I know, I know. Seems impossible to think anything ground-breaking could actually take place on the set of The Bachelor. But trust me, last night’s episode went DOWN with a Bang! Literally.
Well, at the very least there was a Clink, Clank, Bang, boom...
Here’s what perspired. Err, I mean transpired last night:
As most Monday’s do for every one of us, the show kicks off sweaty and bare-chested. Of course, Sean is half-naked because he’s pumping iron. Whereas we’re all half-naked simply because we want to empathize with this season's cast of scantily clad trollops.
DATE #1: RECORD SETTING LOWE-MANCE
The date card reads, “Lesley M., how long will this love last?” Well, Steve Sanders, that’s a great question! I guess it’s all going to depend on whether or not you’re going to take this little honey over to the Peach Pit at the end of the evening? HA! Uncanny resemblance if you ask me!
Sean and Lesley head over to the Guinness World Record museum in Hollywood in an effort to break the record for the “Longest On-Screen kiss.” I’d like to point out, “for the record,” that this is the lamest date on record. Ugh! But I digress.
The current record for longest on-screen kiss is 3 minutes and 15 seconds of unending slobber and onion-ring infused kissing. YUMMERS! In related news, Lesley’s favorite Bible verse is Sean 3:16 (Thanks @NotthatAdamWest for that gem).
Y’all, I don’t care how hot the man is, the only Guinness I’m EVER going to be interested in competing for better be a pint of frothy goodness!!! Am I right? Yes, of course I am.
Sean is particularly interested in setting a world record because his father is recorded in the “Big Book Nobody Cares Anything About,” for driving across the 48 contiguous states in the shortest amount of time. Aww, Papa Lowe, that’s real cute!
Hey, hey, I once held my right hand in a deep-fryer of oil set at 375 degrees for four seconds! Do I get anything? (Well, besides those two months of workman’s comp, skin burned down to the bone and a hot dog on a stick?) Nah? Okay, moving on…
Later, Sean toasts to Lesley atop the roof of the Roosevelt Hotel saying, "Here's to the only girl I want to set records with." “How totes adorbes!!!” replies the staff over at Hallmark, as we all barf in our pints of Guinness.
Lesley tells Sean, "You make me nervous. You do something to me that doesn't happen very often.” As my friend @Kimpulses says, that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone is just your common sense leaving your body. She’s right about that! Well, either that, or a cold sore is setting in. Eeks!
"I've really been blown away," says Sean. "I couldn't have asked for a better day." He gives her a rose. "It is not every day you find someone so sexy, so smart, so funny," he says. Oddly, those are the very same words I recite in my mirror each morning.
DATE #2: THE DIRTY DOZEN
A dozen women are picked for a group date to the beach. Kacie, Robyn, Leslie H., Kristy, Catherine, Desiree, Taryn, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniella, Jackie and Tierra all start the day romping with Sean in the sand and the surf. Hmm, oddly, the one-armed girl is NOT invited on this date. Go figure.
The girls are divided into two groups, that’s 6 on each team (in case you’re not good at math). The losing team will be ordered to leave the beach immediately and head back to the mansion without time with Sean. What a “Lowe blow!” Ha. (I’ll be here all season!)
It's a close game, with all the girls vowing to win because they "need" more time with Sean. In the end, Desiree, Kacie B., Robyn, Amanda, Jackie and Lindsay claim victory.
And then, Kristy sobs. And not only does she sob, she UGLY sobs! Hell, I’d be crying too if I hadn’t eaten anything since 1984. Dang girl, grab a cheeseburger on the drive back to the castle, will ya? Sheesh. Sobbing over the loss of a fake volley ball game is almost as embarrassing as having to tell someone you are a bridal stylist.
The winners have a cocktail party and each of the girls tries to “steal” time with Sean. So much so, that we’re all getting dizzy watching him get pulled from one direction to the other.
During her time with him, Amanda tells Sean that she fits the bill for what he's looking for in a woman. She adds, "If we were to get married, I'd bring such a light, airy, fun atmosphere." Describing herself more like a cheese puff than a person.
Just then, Kacie “I put the B in Baton” pulls Sean away from the others to tell him that Desiree and Amanda are at odds with one another. Now, I’m guessing it’s because BOTH of these girls happen to live in Newport Beach (despite what ABC tells viewers) and probably got in a fight last week at the Quiet Woman over whether or not 10th Street is still the happening place to sunbathe. Who knows.
