Hey guys, what are you up to for the next, say, three hours of your precious, sacred life?
Sure, you could spend that time roasting a 16 pound turkey, watching most of Lord of the Rings or even conquering the LSAT. But how about we do something less productive, like donate brain cells crouched in front of our television sets watching the finale of The Bachelor? You in? Excellent!
Well, mount your elephants, boys and girls, because we’re headed to Thailand!
THE FINAL TWO
We're down to the final two, or ‘finale’ two in this case, Lindsay and Catherine. At this point, it’s anyone’s guess as to whom Sean will take as his bride (or if he will take a bride at all).
In the godforsaken three-hour show, ABC moves between a live studio audience on-set in Los Angeles and Thailand, where Sean will soon be greeted by his lady-companions and his neon-clad family, who are in town from Dallas. And it was extremely nice of Sean’s brother-in-law to take a break from his modeling gig at Abercrombie & Fitch.
Sean anxiously awaits the arrival of the loves (plural) of his life and is counting on his family to provide him insight into whom he should choose to fulfill his BIG Texas dreams.
Should it be Catherine, who played on a football team before breaking her arm and going out for cheerleading? ("A girl playing football? What's next, dogs wearing hats?!")
Or, “on a different hand” (as Sean likes to say), should it be Lindsay-Bo-Peep who is putting it all on the table? And by "putting it all on the table," I mean putting her sippy cup and rattle down long enough to try to win Sean’s heart, AND his V-neck shirt collection.
Or, on Neil Lane’s left hand, perhaps Sean should forgo this whole crazy nonsense and schedule himself another appointment for hair plugs?
Wow, tough decisions indeed, Sean. No wonder your mind is "constantly running." Just, you know, not very fast.
CATHERINE MEETS SEAN'S FAMILY
Catherine gets the “Lowe down” first – and is introduced to his family, albeit sans shoes and/or notepad. We have grown accustomed to seeing her pass notes to Sean all season. You know, because she still thinks she’s in grade school.
And while she may have left her football pads behind as well, she still manages to arrive “a ball of nerves.” She is overwhelmed by the thought that she may be joining the Lowe family -- it’s a big risk for someone who likes to remain quite guarded (you know, in shoulder pads?).
Still, she greets Family Lowe warmly (despite really being a male linebacker in disguise), and they share a nice lunch out on the veranda.
Sean’s father really takes a liking to Catherine, telling her that should Sean choose her, he will be her biggest cheerleader (which is cute since she’s a football player). But all I could think of during the scene was, “Did Sean's dad steal that hot pink V-neck t-shirt from his son's suitcase?
Sean’s dad is adorable. So much so that ABC really ought to consider a spin-off and call it, “The DADchelor.” Of all the dads that have been on this show, Sean’s dad wins. Hands down.
In Catherine’s one-on-one time with Mary Steenburgen, oh pardon me, Sean’s mom Sherry, she gets a chance to share how she really feels about Sean. Catherine admits that she’s realized that she's in love with him and all she can think about is a future with him.
She also confirms that she'd definitely accept a proposal from Sean, should one come at the end of this (horrid & awful) process. Sherry declares Catherine to be a "lovely lady" and says that they'd love to have her as part of the family.
We all know that in actuality, Sean’s mom is praying to the good Lord above that her son come to his good Christian senses, despite being handed a $10,000 diamond ring by Neil Lane, and ditch both of these trollops.
By the way, my mother would never say, "We would be glad to have you in the family" to someone she just met... And I thank her for that. But she would ask them if she could make them a sandwich to take on the road.
LINDSAY MEETS SEAN'S FAMILY
Later, a van shows up to deliver Lindsay to the Thailand compound. If you've ever been to Thailand, and even if you haven’t, you know that disgusting van was the nicest vehicle they could find.
Lindsay is a bundle of bubbly nerves, concerned she’ll make a bad impression. Sean thinks it’s unlikely that will happen and asks that she “speak from her heart.” Meaning, don’t use words so nobody has to listen to the obnoxious sound of your voice!!!
