Boxed wine? Check.
Crazy straw? Check.
Harlequin romance, chaps and a pony? Check. Check. Checkity-check!!!
All right, now that I’ve got my Bachelor Party Picnic ready, let’s “dive” on in to this garbage, shall we?
Date #1: Sean and Sarah are Falling in Nub
Speaking of diving, Sean and Sarah start the night off by going out on a limb and bungee jumping off a building. Oh, shoot, sorry. Going out on a “limb” was poor word choice since Sarah only has one arm. Let’s try that again. Man, I’m stumped. Oh boy. Stumped? HA! No, that’s just not right. Or is it left in this case? No, right. Oh man. Sheesh. Well, let’s just say they’re falling in nub, Err, I mean love. Dang it! Crap. Moving on…
Sarah is an adorable, beautiful spring chick-a-dee. And I don’t want to make a big deal about the fact that she’s missing her right arm. But it is impossible look past it when SHE. BRINGS. IT. UP. EVERY. DAMN. SECOND! “Just because I have one arm doesn’t mean we’re going to stop having fun” she says. And it’s true, you know. Well, unless Sean was planning a date involving archery, or having a threesome. In that case she’s kind of screwed.
They reach the bottom and Sean says, "we hit the ground and my hands were trembling." Really Sean? Hands? Plural? That’s real, real sensitive! Way to rub it in. Why don’t you go in for a double-fist pump bump? Sheesh.
“My ability to love isn’t based on how many hands I have,” she said. No, Sarah. Everyone knows that one’s ability to love is based solely on what you can do with your mouth! Unfortunately, you’re using yours to keep bringing up the fact that you’re missing a limb. Please stop. Seriously, Vienna only had one eye that looked straight ahead but she didn't talk about it every 2 seconds. (But we did!) Look at me when I’m talking to you! HA!
We hear some more about Sarah’s fears. Then some other stuff happens. And then Sarah gets a rose and I do a one-handed cartwheel. You know, for good measure?
Date #2: Bachelor’s Next Top Model
Sean takes a crap-ton of girls on the group date, where they find out they’ll be taking modeling pictures for a “romantic” photo shoot (That’s code for Hooters Calendar). Seriously, there are 13 tramps, Err, I mean girls, on this date. It’s not clear whether or not they’ve just selected the next Dallas Cowboy Cheer squad or if Chatsworth, CA is having “open” (wink, wink) auditions for more porn stars? Your guess is as good as wine. I mean, mine.
What they are really doing is taking pictures for the cover of a Harlequin romance novel. And all of them look dumbfounded since none of them knows how to read. But they do know how to straddle and thrust, so it’s no surprise that the photo shoot goes Sextacularly! Kristy wins the opportunity to be on the cover of three books --that will soon be in the dollar bin at your local Walmart. HO-ray!
Lesley M. is first to sneak a kiss from Sean in a scene I’ll call “Reverse Cowgirl.” It brings all the other girls’ blood to a boil. But when it is Kristy's turn, no one can look away. Granted, this girl is an Instagram model (or is it Ford?) so she knows what she’s doing (and WHOM in this case).
Unexpectedly, mostly because I have zero clue who she is, Katie lets Sean know she’s uncomfortable being there. Simultaneously, her hair chimes in and says, “And we’re not comfortable being here either!” She walks off set, stage right and hopefully to the salon for a Brazilian blowout. Eeks. Yup, she’s gone.
At the end of the evening, Hugh Heffner, oopsie, I mean Sean, gathers the gaggle of gals and hands a rose to Kacie. Naturally, Tierra responds as ANY woman would by saying, “I wanted to punch her!” I'm like, 'Seriously?' I'm doing everything I can to show him I care for him and I'm here for the right reasons...I don't get it.”
Date #3: Love is Priceless
For the next 1-on-1 date, Sean takes Desiree to an art exhibit. And because Sean is such a funny, funny, hilarious guy, he decides to play a practical joke on her. And not just any joke, y’all. We’re talking about a joke that was so dumb you know ABC is running out of material!
It turns out the exhibit isn’t real and the event is rigged so that it will look like Desiree broke a piece of art valued at $1.5 million. But it breaks. And she giggles. And I roll my eyes. And Sean and Chris watch on a closed-circuit TV back stage and force conversation.
After the big, dumb, joke, Sean has Desiree come back to his place for some home cooked food and hot tub lovin’ – because nothing says romance better than a steak and pinto beans. Dez and Sean realize they have so much in common because their parents are in the 2% of people that stay married for a million years. And they both wear pants and brush their teeth in the morning. OMG. Match made in reality heaven.
Shortly thereafter, the two are in a Jacuzzi and bathing suits where Sean gives Desiree a rose, which is odd since getting in a hot tub with someone on a first date usually just gets you a Valtrex prescription. “I already feel like he’s my boyfriend,” Desiree says -- as a red flag flies up the unstable flagpole.
Cocktails and Roses
Sean walks in with a tie so thin it was diagnosed with anorexia. And with that, and several cocktails, the evening is underway. He tries to get some time with the girls he didn't take on dates before handing out any roses, while Amanda sits in a lump in a corner with a scowl on her face (and undoubtedly atop a machete).
Meanwhile, her psychiatrist is probably watching back in SoCal in horror knowing all cues indicate she’s failed to take her meds for bipolar disorder. Again.
The girls say they can’t read Amanda. Mostly because they still can’t read. But it would be awesome if Amanda starting whispering, “MAMA” in their ears.
Robyn pulls Sean aside and drops the race card smack dab on his genitals. Let me axe you, “Do you like black girls?” Sean responds with, "'It doesn't matter.' I've dated everybody," he told her, "and when I say everybody, I mean Hispanic, Persian, my last girlfriend—black. I don't really have criteria. It's the woman and it's the mind behind the physical appearance."
Read also: It’s whomever ABC needs me to date to avoid pending litigation.
Next, some Arabic girl teaches Sean one sentence in Arabic while my Puggle spews out, “Lord, is this show uber lame!” in Cantonese. Sean learns the Arabic immediately because Sean is SO smart and SO funny and SO shirtless. She blabs to the camera about how deep their connection is while I eat a hot dog because I hate this show. In English.
The Rose Ceremony itself is tense. And by intense, I mean the floral arrangements are stunning and the girls are drunk spewing Greek Mythology.
ROSES GO TO – Ashlee L., Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Lesley M., Selma, Catherine, Kristi, Lesley H., Tierra, Taryn, Daniella, and Amanda (from Newport Bitch).
SENT PACKING – Diana and Brooke.
One things for sure, Sean likes his V-necks deep, his ties skinny and his women one dosage short of sane. So, be sure to tune in next week when Selma catches Amanda boiling a rabbit.
And make sure you enter your Email to subscribe so you don’t miss my weekly updates! Cheers, rose lovers!
Disclaimer: The thoughts reflected herein are for comedic purposes only and are not intended to harm or slander any individual or group of people.
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