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'Dragonwolf' review: 'Kill Bill' meets 'The Room'

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Dragonwolf

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"Dragonwolf" was released on DVD and Blu-ray today from Well Go USA.

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There are times when films are so bad no amount of harsh criticism, witty insults, or descriptive analyses of the excruciating chunk of willpower it took to finish such an appalling piece of cinematic garbage is ever enough; "Dragonwolf" is one of those films. It's the type of "action" film that leaves you scrambling for your sanity once it's finished. Watching "Dragonwolf" is like forcing yourself to stare at hot garbage as it melts, decays, and cooks in the blistering sun.

Kazu Patrick Tang is Mozart; a man who should have died but is on one last "Hail Mary" mission before he croaks. Mozart's appearance is laughable. He looks like an Asian version of Haley Joel Osment after he mugged a homeless man for the dirty hair extensions that reminded him of his better days and a purple suit that had to be on the same rack Harry and Lloyd found their orange and blue suits in "Dumb and Dumber."

Mozart and his best friend Julius (Johan Kirsten)are hitmen that work for a criminal organization that seems to be behind just about everything relating to the law, politics, shoddy drug dealers, or whatever else is random and vague enough to get the point across that they're basically the bouncers behind everyone and everything walking the streets. Mozart and Julius work for a man named Brutus (David Winters) who is paranoid that Mozart and Julius are getting too big for their law breaking britches, so he threatens them with impalement.

Childhood friends are then torn apart over the love of the same woman. Julius begins dating a woman named Mary (Macha Polivka) who Mozart confesses his admiration for. Julius and Mozart go to war because of it without thinking of the consequences.

Mary is just the worst female character you could possibly think of in a movie. Other than banging childhood friends without remorse, Mary has a dragon tattoo on her back. She has no characteristics otherwise other than the noticeable hair on her upper lip. Speaking of females, "Dragonwolf" throws bare chested women at you like rice at a wedding. You see six pairs of breasts in the first fifteen minutes alone. It's as if the film resorted to nudity when it couldn't come up with anything remotely logical to put in the story.

"Dragonwolf" tries so hard to tell its story in a nonlinear fashion similar to that of Quentin Tarantino. Unfortunately for the Raimund Huber directed film, it crashes under its own poor storytelling. The "wolf" portion of the title is explained in the most shortsighted way imaginable. It's one of those things that somebody thought sounded cool, but makes no sense whatsoever. Then there's "dragon" which is uttered once in the entire film. It's a nickname for somebody who doesn't ever use it.

This is one of those films that features foreign actors, but they're forced to speak English when they don't know it very well. This sort of thing should be inhumane. It's basically like tying paper bags to a cat's feet just to laugh at it.

And if the bad English doesn't get to you the horrible choreography will. Most of the actors throw very obvious ghost punches that never even come close to who they're fighting. Action scenes are overflowing with useless spin maneuvers and unnecessary flips. Julius even lectures Mozart at one point about women being like Nazis while sparring with real swords in a junk yard that flooded recently and apparently has tractors, tanks, and airplanes just lying about.

Line delivery is stiffer than anything you can possibly imagine. The dialogue was obviously written by someone who doesn't know proper English. Here are a few examples of the shudder-worthy dialogue:

"Everything is hunky dory. Soon things will be like peaches and moonshine."

"You'll be rosy cheeks and fighting fit in no time."

"Let's do something good for once in a while."

"She has something about her."

"You know what the doctor says; fresh veggies every day." *after seeing an attractive woman*

"Do you want some candy?" *repeated line*

Along his vengeful path, Mozart runs into three of the most stereotypical characters imaginable that all do a lousy job of representing their distinct backgrounds. One of them talks like Chris Tucker in "The Fifth Element" and repeatedly uses the term, "motherfo." The three men play rock paper scissors and flip a coin to see who will fight Mozart except none of them know how to play two of the simplest games in existence.

Mozart is left for dead and claims to have no memory and yet he keeps having flashbacks throughout the film of not only his childhood, but what Julius did to him to get him this far. Julius has a twitchy right hand man (Stephen Thomas) who is overly sleazy and one of the worst actors you've ever seen.

The homage to "Kill Bill" takes pride in leaping into the generic rip-off category. Mozart's journey is a cheap knockoff of The Bride's journey of revenge to find Bill. Julius shows up with a bunch of random guys in white masks and white gloves who have no introduction whatsoever and the only explanation of the scene is an attempt to try and mimic the awesome Crazy 88 sequence from "Kill Bill Vol. 1." Two Russian assassins, who spend more time making jokes and watching porn, attack Mozart and deliver the closest thing to a decent fight in the entire film. One of them uses the same weapon Gogo did in "Kill Bill."

Umiko (Guk Srisawat) is the woman holding a sword on the DVD/Blu-ray cover. She isn't even introduced in the film until the 90-minute mark, which is extremely bizarre since her reveal is kind of this huge revelation for Mozart even though no one (including the audience) has no idea who she is. The character is a gigantic waste.

"Dragonwolf" is this really clumsy fusion of "Kill Bill" and "The Room" with a hint of "Crank." The phonetic, absent minded English is unbearable as is the ridiculous fight choreography, spastic soundtrack, the outrageous acting which is either too much or too little with no in-between, and the absurd, impossible-to-swallow storyline. "Dragonwolf" is two miserable hours of absolute torment.

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