Who's ready for Round 2 of Episode 5 of Season 17 of The Bachelor?
{Pours entire bottle of wine into jug. And by jug I mean mouth}.
BTW, if you need to catch up on what transpired Monday night on Part One, click HERE
Okay, with that, I’d like to welcome you back to what feels like 5th grade recess!
So, everybody who’s taking copious notes, grab your Trapper Keeper,® a lunch box (HA! I said box!) and lets meet up with the Bachelor Cast on their world-wide journey in Alberta, Canada. Eh?
Neuf femmes (that’s means nine women for our non-French speakers) remain in the battle for Sean’s shirt. Oh, I mean for his heart. After leaving Montana yesterday, they headed to Banff National Park where they meet up with Sean at picturesque Lake Louise.
DATE #1: “Let’s find our fairytale ending”
The first one-on-one date is granted to Catherine. The scene begins with Catherine standing outside in the snow. Alone. Waiting. Her silence is broken only by her own concerning words, “It's like, white, like everywhere, It's like a blizzard.” Well, no, Catherine. A blizzard would require substance fall from the sky (the sky is the big space over your head. Not in it ). What you’re surrounded by is called snow.
Sean finally appears driving a Snow Bus, acting as the evening’s Tour Guide bound for Jasper National Park where the two enjoy sledding and playing in the glacier. You know you’ve watched this show 17 seasons too many when Sean shouts, “We’re sledding,” and you hear instead, “We’re slutting!”
To continue their fairytale date, a horse-drawn carriage appears to take them to an ice castle, carved in their honor. There, Sean tells Catherine that he can't get enough of her. While cuddled together, Catherine recants a tragic story from her childhood. She was twelve years old, and walking on a narrow trail in the woods with a friend. They heard a large crackling sound. Without warning, a tree fell, killing her friend instantly.
For the next full minute, I sat aghast and fully absorbed in her sad story. Sigh.
The message?: Take every breath for what it’s worth.
AND…Catherine uses her next breath to suck face with Lowemance there in their icy nest. They kiss, and kiss, kiss and Catherine scores a (assumedly frozen) Canadian rose. Hey, speaking of Canadian, if their ice picnic is such a Canadian experience, why did I see no sign of back bacon, maple syrup or Labatt Blue? ABC, fail.
GROUP DATE: “Let’s bear our souls”
The date card arrives for the group date and it reads, “Let’s bear our souls.” Oh wait, or is that bare?” Please bear with me while I figure out if I even know English grammar.
In this case, the correct answer is bear, as the group will be taking a Polar Bear Plunge in Lake Louise. But let’s be real clear, Tierra will be participating in what is known as the “Bi-polar Bear Plunge!” (RIM SHOT!)
But first, the group takes to canoes to paddle the lake. There are 7 girls, 3 canoes, and not 1 girl in the group sharp enough to do the math. And poor one-armed Sarah is forced to paddle sans a second limb. And poor us, we have to hear AGAIN that she is missing an arm. We’re sorry about that, nubz, we really are, but please stop bringing it up or I’m gonna sock you with both of mine!
Next, Tierra, Sarah, Selma, Lesley, Daniella and AshLee are invited to participate in this “once in a lifetime opportunity.” Hmmm…a once in a lifetime opportunity to me means 90% off sale at Saks Fifth Avenue, NOT jumping a sub-zero Canadian lake. To no Iraqi’s surprise, Selma opted out of the plunge faster than you can say Eskimo. She’s from Baghdad. They specialize in sweat, and heat. And eventually, “big guns.”
“You only live once,” we hear Sean say flippantly.
“AVOID TREES,” I'm sure I hear Catherin scream from off-set.
YOLO =That's the douchebag equivalent of “carpe diem.”
Nonetheless, the group strips to their bikinis in the arctic tundra. The group, sans Baghdaddy, jump in for what seems like point-3 seconds. Everyone jumps in the water for the same length of time. But what a dramatic surprise! It is Tierra who needs medical assistance moments after getting out of the water.
“I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe…” Tierra mumbles, as she scurries around half-naked wondering why she’s cold.
And for the first time in Bachelor history, the temperature outside matches the temperature of a contestant’s heart. ICY.
The Oscar-winning actress is carried off to an awaiting SUV by the medics, where they also stamp her SAG card. Additionally, they wrap her in warm blankets and prepare her a warm cup of Crazy-tea. “I can’t feel my toes, but is my mascara running?” she whimpers, as the black goo drips down her face. {From now on, I shall call her “MascIERRA”}
And just like that, MascIERRA has taken the group date from canoes to nasal cannulas. Classic.
Sean visits her hotel suite where she’s recovering from her dramatic quest for attention to find her bundled in a silky rope and tucked into 500-thread count sheets. “Oh, bless your heart!” Sean whispers. For the record, I’ve learned from my time living here that “bless your heart” is Texan for “Oh, you sad, pathetic lump!”
Group Date Night
The ladies are invited to spend the evening partying with Sean. Sean pulls Sarah away from the group, and the two slip away into a dark corner. Sarah takes this as her opportunity to walk Sean down memory lane of all her family pictures as well as a verbal tour of how her pathetic, Err, I mean prosthetic, arm came to be.
