I’ve only seen this guy a few times before on the bus, but I’ve felt sorry for whoever was next to him every time. He’s The Talker, the stranger who doesn’t shut up and doesn’t realize that everyone’s secretly plotting his demise. The first time I saw him chatting some lady’s ear off in the front seat while she sat flipping through a magazine, I thought, “What a jerk! How could she just ignore him like that?!”
But then he came and sat by me on Tuesday. I didn’t recognize him at first and didn’t think anything about it when it took him an abnormally long time to board the bus because he was talking to the driver. People ask the driver questions all the time. But then I watched as he talked to apparently no one all the way back the aisle to the seat right next to me. I quickly considered my options and decided that moving away was ruder than simply pretending I didn’t hear him, so I stared straight ahead until he was silent.
A minute later, he looked over at me and said perfectly-sanely, “Excuse me, I hate to bother you, but do you know how many stops it is to 6th Avenue?” Thinking I had misjudged him and that it was safe, I answered, “About five.” And then the floodgates opened.
He spent the remainder of the ride telling me some nonsense about how a new JCPenney was opening at 34th Street (wait, didn't I move to New York to escape JCPenney?) and some Yankees player was signing autographs or something and he was thinking that he might not get in if he waited to go at 9 or 10 but would probably be fine if he went at 8, didn’t I think? I said I thought it was sound reasoning and hoped that’d be it, but then he went on to tell me about some other baseball player at some other store who he almost missed because he arrived too late and that would have been the worst, didn’t I think? I said, “I don’t really follow baseball,” thinking that was enough of a hint, but no.
I thought about checking my BlackBerry to have an excuse to stop humoring him. I thought about borrowing a paper from someone nearby, either to read or to whack him on the behind with like a bad dog. The woman sitting across from us looked at me pityingly, but I didn't blame her for not wanting to get involved. I had no choice but to nod and smile, as we Ohioans are taught to do.
And he was a little stinky to boot. Thank god I only had a couple of stops to go. And thank god I’ll be able to recognize him next time and run out the back door of the bus as fast as I can.
– Katie Ett, unapologeticallymundane.com
Comments
Damn that Midwest friendliness, it'll get your ear gnawed on every time.
You know you set your own cause back years, right? If everyone would just ignore people like this, eventually even the densest among them get the hint. Don't talk to strangers! You might feel rude ignoring this man, but think about all the other people he is going to annoy in the future due to your encouragement.
Donna – I think when I first moved here, I WANTED my ear gnawed off, because I was so unused to not being spoken to by everyone on the street. While I still wish my grocery store cashier would at least look at me, bus passengers have no business caring about each other.
Big Guy – next time, I'm bringing you along with me on the bus. And every time the guy starts to say something to me and I start to answer, you can shush me repeatedly like in that scene from "Austin Powers".
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