For a good while there, 2011 looked like it was going to be one of the worst years ever for film - for months we got nothing but mediocre movies punctuated with pure crap, and things were looking quite dismal. Fortunately things have turned around lately as a number of a good to great films have been released in the last few months, but still I was worried there for a hot minute.
After all, among the movies released theatrically this year and seen by myself were the five turkeys below, and while you may not see your favorite bad movies on this list, rest assured it is because I somehow managed to evade them. But I couldn't dodge these bullets:
5. The Thing (released October 14, 2011)
Holy cow what a disappointment of a film. The Thing was a prequel/remake of The Thing from 1982, which itself is a loose remake anyway, so it's not like the idea of remaking a remake was such a terrible notion. It could have been done and done well, but instead the new The Thing is a sloppy, boring mess of a movie, lacking interesting characters or unique plotting, and worst of all, relying way too heavily on low-rent CGI, and in the end it's just a bad movie with nothing going for it. A totally wasted opportunity for a good horror film, which is something 2011 sorely lacked.
Read Revew: 'The Thing' prequel can't live up to the lofty heights of the original
4. Sanctum (released February 4, 2011)
Definitive proof that 3D is not a movie saver - it can not elevate a boring story and it can not give depth to two-dimensional characters. This movie was about a team of cave divers who get caught underground when the cave floods, stranding them below ground and with little chance of survival. It should have been an intense and thrilling story, but it was just a boring slog with uninteresting characters. With the full backing of movie mega king James Cameron and access to his resources, this could have been a literal thrill ride of a movie, with amazing 3D effects enhancing the excitement. But the only thing enhanced by the 3D in Sanctum was my misery.
Read Review: 'Sanctum' is proof that 3D can not save a weak movie
3. Abduction (released September 23, 2011)
Why even bother seeing Abduction? Why did I not just skip out on it entirely? Because it's a John Singleton movie, and he has proven to be a guy who can at least make entertaining b-movies, usually about revenge and family and stuff, and here he made a movie based on a screenplay that was on the Hollywood Black List, a yearly listing of the best unproduced screenplays floating around town. So it could have very well been an entertaining and fun movie, but instead it is just a terrible piece of shit, with uninspired action, terrible plotting, and one of the worst lead performances in the history of cinema.
Read Review: 'Abduction' is a big waste of time and energy
2. Apollo 18 (released September 4, 2011)
The running theme of this short list is wasted potential, whether it be lauded screenplays, access to resources, or great source material, and Apollo 18 may be the biggest offender when it comes to wasting a great idea. Presented as found footage of a secret NASA moon landing mission that went awry due to Mooninities, this should have been a very tense and even straight up scary movie, but it's just so bad. The reveal of the moon creatures and the nature of their existence is pretty laughable, and it would have at least been entertaining and fun if the movie was loaded with static shots of absolutely nothing happening. It also doesn't help that we get the two blandest astronauts ever in the history of anything, and their fates are about interesting as, well, watching rocks move on their own.
Read Review: 'Apollo 18' wastes an intriguing premise on a bad movie
1. Season of the Witch (released January 9, 2011)
A most dubious way to start the year, Season of the Witch was dumped on us in the beginning of January and it took our collective psyche months to recover from the awfulness on display. With the right tone and approach, there's no reason why a Nic Cage - Ron Perlman Crusades-era movie about witches and demons couldn't have been ridiculous and fun and energetic and wild. It would have been a bad movie no matter what, but at least be interesting and fun to watch. This is bad in all of the worst ways, and the one thing that could have saved it in any way, a good dose of Nic Cage mega-acting, was totally non-existent. Cage moved through the film like a sleepwalker, Ron Perlman belted out his lines and got his check, and we all died a little inside, regardless of whether we all saw the movie or not.
Read Review: Who on Earth thought 'Season of the Witch' would make for a good movie?
Hear Christopher Crespo on SBK Live! every Monday night at 8:45 PM for a review of the prior weekend's box office and films.
Email Christopher Crespo at crespo11882@gmail.com.
Comments