'Jail Bait' (1954): A Review

It is difficult, if not impossible to determine when exactly the dreaded Mole People began their esoteric campaign to pollute the movie-theatres with their awful, terrible movies out of spite for us above dwellers and our ability to see and, thus, enjoy good cinema. However, one fact does remain undisputable: Director Edward Wood Jr. was there greatest and most loyal disciple, if not their terrestrial-born messiah.

Much has been written about Wood's magnum opus, 'Plan 9 from Outer Space' (1959), as well as a few of his other well-known productions of infandous cinema. However, few have had the stomach or fortitude to sit through Wood's only foray into the dark and poetic field of "film noir" -- a little gem of screaming lunacies and ham-fisted performances entitled 'Jail Bait' (1954), whose misleading title is the least of its flaws.

Though 'Jail Bait' is strangely more lucid and plotted-out than most of Wood's other work, and seems to suggest some level of improvement in the madman's construction of a story, ultimately the film does not fail to deliver -- or rather punish its' audience with the typical flaws and bizarre imperfections that mar and contaminate so much of the Mad Director's work.

The basic premise of Wood's deranged tale follows the antics of Don Gregor (Clancey Malone), the son of plastic surgeon Dr. Gregor (Herbert Rawlinson) who has gotten himself mixed up with a no good thug named Vic Brady (Timothy Farrell). After the robbery of a movie-theatre ends in the shooting death of a security guard, Vic Brady coerces Dr. Gregor to perform some plastic surgeon on him (in his living room, no less) in hopes of evading the police with the aid of a new face. However, after Dr. Gregor makes a terrible discovery in Brady's apartment, the coerced doctor turns the tables on his would-be captor, and an even more shocking twist lays in store for the violent gangster Brady.

Although none of the aforementioned actors went on to do much else following the completion of 'Jail Bait' except wallow in obscurity or, in the case of Herbert Rawlinson, literally die after finishing their scenes, one actor who makes an appearance in this film -- a Mister Steve Reeves -- would later obtain some moderate success as 'Hercules' in a number of Italian-produced films starring the titular hero -- though its obvious from Reeves' performance in 'Jail Bait' why the Italians would go on to dub his voice in nearly all of their Hercules-inspired films, given the absence of life and/or emotion in Reeves enunciations and intonations, which Reeves tries to distract people from by taking off his shirt (an inane though, at times, effect trick).

As for the other actors in Wood's strange production, the problem is not one of understatement, but rather overstatement, as Malone and Farrell and all the rest spout out their awkwardly worded dialogue with all of the subtleties and nuances of a sledgehammer to the face. "Maybe you shouldn't have done that" exclaims Brady's moll after he commits a brutal murder. "This afternoon, we had a long telephone conversation earlier in the day" exclaims Dr. Gregor, who apparently does not know what words are.

But awkward dialogue and hammy delivery are not the only auditory insults the audience must endure while viewing Wood's inept attempt at 'hardboiled drama'. Throughout the entirety of a film, the audience is subjected to a dissonant, obnoxious, jangly music score consisting of a Mexican-inspired guitar riff and a mad pounding of piano keys. Originally from the equally abysmal film 'Mesa of Lost Women' (1953), Wood decided to "borrow" the awful score for his own picture, no doubt hoping that the abrasive tune would be loud enough to drown out the diabolical screams of his vengeful Mole People masters, whose wailing cries undoubtedly haunted his nightmares until his final days.

But of course, no Ed Wood film is complete without some non-sequitor padding or the irrelevant inclusion of some bizarre, nightmarish scenes that have little to no connection to the film. In a move that is equal parts offensive as it is mind-boggling malign, Wood decides that the best way to lengthen his film to feature-length is include a random scene of a nightclub act...an unfunny nightclub act...an unfunny nightclub act that involves blackface. Yes. Though the dreaded Mole People may be blind and jealous of our ability to see and distinguish color, their lack of eyesight has not stymied them from being a bunch of insane racists.

Though its use of real locations in lieu of cardboard sets and surprisingly more coherent than usual plot prevent Ed Wood's 'Jail Bait' from reaching messianic levels of ineptitude and fiendishness, there is enough of the dreaded Mole Peoples' twisted influence to be found in Wood's terrible, unspeakably horrific foray into the film noir genre to inspire more than a few unintentional laughs and groans of anguish from its' audiences. A fun film, certainly, but only if you think it's fun to have your intelligence and sensibilities insulted for 71 straight minutes.

Find the nearest Blockbuster near your home so you can rent this film almost immediately. Or, if you prefer that movies came to you instead, set up a Netflix account and start your ordering as soon as possible.