I fondly recall the day back in the mid-1970s when the powers-that-be in the NYU Film Department hung two one-sheet posters in the hallway adjacent to the elevator. Ostensibly these posters, heralding two recent movies, demonstrated to us struggling students how short a stepping stone it was from Step A (college filmmaking) to Step B (successful indy Hollywood production). In reality, the posters were free gifts to the department and were effectively used to cover the large cracks in the decades-old peeling plaster – but that's neither here nor there. The posters were for Dusan Makavejev's erotic Sweet Movie and Walon Green's 1972 Oscar-winning documentary THE HELLSTROM CHRONICLE. Sweet Movie featured a gorgeous naked twenty-something lass bathing in a tub of chocolate; THE HELLSTROM CHRONICLE displayed an extreme close-up of a far less appetizing nature...some severely pissed-off member of the insect family. I don't have to tell you which one was more popular (no surprise either when the former was unceremoniously and literally ripped off the wall several months later, undoubtedly to adorn some horny would-be Kubrick's dorm domicile). It was the age-old conflict of entomology vs. Entenmann's.
Friends knowing my penchant for the bizarre heartily recommended HELLSTROM to me, as it happily foretold the end of the world via our planet's millions of creepy crawlers. Sounded intriguing, but somehow I missed the original release and only now, via Olive Films' newly-restored DVD, can I reap the rewards of total apocalyptic bug infestation.
THE HELLSTROM CHRONICLEdeceptively lays claim to being an out-an-out documentary – but it's Hollywood from the get-go. In fact, it's very much like a feature-length version of those doomsday films faux professors like Edmund Gwenn screened for the military in classics like Them! in order to ensure their contribution of atomic devices to stop hordes of giant mutant ants (clips from Them! and George Pal's The Naked Jungle are frighteningly utilized to bang this point home).
The force behind all of this is the noted entomologist Dr. Nils Helstrom. Glib, smug and an outstanding harbinger of doom, Dr. Hellstrom reminds one of democratic strategist Steve McMahon – even down to his approvingly staring off-camera to underline his horrific predictions. Hellstrom has several key points to make regarding the mini-monsters he so obviously respects – especially concerning their ability to elude enemies via camouflage. This is most notable as Hellstrom himself is a fake; he is actually actor Lawrence Pressman; Nils Hellstrom is the George Kaplan of documentaries – he doesn't exist, but is merely the personification of a gaggle of authentic eggheads, whose presence on the screen would not be as engaging. Pressman's, whose delivery is part William Shatner/part Rod Serling, delights in being grotesque. The end of the world is coming – and it will be by the planet's first living beings: the insects. Unfortunately, it's an argument reasonably made, and, thus very scarifying. Imagine one of those Disney True-Life Adventures specifically geared toward the bad seed crowd – as if Walt would ever have contemplated terrifying young urchins into nightmarish fits...Oh, wait – that was Bambi.
Hellstrom/Pressman adamantly shows how we humans are instinctively repelled by insects. You don’t have to convince me; the myriad close-up montage highlighting these beady-eyed sneering angry-looking mofos is veritable mug book of all my former employers. But the impostor doctor takes the ewww factor one step further by placing bugs in unsuspecting people's food, down their backs – that kind of stuff. One can imagine the filmed results. Long story short: Dr. Hellstrom is a psycho.
Like all good propaganda, the theories in THE HELLSTROM CHRONICLE are astoundingly sound. Whenever we set off nuclear tests, everything in the surrounding area dies – except the insects. Every year DDT must be refined, as the bug populace becomes immune to each new deadly toxin. This is due to the stomach-turning tiny beasties' ability to adapt to virtually any situation without consequence. For someone still trying to come to terms with two Darrens on Bewitched, this is indeed a conundrum. Of course, while we are vainly attempting to devise a lethal insecticide, we are actually creating a poisonous atmosphere that will ultimately kill off the human race...which is just what those little multi-legged Rockette bastards might have been plotting all along. Hellstrom proposes an interesting analogy: were the end of the world to come – oh, let's say before the new season of Mob Wives – and only one man and one woman were left alive, it would take approximately two million years to achieve the progress we all so lovingly currently enjoy – and that includes HBO and Showtime. For bugs to procreate to this level, it would take a paltry two weeks! Two million years vs. two weeks (or, roughly the span of the Herman Cain surge). What the Hellstrom is that about?
Well folks, the answer is simple: it's all about sex. Those trillions of little buggers love shagging. And they do it mindlessly. To put it bluntly, according to Hellstrom, insects have no intellect: all they care about is rapacious pummeled snogging and eating. Jeez, throw in farting and STDs, and you've got the cast of Jersey Shore!
But it gets worse! Sex, more often than not, is a preamble to death. Once insects target a queen, they inevitably end up abusing then murdering the object of their desire. So, in addition to everything else, these diminutive SOBs apparently are also the originators Craigslist.
The picture ends on an even grimmer note: the arrival of Africa's driver ants. These millions of miniscule sadists live only to plunder and destroy any opponent by whatever disgusting means possible – and without any remorse. And this is forty years before the Super Pac!
THE HELLSTROM CHRONICLE's auteur is Walon Green, who not only produced and directed, but had a hand in the editing, writing and was even one of the superb cinematographers. To further connect this David L. Wolper documentary to Hollywood, one must examine Green's past credits; he is best-known as the writer of the Sam Peckinpah masterpiece The Wild Bunch. To a lesser extent, he also penned Robocop 2. More recently, Green has scripted and produced various installments of the Law & Order franchise.
The aforementioned macro-camerawork is extraordinary. It is here we must commend Olive Films for providing a spectacular 35mm transfer. Unlike many U.S. 1970s films that look like they were shot in someone's garage, THE HELLSTROM CHRONICLE exhibits no grain or washed-out imagery. The crystal clarity is double-take worthy; ditto the lush colors. Lalo Schifrin contributes a workmanlike score – appropriately resembling the music reminiscent of a hippie “turn-on” sequence from an Adam-12 episode.
Bottom slimy line: If unnerving sexual shenanigans are what you're looking and your local video emporium is out of Hangover entries, THE HELLSTROM CHRONICLE should fill in nicely.
HELLSTROM p.s.: I don’t know if this means anything, but…as soon as the lights went on at the conclusion of this DVD, all of my friends had an uncontrollable urge to scurry under the refrigerator…Then again they do that after every screening.
THE HELLSTROM CHRONICLE. Color. Full frame [1.33:1 – actual original aspect ratio]; Dual layer. SRP: $24.95 (OF298); also available in Blu-Ray: SRP: $29.95 (OF299). An Olive Films Release.
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