Skip to main content

See also:

Noah Movie Review 2014

Noah's Ark depicted from the brief description in Genesis 6.
Noah's Ark depicted from the brief description in Genesis 6.
Courtesy of

Noah (2014)


Two Thumbs Down!

Not even one OMG in the entire movie!

Christians and Bible Readers, beware and put your money back in your pocket before considering to attend the new release movie entitled "Noah" starring Russell Crowe and Jennifer Connelly.

Attending a secular-made film about a Biblical character and starring Russell Crowe, one would tend to be skeptical right off. Furthermore, when the movie previews focus on fantasy and superheroes flying through space and super villains endeavoring, once again (yawn), to dominate the world, one would become even more dubious about the "feature presentation."

However, I must admit that even that did not prepare this columnist for the utter nonsense and chaos revealed in the "Noah" film pre-release on March 27th at the Cinemark Theatre, 5500 Antioch Rd., Mission, KS.

From the beginning and the introduction of the "Watchers," glowing rock men if you can believe it, "Noah" was just one more blow 'em up-beat 'em-up formula film as any other. The "Watchers," which in this version built the Ark for Noah, are nothing more than large transformers plummeted from heaven as either comets or fallen angels and punished by evolving into rock-men with bad arthritis issues.

One previous review I had heard was that the film did not even mention the name of "God" or "Jehovah." To leave out this significant Player in the events that transpired in the Biblical account seemed to be in contrast to the very clear statement in no uncertain terms that Noah was directed by God to build the Ark, how to build it, and what it would hold. (Genesis 6:14)

Yet, yes indeed, the word (shhhh!) GOD! was not mentioned whereas every sitcom and all secular movies love the OMG phrase to insane distraction! Nevertheless, the name "Creator" was mentioned with such frequency and in such an undeniable way, this columnist was waiting breathlessly for the characters to utter, "May the force be with you!"

An interesting segment of the film was Noah's belief that the world would be a better place without human beings and that the innocent animals would get along much better (duh!). His internal struggle to deny his children spouses becomes a maniacal obsession to murder his own grandchildren and allow the world a paradise without pesky men. (Personally, I think the writer should have started by annihilating this plot which loved animation rather than accuracy!) The fact that his love for the grandchildren overcome his murderous plot leads to yards of the film's tape in guilt and drunkenness.

One very litigious symbolism to the Biblical account of creation and the Noah event was the constant correlation in the film between the snake and the mention of "the Creator." This distinction was relentlessly epitomized by the magic hereditary snake skin used to "bless" future "good" generations of humans. Rather insulting considering a snake was used as the representative of Satan in the fall of man. (Genesis 3)

Another phrase used frequently and sacrilegiously by Tubal-cain (Ray Winstone) in the film was "I was made in His image" before he would do something dastardly. However, many Christians believe "in His image" refers to a being with an eternal soul that will continue to exist in everlasting heaven or never-ending damnation. (Genesis 1:27)

Nevertheless, some more humorous sections in the film were how modern Tubal-cain's welding helmet was, how Noah seemed to find an excellent barber despite the humanistic mayhem, the mystical and magical Methuselah played by Anthony Hopkins (did he only just take his makeup off?), and strangely enough, the Biblical event does not even mention Noah's amazing martial arts expertise as demonstrated in the film!

An account of the actual Creation that Noah related in the film was surprisingly pretty accurate. Must have lasted all of 60 seconds.

Frankly, despite years of contrary propaganda, Hollywood has to now acknowledge that the Christian audience does really exist and might want to spend some money to see films. Unfortunately, if they plan to stick with Biblical events, they might want to open up the Bible someday and do more than spell the name right.

Receive e-mail alerts when new articles are available at no cost. Just click on the "Subscribe" button above. Thank you!