Hello again crazed rose lovers of Austin, Texas and beyond! It’s time once again to ask some very important questions: Who will get a one-on-one date this week? How many times will Courtney bite her lip? Will Ben use a flat-iron? Is this show sponsored by the tacky fashions of Charlotte Russe?
Let’s dig into another episode of The Bachelor and find out, shall we?
This time the party-pack is in Utah where they will break hearts AND liquor laws! While Ben arrives via personal helicopter to Park City, the girls arrive on pogo sticks. (Okay, not really, but that’d be awesome).
Sure, it’s three weeks and seven hours of television into this train wreck of a season and the girls are already falling in love with Ben. But I, my friends, have fallen in love with Rachel’s bangs!!! Besides earning a point for a good head of hair, Rachel earns the first date card. A fact Kacie B. is not very happy about. “I wish it was all over and done and we were going to the grocery store right now.” -- Uh, what? Is that like make-up sex? “Babe, let’s load up a cart with cheese, chicken wings and PBR and really solidify this love of ours!”
Date #1: Let Nature Take Its Course
After a quick helicopter ride, Ben and Rachel land in a secluded area and take to a canoe to paddle around a pond in awkward silence. Forcing conversation, Ben says, “These mountains are incredible!” Just then, I wanted Rachel to jump up in the boat and say, “Look at my mountains, Ben! Oh, and whatever you do Ben, do not miss out on exploring my ‘Deer Valleys!’”
Sadly, she didn’t. Instead after more silence, some saliva exchange, and mention of her crow’s feet, the conversation ultimately gets clogged when Ben points out a beaver’s dam. HA!
“This is the first one on one date that I’m left a little confused,” says Ben. “There is something I can’t put my finger on.” Or your hands on. Or your legs around. Or your entire body on, right Ben?
Meanwhile back at the compound, a date card arrives for Jamie, Casey S. Blakely, Samantha, Kasie B., Nicki, Lindsey and Courtney -- “Let’s see if you’re a great catch.” Courtankle, I mean Courtforehead (or is that Courtlip?), clinches her sphincter-mouth and starts complaining because she doesn’t want to go on a date with these girls who are SO below her. “When I’m around Ben, I really blossom,” she giggles snidely. Translation? -- her flower blossoms! Wink, wink.
Back in a small cabin in the woods, Ben, Rachel and the three bears start eating porridge. Oh, oops. Wrong story --
Back in a yurt somewhere behind a Deer Valley chateau, Ben starts recapping their communication (or lack thereof). But Rachel interrupts for an all-important PSA that “the fire is hot!” Yep, fires usually are hot, Rachel. Fires usually are! Surprisingly, Rachel does not get burned but instead earns herself a sympathy rose.
Date #2 (Group Date): Let’s see if you’re a great catch
Ben rides up on a horse to the gaggle of gals. Lindzi tells him he looks good in a saddle. And he responds by saying he’d sure like to see her in stirrups. Ha. Meanwhile, Blakeley is mumbling that she’s a good catch. And if the money is right, she can be YOUR great catch!
The girls mount their horses. No, that’s not a euphemism.
Courtney tells the other girls to watch out for horse poo. But has yet to warn them to watch out for her own poopie-faced attitude. The “ladies” ride through the beautiful landscape until it’s time to go fly-fishing. They strap on their children’s extra small-sized waders and get down to business. Courtney says that catching a fish can’t be harder than catching a man. And she knows how to catch a man, she brags. Yes, and you must be an expert in gutting them as well, Courtney!
As luck, or rigged ABC television would have it, Courtney is the first to catch a fish (which is perfect since she already smells like tuna). She says that the other girls are being a “bump on a log” -- and I’m grateful that she takes time to clarify just where the bump is because I’m sure she’s familiar with bumps on other things -- the very least being on the horns on her head hiding under her beanie.
“Courtney is wonderful,” beams Ben. I think she’s a good length for me. And she gets it. I like mustard. Wait, what? Oh hell, Ben, I can’t keep all your lame bachelor banter.
