Online dating: anatomy of a creepy email

Photo by Salvatore Vuono

I had been planning, for some time, to write a series of articles on online dating etiquette. My first article was going to address how to make a proper profile, I would go on to how to target people, and then how to write a great email.
 

But, Loyal Readers, fate intervened. We are starting with the email article. This is an actual chain of emails (sent by one man) from an actual dating site. The recipient has not responded, but simply forwarded them on to me.

They  encompass almost everything a creepy online email needs to have, and I post them for the educational (and entertainment) value. For those of you a little confused by online dating, I will bold the especially creepy parts and explain what specific message it sends. I have not corrected grammar. Names have been changed to protect the...moderately deranged.

Email 1:
Haha, but I like to touch! Wow, you are quite impressive. Grad school= Awesome, Irish= Awesome, Attractive= Definately Awesome, so with all that stuff you have going on for you, where exactly are the flaws? I think I could embrace them when we find them. I seen in one of your pictures, it looks like you have a friend that's on here too? XXXX  I think her name is, if it isn't, it looks exactly like her. I go on just about every night to see if I'm going to find someone like you, and here you are. Well, just wanted to say hi. Guess, I'll see if I got what you want soon. I would love to be a part of someones life, especially with someone who's got it goin' on like you do. Ask me some questions if your interested, or is that my job? I want to get to know you, tell me more about yourself and I'll tell me more about me.
Bob
PS The only way I'm touching you, is if I have oven mitts on, cause you is hottt, girl...lol (That was written in my black lady voice)

Let’s dissect the top five things wrong with this email.

1. No need to talk about our flaws in a first email (or ever, really). A gentleman online once told me “From your pictures, it looks like your stomach is your problem area.” Not necessary. Also, you think you could embrace them when you find them? Don’t do us any favors.

2. While I appreciate your attention to detail, no need to point out people on the website you may think I know. This just implies that you are on the website a lot, especially if you know the possible friend’s online name. You just look desperate.

3. “I go on just about every night to see if I’m going to find someone like you, and here you are.”…..and I am going to murder you.

4. Don’t say “goin’.”  Or “dontcha.”  Or “fixin’.” I should not need to explain this.

5. Re: the PS. First, have you ever sent an email and needed a post script? No, because it’s…email. You can just go up to the letter and type whatever you want in the electronic letter. In this case, I understand why he felt, in the literary sense, that he needed the PS, but if you are going to have an unnecessary PS, you probably shouldn’t use a line I have never actually seriously heard in my life, nor should you deliver it in a borderline racist and extremely confusing way.

On to the next email.

You read my email and looked at my profile and never wrote me back to me ya big jerk! jk Don't cheat yourself out of someone who's going to make you happy. If you want to be treated like a treasure, I'm the type of guy for you. If not, I am probably not, but once I like someone, I'm dedicated to making them feel great. Give me a chance to show you who I am and vice versa. At the very least we could be friends. I have a ton of guy friends if I'm not what your looking for. Hope to hear from you. Bob

I didn’t bother bolding anything because EVERYTHING WAS CREEPY. The subtext of this email reads “If we ever date for longer than 2 weeks, I am most certainly going to murder you, or at least throw you down a flight of stairs.”

Bottom line is, online dating, like in-person dating, involves rejection. You can either accept the rejection and move on, understanding that if that person isn’t into you they weren’t right for you in the first place, or you can email them again and call them a jerk and then offer to set them up with your friends, if they don’t want to be treated like a “treasure.”

Oh, also, “treasure” reminded me…..we do not actually want to be treated like a treasure, or a princess, or a delicate rose. It’s 2009. We’ll go for the engaging conversation and hot sex.

And the final email. Still, at this point, the girl has not responded.

How was your day today?

This is happening, regrettably, more and more as online dating sites also allow the IM feature. In this case, Bob emailed the girl in question to ask how her day was, perhaps hoping to trick her into answering, because it would be rude not to reply to such a friendly, innocent email. But it’s also not uncommon after exchanging IMs or emails with someone online and politely informing them you’re not interested in taking it further, for them to IM you over and over, every time they see you online.  This scared the crap out of me the first time Match set up their IM feature and I didn’t know about it.

There you have it. If you are going to email someone on a dating site, please do not do any of the above. Please. For the sake of us all.