There are days when I believe I have cursed myself by agreeing to write a column on Relationship Angst.
Today was one of those days.
Since I freelance, I frequently find myself wandering into coffee shops to pretend I'm going to a real job to do real work. Sometimes it works.
Anyway. There has been a gentleman contacting me frequently on a dating site wanting to get together. I had ignored him, but then decided to respond since he wasn't completely unfortunate looking and seemed somewhat humorous. As I was working at a local coffee shop this afternoon, he instant messaged me asking when I'd be interested in meeting. We talked for a few minutes and I ended up telling him where I was and that he was more than welcome to join me for coffee. Make it easy, right? This way I could use "work" as an excuse if I had to leave.
So I'm sitting there watching the Google Superbowl commercial that aired last night and checking it for any strange auto-fill suggestions when a handful of chubby fingers snatched my laptop screen and yanked it flat against the table. My new line of vision revealed a giant belt buckle made to resemble a spinning car rim. This belt buckle was attached to the belt that held on the pants being worn by the guy I planned to meet.
"Whatcha doin? Workin?" He asked me.
"Yea, pretty much done for the day though," I said as I attempted to comprehend the fact that there was a dude wearing a spinner for a belt buckle across from me.
"That's hot."
This is when I knew it was going to be bad.
A few seconds later he grabbed my planner that was sitting next to me and asked "awwwwww is that your diary?" When I told him no, that was actually a book filled with personal information and snatched it away from him, he literally folded his arms and made a pouty face.
I don't remember much of what happened in the next 30 minutes, but I'll give you the cliffnotes version of what I do remember.
First we played 20 questions, a game that consisted of him asking me 20,000 questions about myself and responding to each of my answers with "that's hot." Questions like "how old are you?" "When is your birthday?" and "What city do you live in again?"
I began to ask him the same questions in return. Here is what I already knew: He's 27 and just graduated law school. That's really it. So here are the "dirty details" about him that I did not know from his vague profile but found out just by what he was more than willing to reveal to me:
He doesn't have a job. But he did interview at Starbucks earlier that day, so keep your fingers crossed.
He lives with his mother. Or as he likes to say in order to make it sound better, "his mother lives with him."
He has a foot fetish.
He doesn't eat grapes or bananas because they have too much sugar.
He has a compulsive masturbation problem.
He wears his spinner belt buckle everywhere he goes.
By this time, I had already texted my friend asking her to text me compulsively so I could pretend I suddenly had somewhere to be. She never lets me down.
However, I couldn't just up and leave so suddenly. I decided to be subtle and give it a few minutes. In these few minutes he decided to ask for information on what I do for a living. Since I was sitting in a coffee shop in the middle of the day he assumed I didn't have a job either. I told him I am a freelance writer, which surprised him. I asked him if he remembered reading that in my online profile, to where he admitted he didn't read it, he just went for the girl with the pretty face.
Charming.
This got him wondering. Since both of us live at home with a parent, where would we have sex?
That's when I started packing up my things and collecting my fruit cup and silverware. He decided to help me by picking up my napkin and fork, but before handing over my fork, scratching his head with it. Yep. You heard correctly. SCRATCHING HIS HEAD WITH MY FORK.
"Leaving so soon?" he asked.
"Yep. I have to go pick up my sister." I lied.
"Are you going to come back? I'll be here studying for awhile." He followed that with a few huffs, giggles, and a smirk that I still want to smack right off his chunky face.
"Probably not. I have to pick her up, go to the gym, and then I have something due this evening for my relationship column. I'm going to be pretty busy."
Oh, irony.
Comments
I do what I can. I knew it was gonna be bad, but I didn't realize it would be THIS bad. Wooooow. Just. Wow.
All I have to say is thank you, JAG. I would have had you call me like you suggested, but I wouldn't have been able to keep a straight face. It was hard enough sitting across from him in what he considered to be a decent time.
Dear God. This is amazing in THE ABSOLUTE WORST WAY HUMANLY POSSIBLE. I hate to say this, but can you please keep having such terrible adventures? They make for such good writing fodder...
<3
He sounds like a real winner. You should totally go on a second date with him, if he gives you such great writing material.
Wow. He sounds like a real winner. I can't figure out why you weren't swept off your feet the minute his spinner belt buckle was in your line of view. Well, not so much swept off your feet as hypnotized. I didn't even know they still made those things...
I've actually had dates like that. (Yes, DATES - plural) I try to forget, but you just reminded me. Thanks a lot!
You do know he's going to keep showing up at that coffee shop now, don't you? I'd lay low for a while.
Now, that's hot.
Had to *duck!*
That's terrible. However, what's going to happen to your coffee spot now that he knows where it is and that you may be back?
Wowowoowowow.... I was going to defend his joblessness thing, since I know the law market is crummy right now, but then I read this: "He wears his spinner belt buckle everywhere he goes."
(Well, and a few other things.) And I was like, Oh, nevermind, he probably wouldn't have gotten a law job even five years ago when they were practically GUARANTEED to graduating students.
haha! a lot of real winners out there huh?
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