy about anything are the villains, Monsignor Orelas and a former priest turned vampire ally called Black Hat (Karl Urban). These two are fun to watch because they are absolutely giddy with the way the world is. Orelas likes being in charge of an oppressive theocracy and Black Hat is just thrilled at the prospect that vampires may rise again. When they're not on the screen, the movie reaches depths of depression for which even Ingmar Bergman never dared attempt. Even the vampires are no fun to watch. They basically look like big, eyeless blobs of uncooked chicken. Clinical depression is no fun to watch so neither is Priest.
As vampire movies go, at least it's better than watching some brooding, emo type fight for the love of his mumbling girlfriend against a well cut werewolf. But no by much. Priest is currently showing at Aviation Mall's Regal 7. They're charging 3D prices for the priviledge of watching this awful film so stuff your wallet full of money before leaving home.
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