We’re down to the Final Three in “TRI”land. HA! I just made myself laugh out loud. {MMLOL}.
And, no time to waste because it's Fantasy Sweat night on Bachelor. Err, I mean Fantasy Suite. Let’s jump in (the sack - wink, wink} and see what perspired, or transpired, in Thailand!
By night’s end, Sean will say goodbye to either Catherine, AshLee, or Lindsay. Boo. Sad. Sob.
Ahhh, Phuket, here we "Lowe"...
...to Si Kao, Thailand actually
THAI WON ON - LINDSAY
Sean's first date is with Lindsay, who says she will tell Sean she is in love with him...if the date goes well.
Sean and Lindsay stroll around a Thai market. Emphasis on “stroll,” as they both try to envision the other as their spouse, raising kids and living the “American dream” in Dallas.
Ahem {clears throat}, let’s be serious, there’s not an American alive whose dream actually includes living in Dallas, Texas? Right? I mean bedazzled jeans and lips the size of inner-tubes? No. Oh, well, bless your heart if someone out there should have such a dream...
As the two meander around the market, sound bites tell us that Sean is looking for a high school sweetheart, who is also his best friend. Oh, that’s super cutesies, Sean. I’m going to write that on my Trapper Keeper® and put it in my LeSportsac so I don’t forget it. Barf.
Next, they come upon a delicatessen of bugs and Sean convinces Lindsay that she should eat some. "It looks like biology class," Lindsay jokes of her food. "I just ate a bug. That's out of control!" She then eats a grasshopper to prove her devotion and it works as Sean says he's closer to falling in love.
And because you are what you eat, she then becomes a praying mantis and bites off his head!!! Ha. Okay, that last part is just wishful drinking.
But girl, you might as well eat all the bugs. Lord knows you won’t be devouring anything in the fantasy suite. But seriously, if Sean can convince you to eat bugs, there’s no telling what he’ll get you to do once you wed this self-proclaimed “secondary virgin?” HO-ray for you, little lady!!!
Later, Sean and Lindsay have a cozy dinner. "I am so crazy in love with this man," Lindsay says, before telling him that she'd be willing to move anywhere and that she "can't wait to start their life together."
She waited no time, however, to agree to spend the night with Sean in the fantasy suite. It's there that she finally says those three little words that have literally been in the back of her throat all day: I love crickets! Oh, ha! I mean, “I love you.” To which Sean says, "I love hearing you say that."
IDEA!: On your wedding day, y’all should bypass that newer trend of releasing butterflies and release crickets into the wild instead. In fact, have you ever been in a Cricket Spitting Contest? NO?! What? Well, here’s how it works:
1. Line up all your guests, (2) Give them each a live cricket, (3) Instruct them to put them in their mouth and, (4) on the count of three, they launch them. The one who launches it the furthest, wins! YAY WEDDED BLISS!
I can see it now. This is going to be so great! And SO VERY TEXAS, y’all! I should know, I’ve won a few Cricket Spitting Contests in my day.
Moving on…
In an unrelated moment, we hear Lindsay say, “Flowers are made out of petals.” Oh, boy. Flowers are in fact made out of petals, Lindsay. And ice is made out of water. And fries are made out of potatoes. And blondes are made out of dumb girls.
Lindsay admits she loves Sean.
And to that? You guessed it: CRICKETS.
CAVE DWELLING - ASHLEE
Sean and AshLee meet at the pier to go “cave dwelling,” in more than ways than one. Sean drags AshLee through the Emerald Cave to get to their private beach. The experience will, per usual, remind her that she was abandoned as an infant.
Bacon, shampoo, pens, candy - EVERYTHING has left me in my greatest time of need! I’m scared. This cave is dark. And it’s deep. {Throw in wet, AshLee, and I’m not sure we’re talking about this cave anymore?}
They enter the cave (that’s not a euphemism). As promised, it's dark and it's deep. AshLee is freaked out, Sean is freaked out, but because she’s showing insane levels of insecurity that he’s finding unattractive.
And then, they find the light at the end of the tunnel. It's so symbolic! Too bad for AshLee the light is probably just her being shoved back out their momma’s vagina only to be left once again as a baby. WHAAA! I want my mommy! (Oh, wait…)
Dang, I was hoping they’d turn the corner in the cave and end up in the Playboy Grotto.
Sean loves feeling like AshLee's protector. Yeah, we've definitely gotten that impression of Sean. They get out of the cave, all smiles. AshLee has no doubt in her mind that she loves this man.
AshLee talks more about her lack of parents than Sarah ever talked about lacking an arm. Clearly both lack self-esteem.
She knows the overnight is up for discussion. She's not morally ready to put herself out there when he's potentially “Ridin’ & Rubbin’” two other girls. (That’s how we say it here in Texas, y’all). They talk about being single at their “advanced” ages.
She's so glad she waited to get married! (Funny how she can completely forget about getting married at age 17 but won’t let us forget that she was abandoned?!?)
Sean tells AshLee that if he proposes on this show, he intends for it to go all the way. (Wink. Wink). AshLee is so in love with him! She's having such a good time! But she keeps thinking about the overnight card. She wants to do what feels right to her.
