Matt Palmer, The Examiner
2007-08-14 07:00:00.0
Current rank: Not ranked

BALTIMORE -

You know what? There’s something respectable about Barry Bonds.

If he did indeed use performance-enhancing drugs, as has been alleged, the San Francisco Giants outfielder is the very best out of all users. He’s the top of the line. It’s so clean and so clear to me now.

None of the baseball players on the list of “The Accused” have put up numbers comparable to Bonds’ 73 single-season home runs or his 757 all-time homers.

Bonds is dedicated, more than any player who may have used performance-enhancing drugs.

He had a loyalty to the Victor Conte BALCO plan until the very end. Jason Giambi has apologized for … whatever. He should apologize for being a quitter.

Gary Sheffield must have been watching some of those old elementary school filmstrips because he’s perfected the “Duck and Cover” technique. How about you stop throwing your friend Barry under the bus, Gary, and stick to the plan.

It’s a good plan, man. Are you the greatest home run hitter of all-time? No, you’re not. Barry is and he knows what he’s doing. He’s got a big head these days, so he’s obviously smarter than the rest of us.

While Sheffield is off having awkward interviews about doing steroids (but not really doing them, wink-wink), on HBO, Bonds is getting sweet tribute videos from Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky and Hank Aaron.

Bonds always does the smart thing. I don’t think he answers the media’s questions honestly — who has time for some smart-mouthed reporter looking for “the truth”?

The truth is, Bonds follows in a long line of professionals who “allegedly” dabbled in various drugs, only to produce something phenomenal. Here’s my asterisks list.

Babe Ruth’s home run swing was fueled as much by strength as it was by alcohol. Would the Cowboys’ Hollywood Henderson have been the fastest defensive back in the Super Bowl if he wasn’t snorting cocaine on the bench?

Would Brett Favre still have his consecutive games streak if he didn’t get a little help from his medicinal friends, which landed him in rehab?

Do we believe Rafael Palmeiro never knowingly took performance-enhancing drugs — how many home runs did he hit naturally?

We all know about former American League MVP Jose Canseco’s book and apparently his former Bash Brother, Mark McGwire, doesn’t want to talk about the past.

Would Pete Rose really have been “Charlie Hustle” if he didn’t have a little something riding on the side?

Micheal Ray Richardson first made NBA history on the court by becoming the first player to lead the league in assists and steals and then again off of it by failing so many drug tests he was banned for life.

Canada’s Ben Johnson was a fast sprinter — just not fast enough to beat a drug test after winning an Olympic gold medal.

But the list of asterisks shouldn’t stop on the field. What about music? How good would The Doors have been if Jim Morrison never believed in the Lizard King? Say good-bye to The Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. It wouldn’t have made the cut without a little help from their friends, and let’s not even talk about Jimi Hendrix and his Purple Haze.

Baltimore’s own Edgar Allen Poe somehow rose above his addictions to write great literature. One could only assume if he was on the BALCO plan, he might have been more highly regarded than William Shakespeare. With an enormous Bonds-like head, Poe might have been able to write something a little longer than those famous poems or short stories.

There is little doubt the whacked-out comedy of Robin Williams was funnier in the 1970s and 1980s. Now, he’s Patch Adams and a cross-dressing nanny. It’s no coincidence when Williams starred in the movie “Popeye”, no one wanted to mess with him.

Does anyone really think that was spinach in Popeye’s can? Look closely and you’ll see the BALCO logo.

I promise.

Matt Palmer is a staff writer for The Examiner who regularly writes columns on Major League Baseball and the NFL. He can be reached at mpalmer@baltimoreexaminer.com.