Bob Frantz, The Examiner
2007-02-26 11:00:00.0
Current rank: Not ranked

SAN FRANCISCO -

I know not when ye Royal Election shall commence, yet a catalog of edicts have I preemptively prepared. Thusly, when I am King of ye Sports World ...

Any sports scribe who is compelled to include the names of Anna Nicole Smith and/or Britney Spears in his work, whether said inclusion is in jest or in true intrigue, shall have his keyboard stretched on the rack until its vowels pop out. Ours is a sporting world; we care not for the excruciating minutiae of the lives of glorified pole dancers.

When I am King, legendary figures such as the late Dennis Johnson shall be rewarded with just honors, such as inclusion in the Basketball Hall of Fame, while said honors may still be enjoyed. Posthumous recognition of a five-time all-star, a nine-time all-defensive player, a three-time world champion, and an MVP of the NBA Finals — is inexcusable.

When I am King, professional cheaters such as the Mighty Giant in San Francisco shall be whisked away on two-wheel hand-trucks in leg irons and Hannibal Lechter masks directly to secret CIA prisons, where terrorist interrogation techniques may be practiced with impunity in response to public taunts such as: “Let them investigate.”

When I am King, creativity of the sort displayed by Orlando forward Dwight Howard at the NBA dunk contest, in which the man-child slapped a sticker of himself near the top of the backboard, shall result in automatic 50-point scores and a guaranteed place in the finals. When every entertaining dunk humanly possible has been exhausted, true ingenuity must be embraced when it is discovered.

When I am King, the height of the standard NBA rim shall be moved to 11 feet from floor level, thereby making the dunk relevant — and exceptional — again, while weeding out those who don’t have the skills to play away from the basket, yet survive by being big enough dunk without jumping.

When I am King, two-time failures such as Norv Turner shall operate under a “Three Strikes and You’re Out” statute. If a coach is unable to succeed in three different head coaching situations, he shall be banished from all coaching immediately. No coordinating, no assisting, no scouting. Old retreads shall depart so that new, young coaches may fail in their stead.

When I am King, the importance of NASCAR and the NHL in the minds of American sportsmen shall be reversed, with the circle-spinners relegated to the anonymity of the Outdoor Life Network, and the rugged ballerinas of the ice garnering huge ratings and network television deals. An addendum to this decree: No sports analyst shall ever include car drivers in discussions of real “athletes” until such time as said drivers agree to the “Flintstone Way” — propelling their cars with their own feet.

When I am King, Denver Nuggets star Carmelo Anthony shall be made to stand firm at center court in Madison Square Garden and take one in the mouth from a New York Knick of the team’s choosing.

When I am King, Shaquille O’Neal shall be introduced before each contest as the fat, lazy and overpaid coattail rider that he is, lest he forfeit the $20 million per year he is stealing from NBA fans.

When I am King, the Duke lacrosse team shall be advanced to the NCAA finals post-haste, where they shall be led by the falsely accused Collin Finnerty and Reade Seligmann — on the same day their lying accuser is being led to prison for her perjury.

When I am King, celebrated prima donnas such as Roger Clemens shall be required to suit up at the start of spring training rather than treating America’s Pastime as a part-time job — or forfeit the entire season.

When I am King.

Sports personality Bob Frantz is a regular contributor to The Examiner. E-mail him at bfrantz@examiner.com.