The Value of Solitude in Relationships

                                          Solitude

Relationship transition is an ongoing condition. Solitude is an important element in maintaining one's identity and sometimes even one's sanity.

Having experienced widowhood for more than a year now, I've grown used to solitude as a way of life. But I have to confess, I've always valued my solitude, even when I was passionately in love with my twin flame.

SOLITUDE --  Loneliness is marked by a sense of isolation. Solitude, on the other hand, is a state of being alone without being lonely and can lead to self-awareness.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on July 01, 2003 - (Psychology Today)

As the middle child growing up in a family with six children, I thrived on shutting myself up in my room and being alone for selected periods of time. Having time to myself was a vital necessity for me then, as well as in the years ahead with marriage and children.

Away from the distractions and conflicts of being around other people, I found peace in reflection, creativity in stillness, and learned that I was actually complete in myself.

There are some people who require constant background noise in their lives. They have to turn the television on first thing in the morning and have it on throughout the day. If not a television, then a radio or some other type of stimulation that keeps them from feeling isolated, I suppose. I've often wondered if perhaps they are just afraid of being quiet because it might force them to look at themselves and listen to their own thoughts.

The realization I acquired after this first year following my husband's passing is that I am not alone - not ever. I don't remember feeling "lonely," even though for the first six months I was by myself in a remote rural location and sometimes went days without leaving the property or even conversing with another human being on the telephone.

The reason I never felt lonely was due to my spiritual connection with my late husband, whom I feel has never left me, and in fact has made it quite clear to me in several ways that he is always around me. I talk to Ethan all the time. I joke with him, I converse with him in the car when I'm driving, and I thank him for watching over me. I know he "does things" throughout the day that help me.

Ethan's presence has been confirmed by other people as well, and not just intuitives. Several friends told me after his passing that they witnessed "blue lights" blinking on and off and knew it was him. Two hours after his transition, he caused the blue light on my satellite TV's modem to blink on and off several times. As soon as it dawned on me that Ethan was doing it, I called out his name and the blinking stopped. It was his signal to me that he was on the Other Side and everything was all right.

When my sister came to help me pack before my move in early May, Ethan played with the kitchen lights many times while we were working. My sister told me every time I left the kitchen, the light would go out, and then come on when I returned.

I was invited to my friends' home two weekends ago for an evening of homemade pizza, red wine and hors d'oeuvres. My hosts and I were discussing Ethan and sharing stories of mutual understanding since they are soulmates as well.

As we were getting ready to sit down for our meal, Kim smiled and looked around the dining room, then said, "I really feel that Ethan is here with us."

I told her, "Yes, he's definitely here." And just at that moment their kitchen ceiling lights came on full blast!

My friends were startled, but I said to them, "That's just Ethan confirming his presence. He has this thing with lights." And we all laughed.

So how can I ever be lonely, knowing my beloved is so near? He's never more than a thought away.

The best relationships occur when there is plenty of space for individuals to grow. Too much togetherness can get on your nerves. Respect for each one's desire to have time alone is the best gift you can give another person... and yourself.

My lifestyle was interrupted about three weeks ago, when my son, my daughter-in-law and my 15-month-old grandson moved in with me,along with their two cats. They needed a place to stay temporarily as their lives are in transition right now, establishing a new community, new jobs and a needed change.

Not used to having other people in my house, I wondered how I was going to cope with the disruption. Suddenly there were baby gates everywhere for me to have to hurdle, and bookshelves had to be covered with blankets to keep my grandson from tearing everything off the shelves. Doors that I never kept closed before are now shut, which has changed the routines of my dog and cat, who up till then had free access in and out of the house through the doggy doors. My cat, Jessica, became a recluse in the garage, displaced by the two new cats.

"I can put up with this for two or three weeks," I convinced myself. But it was not easy. It is not easy to see your lifestyle upset when other people come into your space. Yet it has been a lesson for me in sharing, in tolerance, in patience, in generosity, and in learning to function despite distraction.

I still claim my solitude. All I need do is escape to my bedroom, close the door and my privacy is respected. The perks have been that I've enjoyed having a family to take care of again, to cook for, to enjoy their company, and I've had the delightful experience of spending all this time with my darling grandchild.

They are moving into their own place the end of this week. I am happy that they have found a rental and will be able to start a new life in this community. I'll still get to see them often, and I think I'll even miss them when they've left my house. It will be good to have doors to all the rooms open again, no gates to have to hop over, and I'm sure Jessica will be relieved to come and go as she pleases. I'm glad I've had this experience that reminds me just how much I enjoy my solitude.

Solitude gives you perspective on your life, on the ones with whom you interact, and it helps you regain balance when life gets complicated, so that you can maintain a congenial connection with others. Having your space in a relationship is not selfish. It's a necessary ingredient for a healthy life and is respectful toward others. Allowing solitude that someone else requires shows that you love them and understand their need as well.

The following You Tube video is by Xaves511, "On Solitude & Loneliness"

For more information on Relationship Transition, check out my spiritual autobiography, Throughout All Time, A Cosmic Love Story, on special through the end of September for only $15.00 postpaid.