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Lets Not Sail Along With "Noah"

Noah and the ark

Rating:
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An elderly troublemaker invaded our privacy for almost three hours last night, refusing to leave us alone. It was an intolerable situation, the old man was a jerk, he was mean to everyone around him. He should have been unceremoniously kick to the curb, by his family who was there, but no such luck.

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Photo by Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images for Paramount Pictures International

Probably because he was actor, Russell Crowe playing the biblical figure "Noah" on the big cinematic screen during it's big opening week."Noah".supposedly "inspired by" the Biblical story, that hasn't stopped the outpouring of critism from religous followers who actually took time to read about the factual story about Noah in the bible, while in church. Missing the movie version of "Noah" with the Transformer like talking boulders that sounded like Nick Nolte.

"Noah" is "equal parts ridiculous and magnificent." And while noting of course in his mind, that he, Crowe "turns out to be perfectly cast in the title role," Parts of 'Noah' don't work really, truly don't, the stories between the characters is weak. But the parts that work are the animal stampede Fx and the tidal wave that almost sweep us away in the huge flood scenes.

But then comes the star of "Noah" unlike last year when Russell Crowe played Superboys dad 'Jor-El', Superman's father in "The Man of Steele", and we only had to deal with a couple of slices of baloni from Crowe.Even though it did seem like the film became about 'Jor-El' than Superman. He wasn't too anoying,but in "Noah"we were served lots of baloni, ham and plenty of cheese. Crow almost sufocated us and smothered co-star Jennifer Connelly as'Naameh" his wife, her acting only shined for 5 minutes the entire film. She was so aggravated and overwelmed on close up her catapillar like eyebrows suddenly cross from left to right on their own out of pure fear.

Even little Emma Watson, Potters, Hermione would rather be whipped by Severus Snape than deal with Noahs crap. Even Anthony Hopkins playing "Methusela" was a nicer guy as "Hannibal Lecter" than Crowe was as "Noah". Especially when "Noah" got a case of the crazies and tried to plugeon Emma Watson's newborn twins. Ray Winstone "Tubal-cain" was was actually the bad guy after offing his twin brother Able, came across better than "Noah".

The only break we got from Noah's nonsense was the non-documental testament of the hillarious rock monsters, obviosly omitted by the St.James version found in most motels and along with the notion of Noah as a kind of deranged cult leader. Causing us to just give up and go with it, lets face it, "Noah's" fixed somewhere between a film of pure wonder and a less explicitly about religious context. Noah had one job, A: Build and Arc. B: Why? C: Because a life threatening flood was coming and the worlds animals had to be saved, except for the Unicorned flying Pegasus,besides Santa's reindeers won the spot over all.

This non-relious film has had its fair share of controversy, including complaints that there is a lack of mention of God in the film. But at least the Fx in "Noah" are good. But not as a rental or cable view, it's a big screen movie popcorn must see watcher.