They take turns kissing the fish, which by Utah law means they’re legally married. Yay, for a new sister-wife!!!
Sparing no expense at the fly-fishing wrap up party, Ben wears a hoodie amidst all the women dolled up in cocktail dresses. Really, Ben? I get that you want to hide those banana flaps you call bangs. But a hoodie? That’s the necessary coverings of a drug dealer, hookups, potheads and drummers! “Bang” on, bro!
And speaking of drugs, I must have been really out of it to have missed Samantha and her crazy feelings for Ben. Not to mention her crazy eyes. And the fact that I’ve never even heard her speak before?! But Ben doesn’t want to hear another word out of her, and tosses this one back into the dating sea. So long, Samantha!
And as she’s known to do, Courtney makes Samantha’s departure about her. “He’s making choices for both of us,” she swoons. And for some reason, I suddenly get the impression that Courtney would make a great character in Clue. She would totally hide the bloody knife in the ballroom. With the candlestick. The girl’s so evil she probably doesn’t even bleed. She just leaks. Botox. And by my calculations, this model is about 64% forehead, 18% lips and other parts canned tuna.
Meanwhile, Kacie's exposed left breast is thrilled to get some "real" one-on-one time with Ben. In snuggle time on the couch, Ben admits he really wanted to kiss her in the river, but he didn't want to make the other girls jealous. But he tosses Kacie’s feelings aside when he gives Courtney the group date’s rose to provide her some “reassurance.” Yeah, and I need reassurance that she’s going to stop say “Winning!” Hell, even Charlie Sheen stopped saying that lame word one second after he uttered it the first time! Shut up your lip-injected mouth, Courtney!
Date #3: Let’s pick our love song
Ginger, I mean Jennifer, gets the next one-on one-date. There’s a knock at the door. “Should I answer it?” Nah, Jennifer. Just leave him out there in the hallway. HA!
The two ignore a no trespassing sign and climb over a fence to rappel into a rusty hole. “Has it been used lately,” she asks? As I laugh wondering just whose hole they’re referring to now. Nonetheless, the two plunge into a murky abyss. Yep, this is the portion of the show when Ben explores Jen’s crater.
Once they ascend, they have dinner, enjoy a Clay Walker concert and she earns herself a rose. And speaking of things that walk the streets, Blakely is touching up Emily’s roots back at the compound. Sheesh, this girl really is VIP! Cocktails, pole dancing and root jobs? What can’t Blakeley do? And “whom” for that matter?
Cocktail Party Time
Seriously Courtney, stop saying “winning.” It’s outdated. What’s next for you, the Macarena?
During the cocktail party, Emily cries. Courtney drinks and gloats. And the folks at Wet Seal confirm that Monica is in fact wearing a bolero and flats. Apparently she thought this was Wife Swap.
In the best exchange of the night, Courtney starts laughing at Emily, who tells Courtney to stop acting like a fifth grader. Meanwhile, I hear “fifth” and naturally grab my bourbon.
“Am I drunk, or where did this Elyse girl come from?, “ I say to myself as I switch back over from the Presidential debate. Even these mean girls are nicer to each other than Mitt and Newt.
Rose Ceremony
Ben stands before them in front of a creepy indoor forest. Each leafless dead tree represents the soul of a woman who's been chopped down along his path to love. Rachel, Courtney and Jennifer have already earned themselves a rose.
Jennifer: A red haired Mandy Moore. Courtney: a brunette Chucky doll. Me: Scared.
The only person who doesn’t get a rose this week is “creampuff” Monica that tried to get inside of Blakeley’s romper that first night. She leaves and is quickly met by an entire roller derby team! HA!
Next week: Courtney’s T-zone continues to drip and they take a skinny dip! I’ll meet you all back here for a trip to Puerto Rico. Que bueno, amigos!
Follow Debbie on Twitter
Follow Debbie's Blog
If you have a dating and/or relationship question for Debbie, please E-mail her at debsmith1003@yahoo.com with your dating dilemma. And make sure you subscribe to this column by entering your E-mail above. Happy Loving!
Comments