AshLee reads the card. Sean knows he's fallen in love with her, and he wants to put her at ease. The perfect ending would be staying up all night… TALKING.
Sean wants to stay up all night with AshLee. Just talking. Not listening -- because that would require hearing her voice. Seriously, cue the jaws music Academy Awards, I'm done listening to AshLee's voice!
His intentions are pure! AshLee says her only worry is that she doesn't want to come across as stepping over a boundary. They know where the other stands… so it's fine, she'll do it. They'll hold hands and behave. And keep one leg on the ground. And have a Bible study.
She's so glad he's so respectful! I'm glad, too. On previous seasons of "The Bachelor," I've felt terrible for some of these girls, who were SO clearly compromising their personal beliefs on national television -- only to get dumped.
AshLee tells Sean she’s “head over heels.” By hills she means her boobs of course. And speaking of, hurry and tuck your crazy back into your bikini, AshLee. It’s starting to show.
Before their date comes to an end, AshLee tells Sean the exact engagement ring she wants and gives him her ring size. Not so fast, AshLee. Neil Lane is the only one you can speak to about such matters.
"This man has literally healed my broken heart," AshLee gushes. "I will do everything in my power to make sure that he's happy..."
JUNK IN THE TRUNK - CATHERINE
Catherine scores the final date with Sean and the pair board a junk boat just to cruise around and explore. She’s on the boat thirty seconds before she screams "I'm the queen of the world." Flash forward an hour and her ship may be going down like the Titanic.
Though he really missed her, Sean still has questions about what Catherine wants from a relationship. "I realize I need my best friend and Catherine fits that mold perfectly, but I wonder if she can truly see herself settling down," Sean admits.
When Sean asks her if she is willing to settle down in Dallas, Catherine says, "I'm pretty expired in Seattle right now," adding that she is definitely ready for marriage. “I’m in a place to accept great love from Sean,” Catherine tells the cameras. But are you ready to accept BIG love? Because that’s the only love we have in Texas.
With doubts about Catherine's commitment issues out of the way, she and Sean go snorkeling and make out a lot.
Later, Sean and Catherine sit down for an intimate dinner, where he asks her where she sees them in five years. Her answer? Marriage, a baby and happiness. "I can see myself marrying you," Sean admits to her. "You make me happy."
Like AshLee, Catherine says she's "nervous" about the Fantasy Suite, but realizes she just wants to spend more time with him. Sean says he's attracted to her nervousness about the Fantasy Suite. "I fell in love with Sean today and I want Sean to be my husband," Catherine says.
“…but this is all so hard,” she adds. HARD? Ahem, not tonight it isn’t, America says. He’s a secondary virgin. There won’t be anything hard about your trip to the fantasy suite.
To the fantasy suite they go where Catherine calls him "beefy" and "hunky" and now I'm not sure if this is The Butcher or The Bachelor.
ROSE CEREMONY
Before the flowers are handed out, the show is interrupted by a prom for the movie, "Oz, the Great and Powerful." And just then, Tierra flies past the window on a broom!!! HA! That would have been remarkable. Or, reSPARKable in this case.
Surprisingly, Sean knows which lady he is ready to say goodbye to pretty early on. "I woke up this morning knowing who I needed to send home," he says. "I know how special she is and how much she brings to the table, so a part of me thinks that you'll be a fool to let her go." But Sean is confident in his two other relationships, so he's ready to send the one lady home, which he admits will be "tough." Notice, he didn’t use the word “hard.”
More than knowing who he is sending home, it seems Sean already knows which lady is The One. "I think I will get down on one knee," Sean tells Chris Harrison, adding that he's fallen in love with somebody.
In her recorded video message she made for him, AshLee tells Sean, "Together we are whole" yet she can't keep it in one piece. And sobs and sobs and sobs.
THE FINAL TWO
Finally the moment comes where Sean eliminates the girl he just knows he's not supposed to be with.
Sean sends AshLee home.
Yes, Sean sent AshLee home and she was "pissed," according to Lindsay. "I thought it was you from the very beginning," Sean explains, "and this was honestly the hardest decision I ever had to make. I think the world of you."
Ashlee's response? A curt "alright" before hopping in the car.
Really, for a professional organizer, AshLee just could not organize her thoughts!!
Earlier in the cave she compared a relationship to a dark alley and now is probably thinking, “See?!? I just got beat up and robbed.”
Yep, and that’s what we call like to call “organized crime," AshLee! HA
"It's hard to say goodbye to Sean because I loved him," AshLee says. "I just feel real heavy in my heart. It's the ultimate reject." That heaviness is on your chest, AshLee. You really needed nasal surgery before that boob job. You sound like you’re sucking helium.
Sean sends all three of them home: AshLee. And both of her big boobs. Interestingly, AshLee cried all season long but could not muster one tear when she gets sent home.
Tune in again next week for the reunion show of “The Women Tell All,” which is sure to be a doozy. Or, boozy in my case.
Cheers for now, lovers!
Disclaimer: The thoughts reflected herein are for comedic purposes only and are NOT intended to harm or slander any individual or group of people. We're all just here to laugh because you can soften some of the worst blows that life can deliver through humor. So please, feel free to giggle. And pass the giggles on...
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