Santa health alert: Mrs. Claus asks kids to hide the cookies this year

An urgent message has just reached the Examiner.com Christmas desk. Mrs. Elvira Claus has asked us to pass this message on to children everywhere by Christmas Eve. 

Hello children: 

I know you're getting ready for Christmas, baking goodies for my husband Santa, making your lists, and checking them twice. But could you please do something for Mrs. Santa this year?

Recently, Santa's personal physician, Dr. Elf N. Kind, gave my jolly old husband some disturbing news. After weighing him, checking his blood sugar and giving him a stress test, Dr. Kind informed Santa that he is in poor health. There is no good way to say this: Santa Claus is fat.

Not just fat, but morbidly obese. His Body Mass Index, the way doctors determine how fat a person is, is off the charts. He is over 400 pounds (I don't even want to tell you what his waist size is.)

We used to love this about Santa. My, how we would giggle when his round belly shook like a bowl full of jelly. Books are written about this. 

But we now know obesity causes many bad diseases such as heart disease, diabetes and stroke. Dr. Kind blames a poor diet during the Christmas season (too many bad carbohydrates, salt, sugar and fat) as well as a lack of exercise for his weight gain. 

Doctors recommend that everyone walk at least 10,000 steps every day, which you can imagine is impossible for Santa during the winter months, and Santa has relied too heavily on the reindeer to get him around.

So, I'm asking children everywhere to help out Santa in the following ways:

• Please hide the cookies this year. Cookies are a big problem for Santa, as children love to bake them. If you must serve cookies, please ensure they are sugar and salt free.
• Instead of cookies, put out a plate of low fat cheese, vegetables and fruit. Instead of crackers, add some rice cakes. This will ensure that Santa meets his daily nutritional requirements and the pounds will hopefully start to fall off.
• Substitute low fat milk (even 1% chocolate milk) for the full fat kind. You could even slip him some soy milk because he doesn't know the difference.
• Place your dad's treadmill (if he has one) beside the tree, with a note suggesting Santa take a break and do half an hour of cardio. If you don't have a treadmill, put out some free weights that Santa can do while eating his snack.
• Put on a Hannah Montana video. Santa just loves to dance along with Miley Cyrus.
• Don't feed the reindeer. Our veterinarian has told us that Santa is slipping them high fat treats along the way. If you must leave treats for Rudolph, put out just a few carrots. 

As an added precaution, we've booked Santa on the ABC hit show The Biggest Loser beginning January 2010. If that doesn't work, we're booking him on Dr. Oz.

Maybe the Truth Tube will knock some sense into him. 

By making these changes, I am assured, we will have Santa around for many, many years to come.

In the meantime, children, remember: all things in moderation. Enjoy your own treats, but don't forget to include some healthy choices in your own Christmas eating plan! Merry Christmas!

All the best, Elvira Claus (Mrs. Santa)

North Pole

P.S. (Please pass this note along to as many children as possible in case they haven't read Examiner.com this season. Ask Mom to share my note on her Facebook and Twitter. (I'm sending it to Ashton Kutcher, just in case!)

The more kids who do this, the better chance my Santa will get the message.  Let's go viral, as young people say.