Are you ready, rose lovers?!?
It’s time for the Hometown Dates with the four remaining women. And no matter how nervous Sean Lowe must be to meet the girl’s parents, his heart rate will never be higher than Tierra’s eyebrow nor his feet colder than her heart. BAM!
Here’s what happened last night when Sean went to the home towns of the remaining four ladies:
AshLee: HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM
As the “Professional Organizer,” I was really expecting Sean’s hometown date with AshLee to take place in a Container Store. Sadly, it took place instead in an unkempt Texas field. AshLee confesses that she’s been “dreaming of this day since she was four years old.” Wait, THIS day?! This one right here? -- Meaning you’ve been dreaming about eating lunch in a Houston field of overgrown weeds and broken dreams since you were a kid? Well, AshLee, Err, I mean actually, you probably have.
Side note: This show has been airing since 2003. You know what that means? That means that the girls who audition for this show have been watching women fight for roses and “love” on television most of their lives. This is NORMAL for them! Gasp. Sigh. Yack.
Please let that sink in while I pour myself another keg of beer and swim around in a pool of misery for our society…
Okay, where were we…
Sean is introduced to AshLee’s parents, Deborah and Mike Ditka. HA! I honestly can’t discern if her father is a man or a Chia Pet® with that head of hair piece he’s wearing. Egad! Should they water it or feed it lunch?
I do know, however, that once they did sit down to eat, their picnic represented so many Texans, yet so little queso. ¡Que horrible!
I got past that quickly though when AshLee’s dad begins describing the moment he first met little AshLee when she was a girl. He fell in love with her instantly and wants to be able to hand her gently off to the next man who will love her like that. It was so corny. But it was such a beautiful portrait of adoption and made most of America weep.
AshLee is overcome with emotion – and naturally can’t help but sprinkle her conversation with talk of her abandonment issues and bad decision making. Gawd forbid she let the present moment speak for her instead of constantly wallowing in her past. She tires me.
AshLee tells the camera that she thinks there’s positive pixie dust scattered all over her right now. Little does she know, that’s just left over “sparkle” from Tierra.
Catherine: SOMETHING SMELLS FISHY IN SEATTLE
The next hometown date brings Sean to Seattle to meet Catherine and her Filipino family. The date begins in the fish market throwing fish to and fro. I’m pretty sure that Catherine’s inability to catch that first fish will foreshadow her inability to reel Sean in. Or will it? Hmmm…
You’d think that with all those rings on her fingers, Catherine would be able to get one in the hole. All those rings make me think she’s Mandarin from the Iron Man comics. -- You with me?
Next up, Sean meets Catherine’s mom, sister and Lola (her grandmother), all whilst a piece of food clings to her front bangs and I wait anxiously for her real love interest, Lindsay Murphy, to show back up and save her from herself. That didn't happen.
Speaking of food, Catherine’s mom serves the clan egg rolls. Based on that alone, if I were Sean, I'd choose Catherine!!!
But while Sean gets egg rolls from her mom, he gets eye rolls from her sisters. Yikes!
These two tarts are the original angry birds. No joke. When Sean asked if they think Catherine is ready to settle down, one of the sisters chimes in bitterly saying that Catherine goes in 100% with guys and makes things really fun and the second the fun starts to fizzle out, it’s over for her. She’s either very happy, or very focused. Or, she’s very messy and she’s a big slob.
WOW, THAT’S SUPER!!! I’m guessing these girls did not nominate Catherine for this show?
I see your red flag and raise you a banner streaming from behind an airplane. RUN, SEAN, RUN!
Forget about a bus, Catherine’s sisters just threw her under Tierra’s cot!!! HA!
But before the date is over, Catherine admits that she’s ready to give marriage a try. Ah-hem. Catherine, marriage is not like frozen yogurt. You don’t just sample the flavors and see which one you want to take home. {Although, based on the divorce rate, maybe it is???}...
Lindsay: I PLEDGE A-LINDSAY TO THE FLAG OF THE UNITED STATES OF MISSOURI
Sean’s third hometown date lands him in the Army territory of Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri to meet Lindsay’s father who is a two-star General.
Gulp!
Lindsay says she has never been this happy in her “whole entire life.” And since she’s merely a toddler judging by her voice, we know that a couple rounds of paddy cake and a bubble bath and she’ll be set for the rest of it.
Seriously, I feel like Sean should just drop her off at KinderCare and head on out to his final date with a grown woman!
But before that can happen, Lindsay insists Sean get “Army ready!” And nothing says “Army ready” like a pair of converse and breakaway windbreaker pants. Not to mention the mock turtleneck. Wasn’t aware people still wore mock turtlenecks.
Great, now that Sean is sweating profusely and wreaking of B.O., he’s all set to meet the ‘rents!!! Bravo, Lindsay. Bravo!
As the two drive the car towards the parent’s house, I can’t help but envision Lindsay still sleeps in a bunk bed dawned with a floral comforter and hundreds of Holly Hobbie dolls.
Upon arrival, Lindsay’s mom runs to the door and greets her daughter with all the enthusiasm of her having been gone for four years of college...
