If you want to make money, make a template for Pirates of the Caribbean movie reviews that reads, "Johnny Depp's tour de force performance failed to save the lastest chapter in the story of Captain Jack Sparrow," and sell it to film critics. You may make as much doing that as the Pirates movies have made since the first one premiered back in 2003 since that is pretty much what everyone writes. Sadly, this review will not differ from that opinion and could have benefited from such a template. Instead, it must now be written manually so it's probably best to stop wasting time and get on with it.
Once again, Johnny Depp has returned to play the wonderful pirate Captain Jack Sparrow for a fourth time and, as the case has been with the other three, he's the main reason to plunk down ten dollars (or thirteen if you're seeing it in 3D) at Aviation Mall's Regal 7. Unfortunately, the role which earned him an Oscar nomination isn't enough to make it worth the investment of your money and time. It's not horrible or unwatchable like Priest was. In fact, it starts off just fine. The first 20 minutes make you think that maybe, just maybe, new director Rob Marshall was exactly what this franchise needed to elevate it above the dumb, boring fare that is the first three films but no, he learned well the lessons taught by those movies and slowed down the fun, energetic pace of the opening scenes. And why shouldn't he? Those movies are some of the top grossing films of all time which is why Disney spent whatever Johnny Depp's outrageous salary demands were to get him to return as Jack Sparrow.
The movie opens with Jack's old first mate, Mr. Scrum (Stephen Graham), on trial in London because they think HE is Jack Sparrow. After Jack engineers a rather clever plan to spare him the hangman's noose and engineer his release, Jack is himself captured during an 18th century version of a car chase through the streets of old London. He is presented to, of all people, King George III who wants him to lead an expedition to find the legendary Fountain of Youth. Jack decides against this when he sees that he would be under the command of his old nemesis Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush who's great as always). Barbossa now has only one leg and is still a pirate though he now holds the more respectable title of privateer and claims to be a loyal subject of the King though what he really wants is revenge against the pirate who cost him his leg. That would be Blackbeard (Ian McShane) who is described as, "the pirate all pirates fear." Blackbeard was a real guy though he probably wasn't as proficient with black magic as this version of Blackbeard is. Blackbeard can control his ship with a magic sword as well as bring back the dead to serve him as zombies. As luck would have it, Blackbeard is also looking for the Fountain of Youth along with his daughter (Penelope Cruz) who just happens to be an old lover of Jack's. If you're thinking, "All this winning formula needs is a sexy mermaid," then you're in luck because sexy mermaid does show up when they need a mermaid's tear to activate the Fountain.
This all could have been good, should have been good and, as has already been stated, started off good. The problem is that it slowed down and became dull. The fun and non-stop action of the first 20 minutes became the boredom and the very-much-stoppable action of the rest of the movie. Oh, it had it's moments and the cast (unlike in Priest) seemed to be enjoying the hammy, over-the-top roles they were given but there were just too many moments of people talking about double and triple crosses, tramping through the jungle and yammering on about mermaid's tears to sustain entertainment and recommend the movie.
Not that any of what has been said here will make any difference. You, the movie going audience, have already made it a huge hit and pretty much guaranteed a fifth movie. And you have only yourselves to blame.
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