Welcome Black! Err, sorry, I mean black! Shoot. Sheesh, I’m sorry, the sudden need for diversification by the show’s producers is throwing me off here. I meant BACK. Yes, that’s it. Welcome Back and Happy New Year, rose lovers!
Here we are again, ladies and gents, in 2013, huddled together anxiously for what is ABC’s 17th season of The Bachelor!!! {begins to cry into her canteen of whiskey because she’s watched every damn season of this gawd-forsaken show since 2002}.
Seriously, the Bachelor is like a pregnancy -- once it starts, you’re locked in until the delivery when the final rose is shoved out of ABC's collective vagina…But in this case, we hope for complications every week, in our co-dependent sickness. But based on last night’s season opener, we’re in for the birthing of some prom-sized baby drama!
Enter Sean Lowe, the Dallas, Texas, (YAY TEXAS!) 29-year-old who originally appeared as a bachelor on Emily Maynard's season of "The Bachelorette." Sean shows up on set looking as ripped and ready (and bubble gum-glossed) as ever. For Sean, it’s a second chance at love. He’s ready to meet the 25 contestants, or 26 as it were, in an effort to find the mother of his future children. Sean wants a home of love and laughter, with a shirtless wife and kids, and he knows love is out there. Tonight, he’s hoping it’s one of the hot numbers wearing an ugly prom dress and getting sloppy drunk in “Villa De La Vina,” the 7,590 square-foot home in Agoura Hills, California that has come to be the set of The Bachelor.
And because they can, the producers start the night off with a fabricated bromance by bringing back race car driver Arie, also from Emily’s season. He’s there to give Sean dating and kissing advice and all I can think is, “Sean, do NOT take advice from Ari! He's currently dating Whoretney, for crabs sake. Eeks!!!” But once he leaves, it’s finally time to meet the taffeta beauties that left a lasting impression:
Say Yes to The Mess, Err, Dress: Lindsay, a 24-year-old substitute teacher from Montana, steps out of the limo wearing a wedding gown with a nine-foot train, veil and tequila on her breath. (Subtle. Very subtle). "I'm such a prankster,” she says. “I've got balls." To which Sean responds, "Oh, Lord I hope not." To which I laugh and I laugh and flex my abs in appreciation of Sean’s quick wit. Lindsay then demands Sean kiss the bride. And I wait to see if she’s also going to demand he take her on a honeymoon. Luckily, she doesn’t. But her big balls pay off because she gets herself a rose by night’s end, despite being hammered.
Gymnas-Tricks: Robyn, a 24-year-old engineer from Houston, admits that she is socially awkward and proves it immediately by attempting a back handspring out of the limo but nearly chips her face instead when she tumbles in defeat onto the wobblestone. Oh, girl! I broke my elbow doing one of those at college cheer tryouts. I made the front page of the school paper but not the squad. But, hell, I wasn’t wearing a rhinestoned pageant gown and heels! You’re crazy! Robyn isn’t sure if Sean gave her a rose, or if she’s starting to feel the effects of a concussion. HA!
50 Shades of Cray: Ashley P., a 28-year old from Michigan, has zero idea why she's single. But all of America is certain it has something to do with the fact that she loves cats and is obsessed with Fifty Shades of Grey. She pulls neck ties out of her cleavage and mounts the air in a pelvic dance. Upon her dismissal, she lifts up her dress and shows Sean, and America, what he’s missing but utters, “Mom, don’t be mad” as she exits stage left.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Tierra, a 24-year-old from Denver, discovers that Sean is the bachelor and said she loved that Sean is family oriented, cute and has dreamy eyes. "Hey future hubby," she said in a promo interview as she showed the cameras a photo of Sean that was saved on her phone (kinda creepy!). She shows Sean the open heart tattoo on her finger (as Jane Seymour watches and weeps and skips in Kay Jewelry delight!). She says she hopes Sean will be the guy to fill in the heart. (BARF!) Sean tells Tierra to wait a minute as he walks off camera. I’m hopeful that he’s just left to go retrieve some Texas BBQ and a Shiner Bock to endure her fantasy island. But no, he returns with the First Impression rose and says, "You just have this sweet, exciting... I don't know how to describe it... energy," When Tierra walked into the cocktail party with a rose, the other women were jealous and confused. Mostly because she wasn’t wearing a Tiara.
Container StWhore: AshLee F, is a 32-year-old Professional Organizer from Houston. Really? Who are you kidding, girl? Professional Organizer is just a fancy way of saying OCD. AsheLee’s first task (besides learning how to spell her own name) is to organize an opportunity to find Tierra and twist the knife a little bit. "So, is yours really the first impression?... I mean, you're stunning, but it's definitely not the first impression rose -- it's just the first rose." Tiny T appears horrified at this suggestion. Settle down, AshLee. Don’t get your rose petals in a bunch. We have nine more weeks, girl.
26 girls in all made an appearance:
Amanda, 26, fit model, Newport Beach, CA (Yay for my hometown!)
AshLee F., 32, personal organizer, Houston, TX
Ashley H., 25, fashion model, Denver, CO
Ashley P., 28, hair stylist, Macomb, MI
Brooke, 25, community organizer (Read also: Hooker), Pittsburgh, PA
Catherine, 26, graphic designer, Seattle, WA
Daniella, 24, commercial casting associate, San Francisco, CA
Desiree, 26, bridal stylist, Los Angeles, CA
Diana, 31, salon owner, Salt Lake City, UT
Jackie, 25, cosmetics consultant, Boynton Beach, FL
Katie, 27, yoga instructor, Charlotte, NC
Kelly, 28, cruise ship entertainer, Nashville, TN
Keriann, 29, entrepreneur, Boca Raton, FL
Kristy, 25, model, Darien, WI
Lacey, 24, graduate student, Valencia, CA
Lauren, 27, journalist, Cranston, RI
Lesley M., 25, political consultant, Washington, D.C.
Leslie H., 29, poker dealer, Los Angeles, CA
Lindsay, 24, substitute teacher, Fort Leonard Wood, MO
Paige, 25, General Manager, NY, NY
Robyn, 24, oil field account manager, Houston, TX
Sarah, 26, advertising executive, Los Angeles, CA
Selma, 29, real estate developer, San Diego, CA
Taryn, 30, heath club manager, Troutdale, OR
Tierra, 24, leasing consultant, Denver, CO
But not all made a lasting impression:
So, we say "hello, goodbye" to Lauren, KerriAnn, Lacey, Paige (sorry, honey, but telling someone "I was on Bachelor Pad 3" is akin to confessing "I have chlamydia" on your first date), Kelly the cruise ship "entertainer," Ashley H., and of course 50 Shades of Cray Cray, who admits it's a "bit of a bumski," and then hikes up her dress to display her tattooed haunch: "That Ken doll missed out on 100 percent of this Barbie ass!" And with that, dear rose lovers, we're off and running...and driving a Barbie Corvette straight off the Bachelor cliff.
Tune in next week as the drama deepens. And the cattiness cranks up! YES! It feels like home.
Disclaimer: The thoughts reflected herein are for comedic purposes only and are not intended to harm or slander any individual or group of people.
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If you have a dating and/or relationship question for Debbie, please E-mail her at debsmith1003@yahoo.com with your dating dilemma. And make sure you subscribe to this column by entering your E-mail above. Happy Loving, rose lovers!
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