What did one eyebrow say to the other?
Between you and me, girl, something smells...
TIERRABLE!
HA! That’s right rose lovers, (As in Tierra’s “right” eyebrow in this case), it’s time to stop and smell the...sparkle?!?
Here’s how episode seven all went down (and straight across) last night on Meltdown Monday:
The six remaining bachelorettes join Bachelor Sean Lowe aboard a seaplane bound for St. Croix. And how entertainingly ironic that these six girls are all fighting for the attention of the same self-proclaimed “secondary virgin” on the U.S. Virgin Island, right?
From Here to Maternity:
The first date card arrives for AshLee and reads, “From Here to Eternity.” Twenty-four year old Tierra is noticeably agitated that AshLee gets the first date and NOT HER! {Cue the wambulance!}. Tierra thinks AshLee is totally lame because she's, like, 32 years OLD which, as we know, is close to death, and still single!?! Oh, the dreaded horror!
Tierra says that by thirty-two, she will have a husband and a family and won’t be sitting around with 20-year olds gossiping. Besides, men absolutely love Tierra and she can be engaged to whomever and whenever she damn well chooses!
Obviously, Sean deserves someone “stable” like Tierra -- Someone who won’t be collecting Social Security on their honeymoon, or getting a senior discount at Red Lobster! So, Tierra, Sean deserves someone who sleeps on cots and cries in corners?; Someone who throws herself down flights of stairs for attention?; Someone who hates people and being civil; Someone who sabotages others and puts the “man” in manipulate? Right!!! {eyebrow}
AshLee and Sean’s date begins and it only takes one short doggy-paddle and a catamaran ride before AshLee reveals to Sean that she was a juvenile when she made a horrific decision. GASP! Say it ain’t so!
AshLee tells Sean that she has a dark secret from her past. Ten minutes, and about eighteen eye-crosses later, she finally tells of her horrific adolescent upbringing. With her exaggerated “pregnant” pauses, we’re expecting her to confess she gave birth to a unicorn or that she has an addiction to eating paper mache elephant heads.
Sheesh! What is it, AshLee? What is this terrible secret you’ve been carrying all these years? “I was married when I was 17 and divorced by 18,” she finally confides. What? That’s it? You mean you don’t have a child tied to your parent’s basement or a terminal illness? Phew.
Sean finds the childhood tale notable and sees new strength in Ass Lee, Err, I mean AshLee, not to mention her tight bum in a bikini. By night’s end, AshLee is shouting to the top of lungs, “I LOVE SEAN!” as the two kiss from here to eternity under the St. Croix moon...
Shop ‘Til You Drop:
The Tierrarist, also known as the Uni-Brower, gets the one-on-one date with Sean. She was really looking forward to boats and a bikini and beach. What she gets instead is hot, gross and thirsty. Tierra obviously hates people, and anything marginally pleasant, including St. Croix, yet she adores Sean so she can’t get wait to get him alone (in a corner with just her and her other personalties).
They take to the streets for shopping and Sean seems to purchase one of everything the street vendors are pedaling for Tierra. So tragic that they didn’t have a kiosk for an eyebrow shaper, right? Drats.
Instead, Sean buys Tierra an eternity bracelet. So cute how it matches the "Open Heart" tattoo she has inked on her wedding finger. Jane Seymour must be so proud! I, on the other hand, would rather have open-heart surgery. Let’s flash forward two months: That eternity bracelet is now probably swollen and green around her wretched, wicked wrist.
Next up there’s a weird Mardi Gras-style parade along the sweaty streets of St. Croix. She pretends she’s having fun for the sake of “winning the game.” The two cool down with snow cones when Sean asks Tierra about how things are going with the other girls in the house. “They are jealous of me,” she says. And soon, she deduces that AshLee has thrown her under the cot. Now she, and her eyebrow, is angry. Regardless, she tells Sean she loves him and then licks his tonsils with her tongue.
Shake it Like a Polaroid Picture:
It’s time for the group date with Catherine, Desiree and Lindsay. Sean wakes up the three ladies at precisely 4:42 a.m. and begins snapping Polaroid pictures of what they look like without makeup. The girls look surprisingly great sans face paint and each seems to embrace the spontaneity of the moment quite well. Then, the girls are given five minutes to get ready and leave the house. Catherine is “Lowe”-maintenance and only needs to pee. You "go" girl! (But no need to tell us!)
They all climb in a Jeep and road trip it to the other side of the island in time to watch the sun rise, making them the first people in the states to see the sun rise. Let’s be clear, ABC, St. Croix is an unincorporated territory of the U.S., but to say that it’s a state like saying that Tierra is stable. But, they see the sun rise nonetheless. The four raise a toast with a glass of orange juice, and I’m appalled that they’re up at the butt-crack of dawn without so much as a flask of whiskey. Egads!
The road trip continues as three girls and a wax figurine make their way across the island, visiting an old sugar mill, a treehouse and a random donkey in order to watch the sun set in the west.
