Bachelor Roll Call:
Four hours of bad TV over two days? Check.
Twenty-two sets of perky hooters? (And at least one bad boob job?) Check.
One set of saggy goat udders? Check.
Tents, woods, ticks, Lyme disease?
Hell yeah, rose lovers!!! CHECK.
Welcome “Bach” to Part One of a two-part episode of The Bachelor!
To kick this week’s drama off, hunky host, Chris Harrison, pops into the Malibu “man”sion to tell the girls they need to go pack their bags because they’re going on a world-wide journey.
Really? World-wide? My passport is ready!
Where ever are you taking us, Cristobal?
Bangkok? Istanbul? Kuala Lumpur?
{CRICKETS}
Um, it sounded like you just said Montana.
Montana? As in Joe?!?
Yes, indeed. Montana. And just like that, the eleven remaining girls head out on their “international travels” to the far away land of Montana, USA where fresh-air, blue skies, tall trees and billy goats abound!
Oh, hey, what do you call an unemployed goat? Billy Idol.
What do you call a goat at sea? Billy Ocean.
What do you call a spastic goat? Billy the Kid.
What do you call a goat that manipulates and cries? Tierra (or, “Tear-A” in this case). source
ONE ON ONE DATE: LET LOVE SOAR
Lindsay, who appeared the first night out of the limo in a poofy wedding dress (sporting an over-served liver), earns the first one on one date. The date card reads, “Let Love Soar.” But I’m pretty sure they meant sore, right? I mean this IS The Bachelor, for crabs sake! Not only does love sore on The Bachelor, it also scabs! Ewwie.
Just then, a helicopter swoops in to carry Sean and Lindsay to a mountain top paradise, while the lyrics of Jeffrey Osborne’s “On the Wings of Love” begin to sing effortlessly through my red- wine mind:
On the wings of love
Up and above the clouds
The only way to fly
Is on the wings of love
On the wings of love
Only the two of us
Together, flying high
Flying high
Upon the wings of love
The pair travels by helicopter to take in the views of Whitefish during the daylight. Sean thinks Montana might be the most beautiful place he’s ever seen. Well, since he looked upon Selma’s twin peaks last week, anyway. We hear Sean say, “Lindsay and I have such a strong connection” and we can’t help but think that’s obviously because they both wore plaid and use the same hair products.
"You're pretty amazing, you know that?" Sean beams at Lindsay as he twists and twirls her fingers in his own {and I choke back the vomit in my mouth}. Lindsay takes it all in as she mumbles on and on about her daddy issues...
I am woman. Hear me bore.
The two kiss in front of the fireplace and the substitute teacher gets the rose. And Sean admits he wants to see if they can go deeper. We don’t doubt you want to go deeper, Sean. We don’t doubt that at all. Wink. Wink.
Next, Sean says he has another surprise for Lindsay. Sadly, it’s not video footage of Tierra leaving the show? Darn. Instead, their dates wraps up in town square with a country music serenade by Sarah Darling. Lindsay takes it as her cue to shove her tongue down Sean’s throat and publicly mount Sean in the middle of town square. Oh, I get it. MOUNT-ana!!! Well played, Montana. Well played.
GROUP DATE: GET YOUR GOAT
The grope date, Err, I mean group date, begins with Chris Harrison introducing the gaggle of gals to the day's date. The eight women are broken up into two teams of four, (that’s eight boobs per team - for both of the gentlemen still following along), to compete in a “Lumberjack Challenge.” (Emphasis on "jacked).
The games include canoe racing, hay bucking, log sawing and goat milking -- Followed by a big-ole swig of unpasteurized goat milk (and undoubtedly topped off with an outbreak of Salmonella transmitted from infected goat udders). Yikes.
Sean confesses that he’s looking for a girl who can rough it one day and wear heels the other. You know, just like the girls he’s grown accustomed to back in Dallas? Let’s be honest, the only “roughing it” Dallas girls do these days is using a "safe word" when they get a manicure. Pah-lease!
Red Team: Selma, Desiree, Robyn and Sarah
Blue Team: AshLee, Lesley, Daniella and Catherine
In the end, it’s the red team’s determination, coupled with Desiree’s unmatched ability to swallow “warm liquids” (Hehe!) that wins them an evening with Sean. Oh Boy! (Literally).
"The goat's milk was warm,” some dumb girl udders. Err, I mean utters.
Really? Tell us more about the warm milk coming straight out of the goat’s udder. It wasn’t cold or served on ice? So odd! I figured it'd come squirting out of that diseased-nipple iced and tasting just like a mojito. PHEW! So glad you could clear up the mystery.
Bachelor Notes:
Step One: Milk a goat.
Step Two: Drink unpasteurized milk.
Step Three: Consider yourself prepared for the “fantasy suite.”
At dinner, Sean calls the girls "incredible" but admits that he was bummed to send some of the girls from the blue (ball) team back to the house. So, he decides to bend the rules and sends his messenger, Chris Harrison, to retrieve his harem.
“Losing to a goat was emotional,” says a different dumb girls.
Oh honey...just you wait. Life gets SO much worse.
