What looked to be a fun, action-packed summer blockbuster turns out to be a bloated, wearisome and overly gruesome film that will have you wanting to behead all those involved with bringing this atrocity to the silver screen.
Directed by Marcus Nispel (the remake of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”) from an asinine script by Thomas Dean Donnelly and Joshua Oppenheimer (both part of the writing team behind “Sahara”), and Sean Hood (“Halloween: Resurrection”), “Conan the Barbarian,” like its predecessor of the same name is based on the stories by Robert E. Howard, but whereas the original fantasy epic, which launched the career of Arnold Schwarzenegger, actually spends time setting up Conan’s mythos and emotionally connects you to his plight, this retelling abandons the mythos in favor of mindless, bloody action.
The film begins with a brief history lesson of the “Hyborian Age” narrated by Morgan Freeman, in which we learn that, an ancient and mystical mask, known as the Acheron mask, which bestows unfathomable powers upon those who are in possession of it, is destroyed and scattered throughout the land. This must have been a ploy set-up by the filmmakers to try to trick us into thinking we had a good movie on our hands. Sadly, we have the worst film of the summer and likely the year.
This is made painfully clear, when we witness the bloody birth of Conan on the battlefield, ripped out of his dying mother’s womb by his father and leader of Cimmeria, Corin (Ron Perlman), so she can see the boy and name him before she perishes.
Years later, a young Conan (Leo Howard), with a knack for brutally beheading enemies, witnesses the slaughter of his village and the murder of his father, by the ruthless warlord Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang). Zym is searching for the pieces of the Acheron mask and the pureblood of the only surviving Acheron descendant, in order to reassemble the mask and rule the world.
Conan (Jason Momoa) grows to be a muscle-bound warrior, desperately hunting for Zym to avenge his father and his people. While on this hunt, Conan encounters the beautiful Tamara (Rachel Nichols), a novice priestess and the last living descendant of the Acheron’s. Realizing, she is the missing piece to Zym’s demented plans for world domination, Conan decides to use her as bait to lure Zym.
For a movie like this to work the audience must form an emotional attachment to the characters and there should be a coherent plot. Unfortunately, Donnelly, Hood and Oppenheimer fail to accomplish any of this. Instead we are given a moronic plot filled with some of the worst dialogue you will ever hear onscreen. The dialogue mainly consists of grunts, groans and screams, as well as excruciatingly corny lines, such as, “I live, I love, I slay … I am content.”
With a script like this, it is no surprise that the film is full of awful performances. Though, Momoa (HBO’s “Game of Thrones,” “Stargate: Atlantis”) has the brute nature of his character down to a T, he brings zero emotion to his role as a vengeful barbarian. Someone should have told Momoa that emotion was a pivotal part of his character. Nichols (“G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra,” “Star Trek”), sexy as usual, is really only called upon to scream, which as you can imagine, quickly becomes extremely irritating. Lang (“Avatar”) is the most nonthreatening villain you will ever encounter onscreen. Rose McGowan (“Grindhouse,” TV’s “Charmed”) is annoying and unrecognizable as Lang’s daughter, a half-witch, who seems to be turned on by the taste and look of blood. Perlman (“Hellboy,” TV’s “Sons of Anarchy”) is criminally underused and does nothing interesting, spending most of his time yelling.
Nispel does manage to choreograph some passable action scenes, but due to the glaring inadequacies of the story, these scenes become obnoxiously monotonous.
As for the 3D, aside from the insane amounts of splattering blood, it goes largely unnoticed. Why even convert the film to 3D, if you are going to do a perfunctory job? Earth to Hollywood, this is precisely the reason audiences refuse to embrace the 3D format. You would think this is something you would know by now.
When the use of 3D is done right it often adds to the story and fills viewers with a sense of awe, making them feel as if they are right there as the action onscreen unfolds. Examples of such successes are: “Avatar,” “Kung Fu Panda 2,” “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” and “Captain America: The First Avenger.”
Accompanying the preposterously bad script and incredibly bad acting is Tyler Bates’ unimpressive score, which sounds like a generic version of his much better “300” score.
The only redeeming aspect of the film is the picturesque shot of the midday sky filled with dispersing clouds, which Nispel and cinematographer Thomas Kloss manage to capture towards the end of the film.
“Conan the Barbarian” is an utter waste of time that is sure to fill you with barbaric rage towards all those involved with making this film.
(“Conan the Barbarian” is rated R for nudity, and bloody and grisly violence. It can be seen at AMC Loews Jersey Gardens 20 and other nearby theaters.)
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