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Dear Lauren: My teenage daughter Brittany is obsessed with American Idol. She thinks she sings well and is dying to try out for the show. She doesn’t sing anywhere near as well as Whitney Houston or Celine Dion, and I know the judges always criticize people who try to sing their songs. So for two years now, I have refused to allow her to try out. She’s so mad at me over this. Brittany will be eighteen next year and swears that she’s going to try out for the show whether I like it or not. I don’t think she has a chance of getting a ‘golden ticket’ and don’t want her to be disappointed. What should I do about that? –Overprotective Mom
Dear Overprotective Mom:
Well, you've got one thing right…you are overprotective. You’re also smothering and unsupportive.
For your information, no one sings like Whitney Houston and Celine Dion except for Whitney Houston and Celine Dion. Their voices are extremely powerful and unique. But just because Brittany can’t blow the roof off a stadium with a high note doesn’t mean she can’t sing.
Part of our responsibilities as parents is to encourage our children. It’s our job to support them when they want to tackle a new endeavor…not squish their dreams like a pesky fly at a picnic because we don’t think they’re the next Grammy winning phenomenon.
Whether Brittany’s singing voice is good or bad is not the point. Your daughter’s dreams, her self esteem, and the relationship between the two of you—providing there still is one—is what you need to focus on. Who cares if she tries out and doesn’t win a coveted ‘golden ticket’ to Hollywood? Sure, she might feel sad and be disappointed, but both of those things are part of life. You can’t prevent your child from ever feeling that way. If you try, you’re only going to smother her. Eventually, she will resent you for being so overprotective. And although you think you’re doing what’s best for her by trying to shelter her from getting hurt, you’re wrong. Experiences like losing out on something she really wants will only make Brittany try harder next time. Even though it’s a painful lesson to learn, if you don’t allow her to learn that lesson, you are putting her at a disadvantage.
Before your efforts blow up in your face and ruin the relationship you have with your daughter forever, my advice is to show her a little support. You might not agree with what she wants to do, but she will legally be an adult next year, and this is her life, not yours. Her dreams might come true and they might not…but don’t put them down, and don’t try and take them away. In the end, it will be you who suffers the greatest loss.
Lauren Sharman
romantic suspense author
2006 P&E Reader’s Poll BEST AUTHOR
www.LaurenSharman.com
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Comments
Honey, you have GOT to loosen those apron strings and learn to let go. Those of us who have kids understand about not wanting them to get hurt. But if you don't let your daughter try new things and follow her dreams, she will resent you for it. -Jas
This is great advice. Who are you to decide whether or not your daughter sings good enough to go to Hollywood? You can't judge your child's dreams. Parents like you do so much more harm than good. Just because YOU are afraid to let her try, doesn't mean your daughter is afraid. Why would you want to hold her back? And if she does fail, so what? Not always getting what you want is an important lesson that she needs to learn. That lesson will prepare her for the realities of life. You can't protect her forever. Let her go.
I wouldn't change a word of Lauren's reply. The daughter should follow her dream. And, should she get squashed by the judges...she's old enough to handle it. Plus, it's just a part of life. There are celebrations and disappointments. At least she will have followed her dream. Any "negative" from this will just be a life-lesson learned.
Good advice! However sometimes there are ppl on that show where you wish someone would have told them not to go. But also Brittany seems old enough to just decide by herself, and then the parents should just be supportive.
Sounds familiar. . . I know mothers (and yes it seems like a mom thing) who purposely keep their kids from branching out into their own thing. Why? That means they will most likely grow up and become adults which mean leaving mommy behind.
Sometimes its not about claiming that the girl has no talent and she will be hurt by comments. Sometimes its about a selfish mother holding on waaaaay too long.
I think if she were younger and you weren't sure of her singing ability I could see not letting her go. But at her age, I think she should be able to go for it. If she's rejected, it's a life lesson.
Maybe a good idea would be to tape your daughter singing and play it back for her. If she feels confident enough to go after that, let her try. But, as Ines commented, some people should listen to what there friends/family say. With something so public, like American Idol, I can see where Overprotective Mom is coming from.
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