Girl, this is your second date!!! You should not have a photo album tucked in your side pocket. Take it from me; I went on a blind date once with a fella who showed up to lunch with an entire album of a reptile collection. But that’s my sad story, for a different book, not yours. So put the pictures away. Now’s not the time. The time for that is…never.
During a conversation with Lesley, Sean lets her know he really appreciates her, the same words he’s uttered to EVERY other girl on the show thus far.
Meanwhile, I take time to tell that Lesley (in a conversation with my TV of course) that I think she’s funny after we hear her say of Tierra, “Everybody watch your back, we have a Tierrarist on our hands!” HA! Oh, wait. Shoot. Sorry, Sarah. That’d be hand (singular), in your case. “We have a Tierrarist on our hand.” That’s better….
DATE #3: “Don’t be scared to fall in love”
Desiree is the proud recipient of the next one-on-one date with Mr. Lowemance.
The two take a jaunt up a trail in Banff. Speaking of “trails in Banff," did you know that Banff is the STD capital of Canada? It’s true. Banff is to Canada as Chatsworth is to CaliPORNia. And, all this BEFORE these girls arrived? Who woulda thunk it?
Anyhow, the two have a picnic awaiting them but before they can sit down to partake, they must rappel down the mountain.
Bachelor Grammar Lesson:
To “repel” is to cause aversion or distaste.
Example: “Tierra has been repelling America all season.”
To “rappel” is to descend a vertical surface.
Example: “Sean and Des are rappelling.
Excellent job, class.
Now, moving on.
Or, down (the side of a mountain) in this case…
Flash forward to the evening’s escapades, and we find…
Sean and Des,
Sitting in a teepee,
K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
First comes tents,
Then comes an airstream,
Then comes living a redneck’s dream.
Yep, Sean and Des are “deep in the woods” when Des confesses that she grew up living in a tent. So, sitting with Sean in a teepee must have felt so natural now. She’s like, “Hey babe, I’ll bring my house over to your house and we can play Cowboys and Indians.” You game? Bring your “tomahawk,” wink-wink.
Side Note: I predict that Des and Catherine will be the final two. In a related story, I also predict I’ve been drinking.
My friend, @WashingTina, thinks it would be awesome if Catherine and Des picked each other in the most shocking bachelor finale in history.
Brilliant! Agreed. Yes please!!!
Sean knows that Des has often questioned where she stands with him. (Which is odd, since they are currently sitting?) Tonight he wants to put her questions and concerns to rest.
He gives Des a rose.
"Here I am telling you how I grew up living in a tent and now I'm falling in love in a tee pee,” Des says. And just like that, a new motto for Indian Maidens is born!
COCKTAILS AND ROSES
Back at the lodge, the ladies are sitting around giggling (mostly about how unstable the Tierra is), when Sean enters the room, asks to speak with Sarah outside. A very insecure Sarah follows behind him, out the door.
Sarah knows her disability is a detriment and the fact that she's so self-conscious about it doesn't help her. Or us! Sheesh.
Now look where this landed you, Sarah – heartbroken and ugly-teared on national TV because Sean just told you he’s not feeling it for you.
Sarah walks back in the room, still unable to locate her self-esteem, so she retrieves her bags instead and sobs as she says goodbye to all the other, confident, girls.
What did this little exchange teach us about our bachelor? Namely that Sean likes girls with 2 arms. AND at least 17 personalities, right Tierra?
ROSES
Before the roses and Xanax is distributed, Selma gets a little one-on-one time and decides to turn up the heat by doing the unthinkable -- kissing Sean on national television and shaming her parents. Tisk! Tisk, you little tart!
When she’s done slobbering on Sean’s face she says “that’s all” and turns to the camera to add, “Momma forgive me, I had to bring out the big guns tonight...
Just then, her own “big guns” (boobs) spill out of her top and fire 18 rounds of mammary gland ammunition at the viewing audience. Tuck it back in, sister!
The time finally arrives for Sean to hand out the roses. He gives a stem to Lindsay, Ashley and Tierra.
Not getting a rose, or a root job in this case, is Daniella.
Selma is also invited to return to the Iraqi dessert from which she came. Guns Up!
You’re time on national TV has ended ladies. So long.
The eight remaining girls raise their glasses to toast with Sean to a great week in Canada. And we raise a glass to ourselves to enduring two night’s in a row, and four hours, of the train-wreck that is The Bachelor. Toot, toot. Eh?
Next week, it’s off to the hot, tropical destination of St. Croix in the U.S. Virgin Islands. But we’re not fooled. We know there’s nothing “virgin” about this bunch.
Just one last thing before you go, I’ve been nominated for The Statesman Social Media Award. I’d be honored if you’d let them know why you also think I should win by clicking on the link, selecting “@SmithWit” from the dropdown of nominees --and be sure to incude a comment for the judges: VOTE NOW.
That’s all for now, rose lovers! Meet you back here next Monday night!
Disclaimer: The thoughts reflected herein are for comedic purposes only and are NOT intended to harm or slander any individual or group of people. We're all just here to laugh because you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers through humor. So please, feel free to giggle. And pass it on...
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