I hate watching movies where I have no idea what is going on: I might as well just get drunk and watch a soccer game: That is my special metaphor for indulging in “The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug.”
Granted, I was not prepared. I could have read a million pages of Tolkien and studied the social implications of dwarves, elves, orcs, and dragons, but I just didn’t have the time ─ nor the inclination. Is it really necessary to take a history class in order to enjoy a movie?
Let me see if I can get the plot right: A group of warrior dwarves, who like to drink beer and fight, gather together to recapture their lost kingdom, which is loaded with gold and protected by a dragon (Smaug – Benedict Cumberbatch). They enlist Bilbo (Martin Freeman), a stay at home type of hobbit, to help them recover something called the Arkenstone; a jewel that will reunite the nine tribes of dwarves so that they can live happily ever after. The problem for master burglar Bilbo is that Smaug likes to sleep with the Arkenstone.
As far as I can tell that is about it for the plot. The rest of the movie is some kind of Disney ride which includes a barrel ride on the rapids, lions, tigers, and bears ─ and spiders; trolls, repulsive orcs, and stone giants ─ and lets not forget the flying elves with their bows and arrows who appear to be juiced on drugs. I have absolutely no idea what Gandalf (Ian McKellen) is doing as he is wondering around the forest and the Lonely Mountain.
Hate to ruin the party for anybody who hasn’t seen this movie, but the whole thing is pretty stupid. Anybody that indulges in too much on this kind of stuff needs therapy. (Rated PG-13: 161 mins.)
My Rating: 2 of 5 Golden Dragons (who lay an egg).