It’s an enthusiasm, I might add, which I do not happen to share for her choice of couch fabrics. Seriously, is that a couch or are they sitting on a plaid Boy Scout? Yikers!
At this point, it really won’t take much to convince me that Lindsay’s mom wears jeggings and still stores all her makeup in a caboodle.
As for Lindsay’s father, he gives Sean his blessing, should Sean decide to ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage. To commemorate the moment, he gives Sean some dog tags with words like “loyalty, duty, respect and personal courage” inscribed on them.
Naturally, the dog tags must come equipped with GPS and listening device. The man is a general, he is not about to let somebody F around with his daughter.
Desiree: LOST ANGELES
Sean and Desiree’s date begins with a day hike in the Hollywood Hills. It doesn’t take long to notice that Desiree is already in the yoga pants phase of their relationship.
And really no date in LA would be normal if the man weren’t wearing pink pants, right?
As they saunter up the hill, Sean calls Los Angeles a “natural environment” while all the plastic surgeons laugh and laugh and laugh until their fake boobs pop and Joan River's chin drops back down to her knees where it started.
Natural? HA!
Calling L.A. "natural" is like calling Botox "oxygen"!
Los Angeles: Where your fake boyfriend shows up for a spot on a reality show just so he can get his SAG card punched. Everything is fake in LA. Including Des’ boyfriend who shows up at Des’ house to punk Sean.
Oh, good one, guys! So funny.
Next time you might want to consider hiring an actor in LA who actually can…you know, act!!! I’ve seen better acting from Keanu Reeves and Tara Reid.
Next up, Sean meets Des’ family...
Let it be known that Des’ mom is also an actor. She’s really a Sister Wife on loan from Utah. Bwahahaha!
As for Des’ brother, he lives the thug life out of his Camaro on the streets of South Central. He’s pretty hostile towards Sean – mostly because he’s bitter he never got to be on Jersey Shore.
Her brother, Nathan, says he wants to “holla” at Sean. That’s ebonics for “speak to” but Nate-Doggy-Dog hasn’t reached that page in his Webster Dictionary just yet.
Seriously, if I were Des instead of saying “definitely” when talking to Nathan, I would say “Desinitely” every single time because there’s no chance that someone with his level of education would ever notice.
The dude puts the troll in trollop! I think he’s just excited he learned the word “reciprocation’ earlier in the day. “Prolly” has it tattooed on his arm so he doesn’t forget it. You know, like most of the contestants this season on American Idol?
And speaking of being voted off, Desiree is moments from being booted from the show. This is the worst hometown date in history because her family is horrid!
Is it too late to send that Nate kid to boarding school?!? Sheesh.
ROSE CEREMONY
The rose ceremony gets underway and Sean doesn’t know who he's going to say goodbye to. Don’t worry, Sean! That's why the producers at ABC write the girl's name on the rose stem - so you can remember who you're sending home!
First, Sean gives a stem to AshLee. She files it in her mental rolodex under “A” for abandonment.
Next, he gives a rose to Lindsay (otherwise her father would have him assassinated. Army style).
But then things begin to unravel. Sean is thorn. Err, I mean torn. He does not know whether to give the third and final rose of the night to Des or to Catherine.
Wow, if I were one of those girls, I'd opt to never let a man make me his second-round draft pick and I'd tell him to keep his stinking rose and shove it up his...
But before I can finish my thought, Sean walks off the stage.
Initially, I thought he caved in to the countless commercials airing during the show for "fish nuggets" at McDonald's (BARF!). But, no.
What can it be then?
Will Sean give the final rose to the actor who played Des’ ex? Again, no. DRATS!
Sean re-enters the “rose room” looking stoic, yet confident.
He reaches for the last stem and calls out Catherine’s name.
Which means that going home? = Desi-Cray.
As a thank you to your brother, Desiree, please “reciprocate” by buying him a thesaurus.
Have no fear, little, broken bird. Your awesome brother will be able to find you a suitable husband in no time. He no doubt has a ton of suspects, Err, I mean prospects, that he can “holla” at over in the cell block from which he came. WORD.
P.S., Sean. That must have been a very tough dress to send home.
What isn’t tough, however, is that we get to see Sean Lowe again tonight for a special edition of Sean Tells All, or “We Need Our Ratings Up” as it were.
Just one last thing before you go, I’ve been nominated for The Statesman Social Media Award. I’d be honored if you’d let them know why you also think I should win by clicking on the link, selecting “@SmithWit” from the dropdown of nominees --and ADD YOUR COMMENT as to why I should win.
That’s all for now, rose lovers! Meet you back here tonight for more rose loving!
Disclaimer: The thoughts reflected herein are for comedic purposes only and are NOT intended to harm or slander any individual or group of people. We're all just here to laugh because you can soften some of the worst blows that life can deliver through humor. So please, feel free to giggle. And pass the giggles on...
Follow Debbie on Twitter
Follow Debbie's Blog
If you have a dating and/or relationship question for Debbie, and want it to be addressed in a "Debbie Does Dating" column, please E-mail her at debsmith1003@yahoo.com with your dating dilemma.
Comments