S.J. Masty
2008-08-13 07:00:00.0
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WASHINGTON -

A ug. 24, 2008 – Today, millions of Americans fired up the barbecue and prepared to celebrate the end of the Olympics.

“That’s enough drug abuse, Third World corruption, corporate hype and media moronics,” said Dr. Marylou Nkebe-Rodriguez-Chang-O’Leary, the respected Prince George’s County resident who represents virtually everybody. “We’ve had Olympics up to the adenoids,” she declared, slamming the lid of her Weber grill for emphasis. “You want a bratwurst?”

She was unaware of events on Capitol Hill today, where assembled multitudes were addressed by Susan B. Creamcheese, the perpetually 24-year-old community involvement director of Fit-2b-Tied, an unnecessary organization funded by government.

“We need to be physically fit and politically fit,” she said, announcing America’s first Political Olympics in September.

“It will help young and old exercise the political muscle that builds a stronger body politic,” she declared to only a few groans of nausea.

“Because politics is so important and special, initially we wanted to call this the Special Olympics,” she explained. “But the mentally handicapped said that they’d suffer from being identified with politicians, and they threatened to sue. So, Political Olympics it is.”

Professional politicians will take the lead, but attention will be given to part-time and even volunteer politicians “right down to those busybodies who serve on condo committees and make people’s lives a living hell,” she added. “They are part of our unique American system, and they deserve our respect.”

In a costly, nationwide exercise in forced sensitization, she said young people will be made to dress as George Washington, Abe Lincoln and Frederick Douglass, and read aloud to classmates plugged into their iPods.

Students will also be forced to portray corrupt machine politician William M. “Boss” Tweed; Ashley Alexandra Dupre, the “soul mate” to former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer; and Lynette Alice ‘Squeaky’ Fromme, who tried to assassinate President Gerald Ford, “because they are all part of our political process,” Ms. Creamcheese said.

The committee dropped proposed depictions of former U.S. Attorney General Alberto “Torture” Gonzales because of anonymous threats from the Office of the Vice President.

Organizers are fine-tuning the competitions, she said. Likely events include handshaking for speed and endurance, and a memory event in which contestants have 12 hours to make as many promises as possible and then 30 minutes to remember them.

It is yet to be decided whether the winning contestant will remember the most promises or forget them.  

Three people in a crowd will be given $1,000 each; the winning politician will be first to sniff out the money. Then, contestants will be given 10 words to be arranged in a sentence that means yes and no simultaneously.

Testing their knowledge of the fundamental principles of self-government, competitors will be given an hour to write down the most names of trade associations, special interest groups and lobbyists and their telephone numbers.

“We need to make politics respected again,” Ms. Creamcheese said. “Otherwise, young people will grow up to be trial attorneys or kiddie-porn dealers.”

She hopes that the concept catches on and goes international like the “other Olympics.” “Just think,” she urged, “if American politicians could appear side by side with their soul mates from Zimbabwe and Belarus, from China, Russia and North Korea. It’s, like, a dream.”

Opposing further Olympics, Dr. Nkebe-Rodriguez-Chang-O’Leary said, “Look, it cost me 30 bucks to get my cable service disconnected, and about a hundred to fill the fridge with beer and call some friends from work.

“Buddy, I’m ready for anything. Now, do you want a bratwurst or not?”

S.J. Masty is a former Washington speechwriter now based in London as an international communication adviser.