Sean makes out with Lindsay, assures Des that he wants to meet her family and consoles Catherine as she calmly tells her suitor that due to his suicidal tendencies, Sean will not be meeting her father. In the end, the date rose goes to the owner of the wedding dress, Lindsay, because her feelings for him have never wavered.
Fruit & Avocad-NO!:
Lesley lands the last one-on-one date to an island plantation. The two spend the day in a secret garden, filling baskets with hand-picked fruits and avocado. What they don’t spend the day doing, however, is giving each other eye contact. It seems that Lesley has her guard up and cannot muster enough courage to tell Sean that she’s falling for him. This time around, Lesley is going to break a Guinness record for the longest time a girl can go while on a date without giving a man eye contact. Dang. Look at him when he’s looking at you!
Despite the fact that Lesley talks and talks, she does so without ever saying what Sean really needs to hear. Very little transpires on the date and Lesley fails to utter the words her heart so desperately wanted to speak. Sad.
Brow Control:
Sean’s sister Shay arrives from Texas to get frequent flyer miles AND help him decide which two ladies should go home in the next rose ceremony. Shay is worried Sean will pick a girl who isn't as committed to a relationship as he is. She doesn't want him to end up with "that one." Meaning, “that one” that everybody else in the house hates.
Speaking of the one everyone hates, while Sean is talking to Shay, AshLee and Tierra are inside the house getting in a cat fight. AshLee reminds Tierra that even her parents said that she didn't do well with other girls. That is not what they said, Tierra responds. They said:
“Tierra you have a sparkle!
Don't let those girls take your sparkle away!
I can't control my eyebrow!
I can't control what's on my face 24/7!"
WHOA! Tierra, her brow AND her spark has officially jumped the crazy shark.
Have no fear, the fun doesn’t end there. Just then, Sean tells Shay he's going to grab Tierra so she can meet her and judge for herself. Oh, goody! Although the verbal bashing has stopped before Sean arrives at the door, Tierra’s sobbing continues as he finds her sobbing on her rollaway bed.
"This is just so hard for me, Sean! You know that! I'm so sensitive and I have such a big heart! But I'm so scared!" She says as she sobs phantom “tierras.” "I'm gonna be honest with you, because I always am! Our date has been heavy on my heart." She feels someone sabotaged their connection. It's AshLee. "She's out to get me! Everything I do, she's made it an issue! I hate being like this with you! It's just so hard!"
Poor Tierra. She's so scared! And she hates confrontation and she hates getting emotional, but she gets emotional because she cares all the way down to her sparkle!
She sobs air, wiping under her eyes for show, as she drones on about how unfair this entire process is. Sean looks her in the eye and tells her that it's probably best that she goes home because this particular journey to find love just isn't a good fit for her emotions (or her brows). She's escorted to a waiting minivan.
As she climbs in the ride of rejection, Sean tells her he thinks the world of her, and she snarls, "Obviously not enough" before she gets in the van. "I can't believe he did this to me!" she sobs. "I hope the girls got what they wanted!"
Yes, yes they did. And so did America and all of its unincorporated Tierra-tories. YIPPEE!!!
"I'm strong, I'll get through it," Tierra says. "Nobody will take my sparkle away!"
And with that, America barfs a sparkly pony.
Shay assures Sean he made the right decision. I like Shay. She's sane. She’s a Texan and, more importantly, her earrings are adorable. As for Tierra, have no fear, she’s so fake Manti Te'o has already asked her out.
This Bud's for You:
The remaining five girls gather for the cocktail party, somewhat worried that Sean will walk in with Tierra. But when Sean does arrive, he does so alone and lets the girls know that Tierra was sent home earlier because he’s not looking for drama in a partner.
Sean knows what he needs to do tonight, so there won't be any need for a cocktail party. He'll see the girls at the rose ceremony.
The first rose goes to… Desiree.
The second rose goes to… Catherine.
The last rose goes to… AshLee.
Nobody is surprised that Lesley M. didn’t receive a rose since she couldn’t find the courage to tell him how she really felt. What is surprising, however, is that Catherine seems to unravel a bit that Lesley has to go home. Peculiar.
Next week, it’s time for home-town dates with confrontation, fist-fights and drama. Can’t wait!
Just one last thing before you go, I’ve been nominated for The Statesman Social Media Award. I’d be honored if you’d let them know why you also think I should win by clicking on the link, selecting “@SmithWit” from the dropdown of nominees --and be sure to incude a comment for the judges: VOTE NOW.
That’s all for now, rose lovers! Meet you back here next Monday night!
Disclaimer: The thoughts reflected herein are for comedic purposes only and are NOT intended to harm or slander any individual or group of people. We're all just here to laugh because you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers through humor. So please, feel free to giggle. And pass it on...
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If you have a dating and/or relationship question for Debbie, and want it to be addressed in a "Debbie Does Dating" column, please E-mail her at debsmith1003@yahoo.com with your dating dilemma.
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