Too many singles are putting too much effort into looking for the right person. The truth is that they are more likely to succeed in marriage by focusing on becoming the right person by becoming happy while single. A happy person attracts other happy people, emotionally healthy ones who are good prospects for a great marriage.
Avoid the White Knight Syndrome
People who forget to take care of themselves and their own happiness feel unworthy. They come across to others as needy and are prone fall into the sort of unsatisfactory relationships that clinical psychologists Mary Lamia and Marilyn Krieger call The White Knight Syndrome, which is also the title of their book that explores the dynamics involved.
Say goodbye to White Knight Syndrome by focusing on self-care
Marriage-seeking singles are likely to find the right person by becoming the best person they can be. Regardless of whether or not you are dating anyone currently, keep yourself happy by focusing on these four area of self-care: Biological/Physical, Social, Psychological, and Spiritual.
Taking care of yourself will result in your feeing good about yourself. Your light will shine forth and attract other emotionally healthy people. Your new glow will also shield you from the unbalanced too-needy types, who are attracted to each other.
At the Summit for Clinical Excellence conference for psychotherapists in San Francisco in May, 2003, Roland F. Williams, M.A., introduced a self-care grid with four quadrants, each of which has a heading that corresponds with one of the areas of self care noted above. His presentation included examples of self-care that belong in each area, as is illustrated below:
Biological/physical self-care
- getting sufficient exercise
- eating healthily
- avoiding toxic substances
- getting enough rest
- getting good medical care
- financial wellness
Don't wait like Cinderella (or cinder-fella) to be rescued by a prince, princess, or white knight. Think about what you have to offer from a potential mate's point of view. If you are lacking in one of the above areas, do what it takes to close the gap in the above categories and in those below.
Social self-care
- Friendship (people who lift you up or hold you back)
- Love and love back--need someone to hold you and say you're okay
- Intimacy--relate as your true self
- Commitment
- Support - express appreciation often to all in your social orbit
- Fun
- Alone--okay with yourself
If you are single, commitment, as in marriage, is currently absent. But you are on your way to achieving by first becoming the best you can be on your own. While you are becoming the right person, make sure to get out to places where you can enjoy socializing with singles of the opposite sex.
Go to events you are likely to enjoy regardless of whether you meet someone special. Many events are based on interests, such as hiking clubs, book discussion groups, ski clubs, religious organizations, etc. Plan to enjoy yourself at the activity rather than focusing on meeting "the one," which creates too much pressure.
Psychological self-care
- Stress - keep it from getting out of hand
- Be able to experience the full range of emotions
- Have a sense of purpose
- Positive thinking
- Core Issue - Attend to whatever is getting in your way of healthy relating to yourself and others.
A core issue is a self-defeating pattern or behaviors that continue to sabotage your life. You, like everyone else, need someone to give you feedback on your "stuff." A good friend can sometime be very helpful. For longstanding issues, a competent therapist is a better solution because of the skills and and objectivity an experienced professional can provide. A common self-defeating pattern acted out by many long-term singles is to reject anyone seeking a serious relationship because of unresolved fears and/or conflicts about marrying.
Spiritual
- Being true to your religion
- Integrity
- Continuing to learn and grow in knowledge and practice
Now Score Yourself
Review the four main categories. Score yourself for each dimension listed under each heading, allowing a maximum of 25 points for each quadrant. Add scores to get the total; the maximum sum would be 100. Draw four circles, each sized proportionately according to your scores for each dimension. For example, if you score 20 in Social and 10 in Psychological, the first circle, labeled Social, is twice the size of the second, labeled Psychological.
Achieve Balance
Once each circle has been sized according to its score, stack the circles like a snowman. You will easily see in which areas you need to invest more energy in order to achieve more balance.
Do the above exercise. Summon up your courage to apply what you learn from this exercise. You will be taking a crucial step toward becoming a vibrant, well-cared for person. By doing so, you will become a magnet for attracting and marrying your soul mate. Get started now!
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