Marriage Maven tells singles where to find perfect mate

Many singles are looking for the perfect partner, a soul mate who will be an ideal person who satisfies all of their needs. How rational it that?

Fairy tales with happily ever after endings, love-conquers-all type movies, and many great works of literature subliminally inflate people's expectations for a partner to a point that is far beyond reasonable and downright dangerous.

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society authors Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows got it right. A letter in this book by fictional character, Isola Pribby, dated 19th February, 1946 (sic.) appears on page 52. It is sent to Juliet, the book's protagonist, who happens to be single. Ms. Pribby writes to her about the what dreary lives the Bronte sisters, all spinsters who wrote of romantic novels, must have led. She describes Anne, Charlotte and Emily Bronte as having functioned as virtual servants to their demanding father and alcoholic brother.

Ms. Pribby's letter to Juliet states: "It is my belief that with two such men in the household and no way to meet others, Emily had to make Heathcliff up out of thin air. Men are more interesting in books than they are in real life." Heathcliff is the handsome, romantic, dashing hero in the classical novel Wuthering Heights.

Shaffer's and Barrows' thoughts echo a teaching of the Lubavitcher Rebbe. People of all faiths stood on line for hours on Sundays outside of his shul at 770 Eastern Parkway, in Brooklyn, New York, to receive advice and blessings from the Rebbe, Menachem Mendel Schneerson. Although he is no longer alive, people continue to learn from his writings, teachings, and stories passed on about the Rebbe's wisdom, one of which goes as follows: 

A single woman once asked Rabbi Schneerson where she could find a good man to marry, someone who had many wonderful qualities and virtually no faults or weaknesses. She despaired of ever finding such a person, having been searching for a long time and being disappointed over and over.

The Rebbe told the woman that yes, she could find the the kind of man she hoped to marry--In a novel!

Rabbi Manis Friedman, who spreads the Rebbe's teachings, has interesting advice for singles: "Don't marry someone who thinks you're wonderful; marry someone who thinks marriage is wonderful." Rabbi Friedman says about the former type of potential marriage partner: "What will happen after she (or he) stops being wonderful," meaning when a flaw gets noticed. 

No one is perfect. Know what qualities are essential in a mate and which shortcomings are tolerable. No, it is not necessary to marry someone with unbearable qualities. Do discriminate in choosing a life partner; this is a big decision. Do make sure that a potential partner-for-life thinks that marriage is wonderful. Such a person will value marriage enough to put energy into making the relationship a good one every day, especially at times when a fault of a partner seems to overshadow the person's virtues.

So enjoy the movies and the novels. But make a distinction between how relationships and people are portrayed in many of them and what happens in real life. Expecting perfection in a partner is a recipe for disaster. No matter how wonderful a potential partner appears to be at first, everyone has room to grow. Choose someone with the qualities you value most. Each partner benefits from recognizing that every virtue has a flip side that will appear form time to time. Partners grow personally when they learn to appreciate each other as whole people with strengths they admire and imperfections to be accepted as part of the package.

When both partners are willing to do this, then indeed, marriage is wonderful.