When the group arrives, there is an expected guest {Read Also: Trollop} in the mix. Tierra-ble has stolen a blue matching shirt and snuck her way into the bar. This can't be the first “event” she’s snuck her way into. My guess is that’s how she got that massive dent in her forehead – from fists straight to the noggin! If one ever wonders what Entitlement Mentality looks like, look no further than Trollop Tierra.
"I worry about Tierra because I know she's having a hard time with how this works," Sean tells the cameras as he justifies his feelings for the future Snapped® killer. Tierra says she has the biggest heart. What she means, of course, is she has the most out-stretched out vagina.
When Sean returns to the other eight girls after some time with Tierra, he pulls Des aside. She complains bitterly about sucking down goat's milk for nothin', but before she has time to finish her warm-animal liquid rant, AshLee interrupts and takes Sean.
This happens.
That happens.
I yawn.
I finish an entire bottle of Shiraz.
Daniella gets a rose.
TWO ON ONE DATE: LOVE IS A WILD RIDE
The next day, Jackie and Tierra pack for their two-on-one. For those of you just tuning into The Bachelor, this is the date where one girl is given a rose and the other is given a ride to the airport. Saddle up, sister!
They go horse back riding: Sean says he plans to see if Jackie can be his “best friend”; he also plans to ask Tierra "probing questions." Shoot, I sure hope he “plans” on asking questions of ALL of her personalities!
As Tierra gallops along, she continues to refer to Sean as her “husband.” You know, because that’s what nut-bag girls do. She probably has his last name tattooed on her backside already, too. Girls give girls SUCH a bad name! Sheesh.
Jackie muses that she doesn’t trust Tierra. But then Jackie screws herself by revealing her plan to tell Sean the things she knows about Tierra. “I would hate for you to fall in love with somebody who's not their true self," she begins cautiously…
Oh girl, you obviously haven't watched this stupid show for all seventeen seasons like I have! Tattling NVER gets you anywhere!
Except sent home...
...to eat bon-bons on your couch, and watch the rest of the remaining episodes along with us. So just a tip, you might want to focus more attention on locating the rest of your eyebrow, and less on trashing Tierra.
Back in front of the crackling fire, Sean addresses Jackie first, telling her that their relationship has been slow to develop, but that he understands why. (Although, I do not). He tells Tierra that the relationship had been hard with her (HARD? Oh, say no more Sean). I catch your drift with the word "hard," you naughty boy. He adds that he appreciates Tierra for being brave and opening herself up (I’m sure he meant her legs). In the interest of following his heart, he hands the rose to Tierra.
He walks Jackie out, calling her one of the sweetest girls he'd ever met. Jackie told him to be careful with his heart.
Jackie cries “gingerly” (HA!) as the car pulls away. "I don't know what he's looking for ...and maybe it's not me, but I know it's not Tierra."
Chin up, Jackie. If it’s any consolation, you’ve got great teeth. And you’re not a psychopath. But wait, before you go, you might want to talk to Tierra about getting engaged. You see, apparently Tierra can get engaged wherever and whenever she wants to get engaged. I think she knows a website and everything!!!
And then there were fireworks.
And then Tierra laughs and laughs and laughs…maniacally.
COCKTAILS AND ROSES
At the cocktail party the following night, the women are visibly upset that it's devious Tierra who got the rose from the two-on-one date. But no matter how many times Sean presses, none of them are able to come up with a solid answer for why Tierra just isn't the gal for him.
"I don't want to be naive, and I don't want to be played," he tells Chris Harrison. Too late, pumpkin. This is a reality show. "Playing" is what y'all are here to do.
Ultimately, roses go to the following:
• Lindsay
• Daniella
• Tierra the Tierrable
• Celibate Selma
• Catherine
• Lesley
• AshLee
• Sarah
• Desiree
Sent Home (to eat bon bons): Jackie and Robyn.
"What was he thinking? He sent me home over Tierra?," gasps Robyn as her car pulls away from the lodge, echoing the thoughts of thousands of Americans watching at home. Drunk.
"He probably thinks I'm starting drama, but I didn't do anything… if Sean ends up with Tierra, he better think twice about it." Don’t worry Robin, the herpes he’s going to catch from her will ensure he thinks about this decision more than twice.
Don’t forget to tune in tonight as the drama continues with Part Two of this drama-filled episode of The Bachelor.
Oh, and one last thing before you go, I’ve been nominated for The Statesman Social Media Award. I’d be honored if you’d let them know why you also think I should win by clicking on the link, selecting “@SmithWit” from the dropdown of nominees --and be sure to incude a comment for the judges: VOTE NOW.
That’s all for now, rose lovers! Meet you back here tonight!
Disclaimer: The thoughts reflected herein are for comedic purposes only and are NOT intended to harm or slander any individual or group of people. We're all just here to laugh because you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers through humor. So please, feel free to giggle. And pass it on...
Follow Debbie on Twitter
Follow Debbie's Blog
If you have a dating and/or relationship question for Debbie, and want it to be addressed in a "Debbie Does Dating" column, please E-mail her at debsmith1003@yahoo.com with your dating dilemma.
Comments