For the love of Ray J reunion: no smackdowns or baby bumps allowed

Rounding 'em up for next season...

For reunion starters, who is Atomic Bomb?  I completely do not remember her.  And I am not feeling that kool-aid hued hair that Danger is rockin', but to each his own.  Moving on, the first contestant to get ripped is Stilts who was guilty of being married while on the show and is even more guilty for not seeing anything wrong with that fact.  Ray says that "your grandma don't respect you for that." I suppose this whore-fest is respectable to Granny Norwood.  Meanwhile, Stilts is basically saying in a roundabout way that she's a swinger.  Ray is upset because he feels like an experiment.  And listening to Stilts' ridiculous defense feels like my head is being banged against a wall. 

Next up is goofy Caviar, and the owner of the creepiest phone voice since the latest slasher flick, otherwise known as Chicago Larry.  How anyone stands to hold a conversation with him and hold down their lunch at the same time is beyond me.  Caviar threatens to expose a little too much info for a minute there in a short, tight pink number. And as awful as her accent sounds, its comprehensible, and its not like Ray actually cares what she had to say in the first place.  In a complete shocker, Chicago Larry graces us with his presence.  I'll think I'll be okay if he doesn't use that scary, psycho serial killer, breathy voice.  Why is he carrying his camera?  So far, he seems to be a few French fries short of a Happy Meal.   And is it me, or is Ray J the most vocally aggressive reunion guest of honor so far?  Don't blame the girls because VH1 got you the suckiest batch of female suitors since Flavor of Love 2.  Remember those contestants the viewers selected?  Shuddering at the memory...

As the flashback of the Chardonnay letdown plays, my dinner is threatening to make an encore appearance as Ray's voice eerily resembles Chicago Larry's.  He tells her that she stopped giving him the banana splits so he stopped giving her champagne glasses.  When she begins to tear up, Ray starts to cringe.  Love was only meant to be a part of the show's title.  Someone's gonna lose a job over this situation.  Anxious interns are rushing around to make sure it doesn't happen in season 2.  Having said that, had he actually been looking for love, Chardonnay was the obvious pick.

So, on to who I've been waiting for--Danger.  I love that flashback where Danger refuses to back down to the mean girl trio of Unique and those other two peons who attempt to interrupt her smoke break.  And even more hilarious is Ray's description of Danger--"body like a goddess, and a face from hell."  I don't know that I necessarily agree with that eloquently stated quip, but it was funny.  Unique looks like she glued in one pack of hair too many. Danger hits it on the head as Unique does indeed resemble the Cowardly Lion.  She tries to come back by bringing up Danger's prostitution stint, who of course, doesn't want to discuss it, which is all the confirmation anyone needs.  As if on cue, an audience member co-signs with, "At least she got paid."  Ray J looks like he's about to hurl at the mention of Danger's possible zygote incubation.  I love the way they just glossed over that one.  Was she even pregnant or....???  We are left to assume she probably was, but isn't anymore, and might've been Ray's, but if it was, it isn't anymore.  And after listening to Ray's BS excuse about sending her home early, I'm completely convinced that's why she got the discreetly delivered axe.

The best part of Unique's flashbacks was her being eliminated.  Ray says he admired her cutthroatedness, but he's completely misled when he thinks she did all that backstabbing to get to him.  Puh-lease.  While Unique is giving a wack ass apology, why didn't someone play all those clips of her engineering the boxing ring bow-out and bragging about getting the girls out of the house...wait, bisexual?!  Church-going, collection plate usher, Easter suit-wearing, Mee-Maw, Nana Unique?  That insult was the best thing Cashmere did for herself during her entire time on the show.  Again, I don't know if I necessarily believe that statement, but it was funny.

For the millionth time, how boring of a choice was Cocktail?  Ray, anyone would cry during that awful imitation of actual singing.  And that forced kiss between these two is just as pathetic.  While Cocktail was digging up dirt, she completely scooped a pile of her own over her shoulder by not divulging her history with The Bad Girls Club.  I know, water under the bridge...Its definitely bad news when your romantic interest greets you with a kiss on the cheek and refers to your relationship in third person.  Cocktail already knows her time is drawing near, hence all of the frantic kisses in an attempt to sever  Ray's bottom lip so she can at least have a piece of him as proof that they really did meet.  Can't wait for For the Love of Ray J: Round 2! 

For more info: See Ray dump Cocktail backstage at the reunion.  Actually, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't do that.  That's a job for his assistant.  For more on the reunion, visit www.vh1.com.