Therapy in Three Minutes: 10 things to not say during sex

 

The language of love in real life all too often comes down to the mundane. But that’s no reason to go profane. Here is a list of ten things you don’t want to hear your lover say during sex (according to my client’s experiences):

1. “Are you / am I in yet?” Always a bad sign, indicating too loose or too small. Perhaps one should choose a different orifice.

2. “You’re much better at this than my father / mother / sister / brother were…” Self-explanatory, but probably requires some explanation on your lover’s part.

3. “Is that a sore?” Something you probably don’t want to hear, but something that should definitely be said. Any signs of a sore means contact sex must wait (you can masturbate together) until the sore has been checked on by a doctor or clinic visit.

4. “What’s a seven letter word for…” I am not making this up. I had a couple in my practice whose wife did crossword puzzles while he made love to her. Come on people, focus on the game!

5. “I was talking to my mother today…” Nothing breaks the mood more than mom.

6. “Hope you don’t mind, but I haven’t gotten a chance to bathe this week.” Cleanliness is next to “Oh, My God” - liness.

7. “Intercourse me!” The clinical types, think Frazier Crane, should just avoid any attempts at talking dirty.

8. “Hello son…” Simple solution. Kids in the house = locks on the door.

9. “Damn, it’s my wife / husband!” Unless you’re in an open marriage, this event can be real trouble. Without permission, it is ALWAYS cheating, no matter how broken your marriage may be.

10. “Really? That’s interesting; my therapist says I’m a terrible kisser…” Sorry, this is just a joke I heard somewhere, not that I don’t think it hasn’t happened…