It takes mere minutes before the family is informed that Lindsay arrived in the limo the first night wearing a wedding dress. Which is interesting, since tonight we’re not convinced she’s even wearing underwear.
Sean's dad takes the opportunity to pull Lindsay away to ask her some questions. He wants to know how she knows she's in love with Sean. She answers that Sean makes her feel beautiful, loved, all the good things in life. She also stresses the importance of communication, working together and compromise, which sounds great to Papa Jay.
He confides in her that when Sean was born, he and his wife began praying every day for the woman who would one day become Sean's wife, wherever she might be, and Lindsay gets tearful at this. And so do all God-fearing Americans.
Sean then has the chance to sit down with his family to hear what they think about both girls.
His father believes that it's a win/win situation, as either would fit right in should he choose them. Sherry thinks that while they're both wonderful women, she'd rather he not propose just because ABC has cameras currently shoved in his face for him to do so. She wants it to be something he's so excited to do and is certain is the right thing.
Sherry then goes all “AshLee” on us, getting emotional because it's such a huge decision and she wants him to pick a girl that he will actually spend his life with. Add to that the fact that she’s menopausal, having hot flashes and super hormonal. Sean assures her that he has no plans to rush into any decision and won't do anything that's not right for him. She wants the experience to be a good one and says that if he can't decide, he doesn't have to pick either one of them.
SEAN'S FINAL DATE WITH LINSDAY
The next day, Sean is feeling the stress of knowing he has to make a decision, not to mention the anguish of knowing America has not watched him workout in over week! Egad!
Sean introduced Lindsay to his parents yesterday. Today, Lindsay introduces Sean to her bare midriff.
For his last date with Lindsay, Sean decides to take her rafting down the Mekong River. He can picture that a life with Lindsay would be fun, and naturally Lindsay agrees, adding that not only is Sean her potential husband, he's also her best friend.
Sean comes over to Lindsay's suite that night for some sushi and wine and Sean tells her that he's "thankful for everything" because she's been such a surprise. I'm not sure what that even means since balloons and cake would be a surprise, but I’m certain I’d only want to hear something SO incredibly “meaningful” from a man if I was drunk on tequila and marinating in a vat of whiskey.
The two kiss and Lindsay reminisces about their first kiss "ages" ago. And by “ages ago” she means about three weeks ago when this show first started production. She tells him, “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.”
And with words like that, we know she just did…
When Lindsay asks what he's thinking, he responds that he's glad he's there. She thinks that they kiss so much because that's how Sean can express how he feels about her. Dear God, someone please help this little lamb. Besides, when I was twenty-four, my only dream was to get home from a bar with both shoes and my credit card.
They then go outside to write wishes on lanterns ("love", "happiness" and "family" are their choice words) and set them off into the sky. Finding the discarded, half-burned paper lanterns of white tourists is just one of the perks of living in Thailand.
Watching her wishes float away is a foreshadowing of Lindsay watching her wishes float away.
Lindsay tells Sean she loves him. Sean tells Lindsay, “I know.” OUCH.
SEAN'S FINAL DATE WITH CATHERINE
Sean greets Catherine in an open field where elephants roam, and purple is the only shirt color you’re allowed to wear. Apparently.
In these lands, the elephants are so large that Sean undoubtedly has elephant trunk envy.
They both don a pair of elephant pants and mount the animal's back’s to traipse through the lands. Hell, if you can’t ride Sean, you might as well ride an elephant, Catherine!
Oh look, Tierra's sparkle just rode by on a Tahitian elephant!
The love birds are dropped off at the same tree house he was in previously with Lindsay and Sean does a great job marveling at the breathtaking view as if he had didn’t see it less than 24 hours ago.
Catherine admits that she's falling for Sean and she can't wait for a future of planning engagement parties. A random thought that Martha Stewart no doubt loved hearing.