Regardless, Kacie tells Sean, "I've been caught between a rock and a hard spot in the house... between Desiree and Amanda." Dang, don’t we wish that were really true. In fact, by now we wish Kacie were stuck UNDER a rock!!!
Sean doesn’t respond well to her butting in and tells her she’s acting like a crazy person and gives the rose to Lip-Locked Lindsey. MUAH!
BACK AT THE MANSION
As AshLee awaited Sean’s arrival for the next one-on-one date, Tierra demonstrates that she doesn’t quite understand what it means when a woman “Throws herself at a man” and throws herself down a flight of stairs in an effort to get attention. Whoa, crazy girl! Next time you consider throwing yourself down something, let it be a cliff (I’m not being literal).
All I can say is that if your name is any reflection of you, instead of Tierra, her parents should have considered naming her Helmet after that attention-grabbing crash landing at the bottom of the stairs. Don't worry Tierra, if you do have a concussion, Ashlee can help organize your thoughts.
Tierra’s little escapade pays off, however, and she earns some time canoodling with Sean.
DATE #3: HIGHLY AMUSED
Finally, after being so rudely interrupted by Tierra’s dismount off the second floor, AshLee and Sean head to Six Flags for a private play day alone in the park. Sean says it's "selfish" to have such a fun place all to themselves, so ABC totally exploits two girls with an illness by making them come along. Now, I love Starlight Foundation. And these two adorable girls made me cry. But I think it’s in poor form to make them have to tag along on a Bachelor date when statistically these two girls are going to live DECADES longer than this relationship!!!
AshLee gets emotional and confesses to the camera, "It's a great blessing for me to be a part of these girls' lives and to be here with Sean. I'm really lucky," while Texas’ very own Eli Young Band plays for the couple. No kidding, AshLee. Slow dancing is extra special -- when you aren't the one in the group with a tracheostomy!!!
At the end of the night, the two get some alone time to chat. AshLee says she'd like to have as many children "as my husband and I decide." She also says she'd like to adopt a child. Sean agrees. AshLee tells Sean that it’s really family that holds everything together. But being the “professional organizer” that she is, what really holds everything together is the Container Store. (You can file that under “F” for FUNNY!)
COCKTAILS AND ROSES
How Sean didn’t get whiplash or dislocate a shoulder after getting pulled in every direction at the cocktail party is beyond me. I guess you can’t hurt steel. Or, “steal” in this case.
The only bachelorette who didn’t get interrupted was Sarah so Sean leads her out front where she is greeted by her dog Leo who pulls up in a limo. Classic! Moments later he’s going to send Kacie home in a minivan but the damn dog gets a limo? This show is so lame it’s funny!
He sends Kacie home before the rose ceremony gets underway, telling her “I just know in my heart that I think we’re better off as friends.” And all the voices in her head begin to cry.
Remaining relatively stoic in defeat Kacie says “I have a great life and hopefully I’ll find someone who can join me in that.” Then adds, “It’s just not Sean right now.” Wait, right now? Yikes.
The rose ceremony begins but not without me thinking that instead of handing out roses, Sean should be handing out the bottom-half of all of their dresses. “Will you, _________________, accept the bottom portion of your prom dress, and kindly cover up your vagina?” “Oh, yes. Yes, I do will, Sean.”
Taryn, the health club manager from Portland, Kristy the Cinnabon hair model, and Darien from Wisconsin are sent home sans Sean’s heart.
Tune in next week for another round of Personality Disorder Bingo on The Bachelor as the girls take to the rink for a roller derby bout and more drama, momma.
One last thing before you go, I’ve been nominated for The Statesman Social Media Award. I’d be honored if you’d let them know why you also think I should win by clicking on the link, selecting “@SmithWit” from the dropdown of nominees and providing your own comment. Vote Now
That’s all for now, rose lovers! See you again next Monday!
Disclaimer: The thoughts reflected herein are for comedic purposes only and are not intended to harm or slander any individual or group of people.
If you have a dating and/or relationship question for Debbie, please E-mail her at firstname.lastname@example.org with your dating dilemma.