At dinner, she tries to tell him how she feels, but she's reluctant to share her true emotions. Finally, he pulls her in close and we hear a fake heartbeat in a non-existent microphone as she chokes out a muffled "I love you" in the general vicinity of his jugular. Sean thanks her for "the great day" and heads off to his car. Catherine has a meltdown in her bed.S
Seriously, stop crying Catherine. You got to ride an elephant!
Besides, ladybug, according to Chris Harrison, there’s a “big announcement” coming up. I bet it’s cake!
What else could the big announcement be? “This just in: ABC has just discovered that Sean had sex!”
THE SILVER WINNER
Lindsay arrives for the slaughter, Err, I mean the ceremony, wearing a silver gown (the color of second place, no less).
Harrison escorts the little lamb to the “proposal pedestal” where Sean stands at the helm ready to deliver her a “You’re Great!” speech. He's only a few words into its delivery and he starts to cry. Surprisingly, Lindsay hasn’t started crying yet, despite having to walk a million miles on gravel to cross a bamboo bridge in 6-inch heels!
Sean tells Lindsay that his heart is leading him elsewhere and that after praying for clarity, he has to say goodbye to her and let her go - Catherine is the one for him, but he knows how incredible she is. For the first time, Sean tells Lindsay that he “loves her,” which is why this decision is so difficult.
It’s clear she doesn’t want to hear his bull crap. She need only remind him that she’s a General’s daughter and that he best watch his back. Instead, she takes her shoes off (as if to say, screw you!) and walks to her awaiting sleigh of rejection.
As Lindsay drives off, she continues to say that she's "really, really sad" and that she's disappointed that she fell for it. However, she was in love with him and wants someone to grow old with and have a family with. Girl, you're 24. Chances are, it can still happen for you.
Meanwhile, Sean should enjoy what little time he has left on this earth before Seal Team Six kills him, Zero Dark Thirty-style.
THE GOLD WINNER
It turns out that Catherine was the culprit behind the letter that got more air time than Neil Lane this week. It's basically a love letter that is read in voiceover between Catherine and Sean as she makes her way in the “champion” gold version of Lindsay's tin foil dress.
Sean tells her that he never wants to say goodbye to her again and wants to spend the rest of his life telling her he loves her and making her feel like she's the most special, beautiful woman in the world.
She's visibly relieved and almost looks like she's going to vomit, or pass out, or both. But she holds it together long enough to see the giant ice rink he's picked out for her left finger. It’s the very wedding ring AshLee requested a few episodes back. Classic!
Catherine accepts his marriage proposal, and AshLee’s ring, and they embrace as he tells her that he loves her so much.
Sean presents Catherine with the final rose and he tells her how much he loved her letter. She's grateful to have met someone like Sean and proclaims how she's never been so comfortable with someone in her life. He then suggests they get out of there, and an elephant shows up for them to ride off on. Aw, what a happy ending... at least for the next few months. At the very least, Catherine will bring positive attention to veganism in the meantime.
AFTER THE FINAL ROSE
During "After the Final Rose," Harrison insists that some life-changing news has just been confirmed in the last 24 hours, from the Bachelor himself. After roughly 45 minutes of teasing, we learn that Sean and Catherine will be getting married on ABC. There has been no confirmation of florescent bow ties and cummerbunds for the wedding party.
Additionally, ABC announces that castoff Desiree has been chosen as the next Bachelorette. This is going to be great! It means we get to see the Katie Holmes' look-a-like crazy brother again.
And that, my friends, concludes the seventeenth season on The Bachelor. See you back here for some Summer Lovin’ when Desiree returns as The Bachelorette.
And should you miss seeing Sean every week on The Bachelor, fear no more. It was announced this morning that he will be competing on Dancing With The Stars.
And before anyone else asks, no, I will not be recapping it.
See you this summer, my little rose "buds!"
Disclaimer: The thoughts reflected herein are for comedic purposes only and are NOT intended to harm or slander any individual or group of people. We're all just here to laugh because you can soften some of the worst blows that life can deliver through humor. So please, feel free to giggle. And pass the giggles on...
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